Page 284 of Falling Backwards
And I know that’s just for now.I know he still has those emotions to work through; him feeling steady right now doesn’t mean he’s never going to get mad about his dad again or cry again or get into a low mood again.But that’s okay.Feeling your feelings is how you deal with them and find a way to recover from what stuck you with them.Despite how tough that can be, bottling the feelings away is what does true damage.
I can’t wait to watch him keep growing into peace.Even if it’s slow.Even if it’s difficult.Even if it’s not the kind of peace other people are expecting.
His muscles flex into action; he’s typing.I don’t peek.
Shortly, he holds the phone up to me again.Now my eyes zero in on what waits to be sent:
I’m not ready to have anything to do with my dad, and I don’t care about the reunion.I’d appreciate it if everyone would accept that even if they don’t get it or like it.If I have something to say, I’ll say it when I want.Good job to Ryan on his award.Y’all enjoy your holiday season
“What do you think?”he murmurs.
I wrap my arm around his waist and give him a hug there, hoping it feels as good to him as when he did the same thing to me before.Since he drops a hand to stroke affectionately at my arm, I think it does.
“It sounds great,” I murmur back.“Theyshouldleave you alone about things.I’m mad that she has kept acting like she knows what’s best for you and the situation.”
“Yeah.She wants us all to get along and for things to be happy, but….”
“But it’s not that simple.”
“Yeah.”
I put my hand back to his chest.“I have two questions.”
“Shoot.”
“I agree with how you feel about the reunion, but would you decide to go if I’d go with you?”I assure him mildly, “I’m not pushing you at all.Just asking.”
He wraps his hand around mine.“I know you’re not pushing me.”
I’m glad to hear that.
Once again, I wait patiently while he thinks.
“No,” he decides.“Not even if you went with me.”
“Okay,” I say easily.
“Is that mean to Reese and Wendy and Ryan?”
I shake my head.“I don’t believe it is.I mean, they’re not responsible for everything like your dad and stepmom are, but you still have complicated emotions about them.Like I said the last time we talked about all this, you shouldn’t dishonor how you feel just to placate them.”
He squeezes my hand.“Okay.Yeah.”
“Is it mean inyouropinion?”I pause, then add, “This is related to the second thing I was gonna ask, actually.I wondered if your message says that about Ryan and holiday wishes because you think it has to or because it’s what you want.”
His single laugh is unexpected, half-hearted though it is.“I don’t think it’s mean of me not to go.Most of the people who’ll be there have always been even less present in my life than my dad and his new family.I feel like it’s stupid to expect me to eagerly travel to see them.”
I nod my agreement.“That’s true.”
“The other stuff….I don’t know, the answer is split.I do feel strong-armed into finally congratulating Ryan ’cause I’m tired of people complaining and it’s not that hard to say a few polite words, but on the flip side, it’s cool anytime someone wins an award, you know?And you’re right, he hasn’t done anything to me like my dad has, so me being all whatever about everything doesn’t mean I should piss on his accomplishments, even only by ignoring them.”
Mmm.That makes sense.
“And I really can’t tell what my holiday wishes mean.In a way, I feel sarcastic.In another way, I hope they leave me alone and really do just go ahead and have fun in their little world.”He sighs.“It’s not like I wishbadthings on them, you know?I don’t wish for death or a house fire or someone hurting any of them.”
Softly, I tell him, “I know.”
“I just…like you said, I just feel a lot of complicated things.”
