Page 92 of The Singing Trees
When Annalisa held her baby girl for the first time, she felt love and confusion at the same time. Even in that most precious moment, Annalisa questioned whether she could be a good enough mother to raise her daughter without a father. She named her daughter Celia after her mother, but that hefty name gave even more weight to the heft of raising a human being.
Annalisa stared into the bluish-green eyes of this dark-haired child and even then could see Thomas in her. She kissed Celia on the cheek and pulled her into her chest, thinking that nineteen was entirely too young an age to take on such enormous responsibility, especially alone.
When she looked into the eyes of her daughter again, she turned her lips up into a smile. Perhaps there was no better comfort that Annalisa could offer than a mouth showing happiness, even if the curvature of her lips was a serious deceit. But even then, barely human, Celia could surely read through it. Annalisa felt like an impostor, stretching her mouth into a lie. She wasn’t happy at all.
Holding this tiny beautiful being in her arms filled her heart with the magic of life, but she couldn’t pretend to tell her baby that life would be a waltz of love and joy. This poor baby would have to figure out her way through the world, attempting to slay the never-ending demons, and like Annalisa, Celia wouldn’t have a loving father by her side.
Nonna was in the room for the birth, and she’d gone out to retrieve Walt. The two came in and gushed over Celia. Nonna took the baby from Annalisa’s hands, desperate to introduce herself to her sixth great-grandchild. Annalisa could hear the Mancuso clan outside the door, all waiting to get a peek.
Welcomed by Walt and a host of Mancusos packed into her apartment bearing hand-me-downs and baby gear, Annalisa carried Celia into her apartment for the first time. Though she knew it should be a happy moment, she was terrified. Since deciding against giving Celia up for adoption, she had tried to make sense of staying, but it was feeling more impossible by the minute.
She hated herself for not being more thrilled and tried to remind herself of all the women who dreamed of this day. It wasn’t that she resented the baby; it was just scary. In fact, it had nothing to do with Celia at all. It was Annalisa thinking she couldn’t do it, that she would be inadequate. Despite all her worries, having her family gathered around her was reassuring and comforting.
Annalisa gave Nonna the baby and excused herself to her bedroom. She opened up a window to the city and then crashed onto her bed. With the sounds of her loved ones in the living room and the city she’d once dived into with youthful vigor taunting her from the open window, she buried her face into a pillow so that no one would hear her cry.
If she didn’t follow her family back to the Mills, she’d be alone. That was why she was crying most. Loved ones waited in the next room, and she had a baby...but she was alone.
As the hollowness of that realization hit her, she decided she couldn’t fight off moving home any longer. She’d tried to ignore it, but there was no rational way for her to stay.
It was time to go back home to the Mills.
Time to give up all her dreams and retreat back to reality. She might never get out of Payton Mills, but that didn’t matter anymore. Nonna was right. She couldn’t be selfish and chase silly dreams. It was time to focus on being a good parent.
When she returned from her bedroom, having washed away her red face, she told Nonna her decision. “I guess it comes down to the fact that I just don’t have any fight left.”
Never had she felt more defeated.
In the morning, Annalisa pushed into Walt’s shop with Celia in her arms. He stood with a customer in a fedora showing off a grandfather clock he’d brought in. “Look at you out and about,” Walt said. “How are you feeling?”
“To be expected, I guess. A little lighter on my feet.”
Walt must have seen the sadness in her eyes and asked the customer to excuse him. He led Annalisa to the back of the store, where he reached for Celia. “May I?”
“Of course.”
Walt cradled Celia in his arms. It was strange to see him take her child in such a loving way. “How’s this new world treating you?” he asked sweetly. “You have so much ahead of you.”
Annalisa thought that was an understatement. So much ahead and so much of it awful. “Walt, I have to go back home.”
He took Celia’s little hand, and she grabbed on to his thumb. Without looking at Annalisa, he said, “That may be best.”
“I apologize. I’ve let you down, and I hate that. You’ve given me every opportunity and allowed me a chance at my dream, but this little one has changed things. I just can’t do it on my own.”
With Celia still holding his finger, he looked at Annalisa. “You haven’t let me down in any way, young lady. Every decision you make needs to be about you and this wonderful girl. I’ve lived my life.”
A tear dripped down her cheek. “I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me, Walt. Seriously. No one has ever done so much. I can’t bear to think of what you’re taking on with your shop now.”
“Annalisa,” he said gently, his eyes on Celia, “I’ve managed to run a watch shop for forty years—and most of it without you. I can figure it out. Look what you’ve done here. You’ve breathed new life into this place...and brought me new customers.” He touched his chest andcoughed some. “You’ve breathed new life intomedespite these damn lungs.”
Annalisa felt so lonely for him. “Why don’t you come back with me? Find a little place in Payton Mills. I feel like we’re family. Nonna would just die if you picked up and moved.”
He handed Celia back. “This is my home, dear, but it’s not that far away. Surely you’ll both come see me.”
Feeling slightly optimistic, Annalisa said, “Yes, you know I will. Whenever I can get a ride. What can I do for you before we go? I can help find a new tenant.”
“Just take care of the two of you. Whatever that requires. Don’t look back. You’ve done more for me than you’ll ever know. You’ve become like a daughter to me.”
“And you, like a father to me,” she cried, thinking she couldn’t endure the pain of any more goodbyes.
