Page 234 of Falling Backwards
“So it’s only a good agreement as long as it goes the wayyouwant it to?”he asks.“WhatIwant out of it doesn’t matter?A friendship I’ve had for years and years doesn’t matter?”
The prickle of oncoming tears hits my eyes.I rub at them and sniff.“Whydoyou wantthis?I—I have a very clear memory of you running after me at school, telling me you cared about me, and now you’re my boyfriend for real and we’ve had it so damn good and you—just a minute ago,Luke, you said you hate thinking back on what happened—and you’re still gonna go get a damn beer with the guy who started everything?”My chest feels heavy, like my lungs are working overtime and still not bringing in enough air.“And you said you don’t wanna hurt me and he’s not your favorite person, so why go at all?”
He looks like he hadn’t thought of that before or something, but what he says is, “I feel like I have to.He’s a part of my life even if we’re not close like we used to be.Can you understand?”
I take a beat to think through my upset and try to see his side of this.I can’t make it make sense, though.
“No,” I whisper, “I can’t.”
Luke scoffs.“Did you even try?”
“Didyouconsider how this would make me feel?”I counter, crossing my arms over my chest.“God,didyou really care about me back then?Doyou care about me now?”
“Of course I do!” he bursts out in a shout, blue eyes sparking with abrupt insult and anger and a streak of what looks like affection.“And of course Idid!You have always mattered to me like nothing else ever has!”
I utterly love that and am utterly bewildered by it.“Well, you’ve had a strange way of showing it a big couple of times, haven’t you?And how do you really not think me feeling betrayed is valid?This isn’t like earlier when I got mad that you didn’t tell me what Marcus said about me.That was me misremembering and overreacting.What’s happening now is something that well and trulyhurts.”
A new realization hits me from the idea of Luke keeping things from me, and it puffs out of my mouth before he can reply.
“Is this what you’ve been trying to hide from me?”I raise my eyebrows at him.“Is this why your mood has been weird today and—and why you wouldn’t talk to me about what bothered you on Thanksgiving Day?Have you been hiding that you’ve had plans with him?Doyou know it’s valid that I feel betrayed and you just don’t care because you still wanna be friends with someone you’ve known forever even though he had a hand in hurting me?Have your plans been looming over you and making you wonder how you could be so fucking amazing to my face when you knew that as soon as I found out, I would feel—?”
“No, it’s beenmy dad,not Jayden,” he snaps.“And I haven’t wanted to confide in you becauseIhave a very clear memory of trusting you with how I felt about himand itfucking backfiring on me.”
The words are a kick in the face.
A punch to the stomach.
A slash at my lungs.
The air crackles like he’s shouted again, like he’s thrown something and shattered it.
Well, hehasthrown something: my heart against the floor.
Dazed, I blink and blink and look at him as a tear escapes down my cheek—and I get caught in that blue gaze, which is all anger now.
“What?”he demands.He points at me.“You stand there and talk like I’m the bad guy for agreeing to spend a couple hours with Jayden while you’ve conveniently forgotten the time whenyouwere the bad guy?Is that it?”With a lift of his chin, he cuts his eyes along me.“Of course it is.Because I’m the one who’s always doing something wrong or badly or stupidly, not you.You’re a perfect person who never makes mistakes or steps out of line.”
I glare at him through the new wavering at the edges of my eyes.“That is not true.And I haven’t forgotten a single—”
“You’ve forgotten enough that you think you have the right to be pissed off and hurt by being reminded of the past and I don’t!”
“No, I—”
“Please!You should’ve seen the look on your face when I brought up my dad just now!It was like you couldn’t believe I’d say something like that!”
The way this rings out puts chill bumps on me; the pain I can feel from him is, like his anger, coming in rough waves that lash at my defensiveness, at my ability to continue to talk.Not because he’s right—he’snotright about what I think he deserves—but because I’m overwhelmed.
He still doesn’t feel like he can trust me with how he feels about his dad.I broke that trust and never really earned it back.
And I don’t feel okay with him keeping up a friendship with someone like Jayden.
I can’t wrap my mind around what these truths are doing to me.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I remember Luke’s hand on my thigh in the car and the sense of being settled that came with it.Looking at him reminds me that I wanted to kiss him and touch him just a bit ago; it had felt like we were returning to our usual selves after this gray and distant and annoying day, felt like I’d be snuggled up against him with his lips on mine by the end of the night.We were supposed to relax together, not…not have somethingdrive us apart.
But more is separating us than just these few feet of space.
And even if I decided I still wanted to touch him, I know he wouldn’t want me to.Tension and ire and offense are radiating from him as obviously as they’re keeping me feeling short of breath.
