Page 265 of Falling Backwards
A gently pulling arm around my waist, a breath over my lips as he slants in.“Come here, you.”
I don’t have to be told twice.Really, I didn’t have to be toldonce.
Sweet kisses come in chaste presses, in between which he murmurs that I make him infinitely happier too.
Mmm.
Now,that’llmake a girl feel beautiful.
—
Here in the late hours of the night—or early hours of the morning—I’m awake enough to be exasperated that I’ve just had to stealmyblanket back from Luke inmyown bed…and to be once again swirled through by something much, much more welcome.
The feeling of being beautiful.
I say‘once again’as if it left me for a while after my time with Luke in the breakroom, but it didn’t.It stayed.Even though it had so much to do with him, it also grew to encompass what Emma and I talked about; it grew even more once I was home, when she and Joy took me aside for a few minutes so my pink-haired friend could join her in inundating me with the kind of love and support only those two can give me.
And by the time I was standing at my mirror in my underwear with my pajamas draped over one arm, I felt relaxed.Steady.
Having Luke on my side all this time, in all his varied ways, strengthened certain parts of me.Other parts were strengthened by my best friends because opening up to them, too, helped sort out the ugly tangle in my head.I do wish I’d gone to them sooner because asking for help from trusted loved ones, or even just asking them to listen, isalwaysgood.But there in front of my mirror, it occurred to me that none of those three actually held the key to me feeling better.They told me amazing things, bolstered me when I didn’t know how to do it myself, made me think in new ways…yet it was still up tometo really take it all in.
People can tell you anything they want, but whether you internalize it is on you.That’s true for goodandbad words.
So even with three incredible people’s love in my head, I had to be the one to look at my mostly naked reflection and see something beautiful.
And Idid that.
I smiled at her and told her, “You are beautiful the way you are.You don’t have to change.”
Quiet was the peace that descended on me as those words faded into the air.
Self-consciousness was still there in twinges, in whispers.It was controlled, though.I thought about some things Luke had said to me before, and I didn’t justthinkthey were right, Iknewthey were.I find beauty in other people no matter how skinny or curvaceous their body is, so why do I not do that with myself?Why do they deserve it and I don’t?It’s nonsense.
Plus, being able to exercise isn’t a must for anybody.It’s good, but plenty of people don’t do it because they don’t want to and plenty more because they can’t.No one’s worth or attractiveness depends on it; I’m not a failure for not being able to exercise right now, and I wouldn’t be one if I chose to never exercise again.If I want to keep at it because I like how it makes me feel, then okay—I’ll do it if I can.And if I can’t or if I decide I want to chill it out, then that’s okay too.
I remember telling Luke a long time ago that working out was me deciding to do something about my opinion of myself instead of just living with it.But I can see now that the issue was never really that I had a low opinion myself and wasn’t trying to fix it.That’s not why I felt bad.I mainly felt bad because of my mindset.
I can even see that I shouldn’t have judged Marcus’s new girlfriend for being so slim—even though I only thought good things about her, what do I know about howshefeels aboutherself?Maybe she struggles with her own self-confidence.Maybe it’s hard for her to gain weight she wants to gain.I shouldn’t have put her in a box any more than I should’ve put me in one.
Gosh, the sense of freedom all of this brings me feels so good.
I know there will be days when my insecurity comes back up in more than whispers.There will be times when I do think I should change something about myself.But I’ve vowed to always find my way back to this feeling, this perspective, this approval of myself.
Luke rolls around in his sleep—not to try to take more of the blanket again, but to face me and curl his arm across my middle.He gives me an unconscious half-hug, then goes slack and continues slumbering.
I smile as what remained of my exasperation drifts away.
Think I’ll be soon drifting away, too, back into sleep.
I listen to his breaths; shortly, I notice mine starting to match them.I enjoy the weight of his arm over me and the rest of him so close to me.
In the darkness of my closed eyes, I see my reflection from earlier again.I had looked at the places I’d spent so much time thinking were unattractive, and I wondered if I’ve only truly failed myself by not believing I’m good enough just the way I am.And I knew the answer was yes.
Know it now too.
I smile a little bit more, rest a hand on Luke’s arm, and gently brush over it with my thumb until the comfort becomes too great and I have to doze off.
L U K E
