Page 168 of Falling Backwards
We resume walking.
And to my deep disappointment, it seems like every step builds some kind of tension between us, not gentleness and affection.Not even celebration.
He’s quiet.I’m quiet.
It’s an unreadable jumble, that tension, at least to me.We just had our second kiss, which came after our first kiss in so damn long, which came even after we had agreed not to share full-on kisses during our fake relationship because our real relationship is twisted up with resentment and animosity.
…Could he be regretting it somehow?
Where does it leave us?
I want to ask, but I’m suddenly nervous, so it just leaves usquiet.
And as the minutes pass, that doesn’t change except for how we both get surprised into half-hearted laughter by a couple of ducks walking right up to us, quacking cutely—a reprieve that’s as light as it is brief.Once we’re past the chatty pair, the tension settles between us once again.
In fact, by the time we need to leave so Luke can return me home to my friends, the air between us is so thick that getting in the car almost feels suffocating.The moment the engine is running, we roll our windows down literally at the same time.
It doesn’t help much, though, at least for my part, because quickly coming up now are thoughts of all the little things about grown-up Luke that grown-up me treasures.Things that have nothing to do with the past.
One by one, they slide me closer to the edge of something that feels distantly familiar and wholly new at the same time.It’s unstoppable.
But one by one, they also make me even more nervous about what he might be thinking.
That doesn’t change how alluring the edge is to me, though…
…or how fiercely I’m realizing I want the fall.
—
The drive home is eternal.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything as overwhelmingly strange as this.I don’t think I’ve ever felt simultaneously like I’ve done an amazing thing and a stupid thing.
I asked him to kiss me.
My pulse doesn’t know whether to be calm because I stand by that decision or chaotic because I know it’s the reason Luke hasn’t spoken to me since right after Kyle left us.
I get the sense he hasn’t looked at me either, but I don’t know that for sure.Ihaven’t looked athim.My eyes just won’t do it.
Is he angry with me?
The question—theworry—has still been prickling through me.As it does so now, I shiver a little; I try to mask it by shifting around in his passenger seat, rubbing at my knees, tucking my windblown hair behind my ears.
Please say something to me.Give me a hint about how you feel.I need to know if things are okay.
So thinks the girl who also hasn’t said a word for quite some time now.
But which words am I supposed to choose?Brave ones because I want to tell the truth about how I feel?Or try-to-smooth-it-all-over ones in case those are the appropriate ones?
The very idea of the latter has my stomach twisting with aversion.
Luke has become such a big deal to me.Far bigger than I meant for.
Before he noticed Kyle, I would’ve sworn on my life that he felt the same way about me.Now, though?Now all I can do is wonder if my bold kiss idea is what disrupted our peace, not me bringing up the past that includes betrayal we’ve carried for years and built our adult relationship on and tried to avoid during our fake-dating.It’s true that he didn’t object to the kiss—hell, he told me he’s been wanting it to happen again just like I have—but maybe afterwards, he realized he doesn’t want it anymore.
Thatidea actually hurts me.
And no, I can’t figure out how to verbalize any of this stuff.On top of knowing we don’t have much time to delve into it, it’s like I’ve gone into shock.
