Page 250 of Falling Backwards
Worry sends my heart into my stomach.
But she doesn’t try to walk past me to leave—she turns around and makes her way to the big chair.After she awkwardly sits with a wince, she straightens her hurt leg out at an angle and looks at me again.Although she doesn’t tell me to keep talking, it’s clear she’s going to allow me to.
I realize I’ve started shaking a little bit.
My hands feel clammy.
My pulse is uncomfortably fast.
But I remember thinking recently that there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to show Maggie how serious I am about her, remember thinking she’s worth everything, and I meant it.I know this is the ultimate test of that.It’s time to really prove I love her, and I can do that by doing my part to face what we’ve been avoiding, like I said.Even if it hurts.Only by doing that can we have a chance at getting past it.
If you don’t make any effort to change things in your life, they can’t get better.
And it’s true: I can’t really keep her, and I don’t deserve to, if I’m not willing to give her everything I have.
So I give it.
M A G G I E
Luke takes a breath and runs a hand back through his raven hair, mussing it.My fingers want to both fix it and muss it even more.
There is such chaos in me.
Not just because the whispers of him accepting my apology mean everything to me or because I’m dying to touch him again or because he’s a sight for sore eyes despite that it’s only been a day since I last saw him, but also because I still don’t want to hear his explanation.I’m hurt all over again; I’m hurt in advance.The cracks that have been in my heart may have repaired somewhat from us dealing with my half of our mess, but when it comes to his half….
This is so important, though.
I know it was hard forhimto hear whatIhad to say, and he listened anyway.It’s my turn now.We’re in thistogether.
He’s right about us needing to get everything out.My friends are right.So is the rest of my heart, which was wondering in flickers even before yesterday whether our agreement to block the past out was a good idea—it could sense the answer was no.
So I don’t stop him before he can start, and I won’t stop him even after he has started.He gave me my chance, and I’ll give him his.I won’t cower away like I did when he tried running after me all those years ago.
“One night…” he says quietly.
I do tremble, though.
“…Jayden and I got drunk on some really expensive tequila he stole from his brother.We each bet the other that we wouldn’t be the first to throw it up, and he said whoever lost should have to do something embarrassing at school—something of the winner’s choosing—as payback for wasting all the pricy liquor.I asked him why he wanted to make such a game out of it, and he said he was bored, and he told me not to be a pussy, and…that was it.It sounds lame, but I didn’t question him any more or think to tell him no for any reason.I just went with it.And I turned out to be the loser of the bet.Jayden decided that the embarrassing thing I had to do was—was go out with a random girl he thought….”
My trembles are worsening.
Luke gives me a look that’s sad and imploring.He clenches and unclenches his jaw, his fists.
“He had all these girls picked out who he thought were unattractive, and he said I had to date one of them for a month and take her to prom.”
…What?
I stare at him, trying to process that.An ache stirs behind my eyes from how hard I frown.
Even though I don’t like Jayden, the self-conscious parts of me judder to life.He thought I was unattractive and he made it part of a bet, a joke, a game?Just for fun because he was bored?
Knowing that sends hot blood rushing into my face.The scar beneath my bangs prickles so much it almost stings.It’s only when I feel the pull of my sweater around my midsection that I realize I’ve curled my arms around myself and fisted the fabric.
Luke’s cheeks have gone red too.His eyes are wrought with understanding and guilt and so, so much sadness.One of his arms crosses over his own stomach and he shoves the other hand back through his hair again.
“He said I had to do it or he’d tell his brother I drank his tequilaandI’d owe Jayden two hundred bucks just for the hell of it.”He lowers that hand to rub at his chest, like there’s an ache there.“And I know that sounds fucking stupid.I know I wasn’t obligated to do shit just ’cause he told me to.But that’s just it:Iknow that.Young me didn’t.I didn’t have a handle on myself and I was caught up in how there wasn’t two hundred dollars just lying around my bedroom and how I didn’t wanna get in trouble for something I hadn’t even done by myself.And it—” his voice cracks, “—Jesus, Maggie, it didn’t seem like it’d be that big of a deal anyway a-and I’ve come to realize it’s not just because I was sixteen and an idiot.It was also because I didn’t feel like I even mattered very much.What my dad left me with…there was that boiling anger, but there was also that deep, echoing, freezing-cold feeling that I couldn’t name for the longest time, and now I know it was despair.Despair made up of the heartache and loneliness and inadequacy.God, but I didn’t even just feel inadequate, I felt like athrowaway.Like it had been easy for my own parent to leave me becauseI didn’t matter.So why would some random girl give enough of a damn about me to…?”
He puts a hand over his mouth and I put one over mine too.
