Page 94 of The Singing Trees
Chapter 34
ANUNEXPECTEDENCOUNTER
Annalisa’s struggles did not dissipate in the passing months leading into summer, and despite her family’s constant reassurance, she was not growing into being a mother. She tried when she could, but the hurt she felt inside crushed her, and at times she wondered if her pregnancy had triggered some illness that the doctors couldn’t find.
Getting out of bed in the morning often felt like an impossible undertaking, but sometimes the guilt of her failure as a mother was enough to force her to wake and nurse Celia. Still, as soon as Nonna or another family member took over, she’d climb back into the bed and lie there in her miserable thoughts. She barely ate, barely smiled. When she looked in the mirror, she couldn’t even see who she used to be. Her eyes were hollow, and her ribs showed. The lines on her face were that of someone a decade older.
For so many years, she could see the beauty in even the simplest sights. Not now. Nearly all her life, she’d been bursting with the urge to paint. No more. As far as she was concerned, she was now done forever. The world didn’t need more artists, she decided. It was the selfish dream of a girl who didn’t quite understand the big picture.
She couldn’t stop thinking about the mothers around her, girls she’d grown up with in the Mills. They seemed to be so comfortable holding their babies, pushing strollers down the street, going to meettheir husbands for playtime in the park. As evidenced by their smiles, they were happy to spend their Saturdays cooking for their husbands toiling away in the yard. These same mothers appeared to enjoy nursing. For Annalisa, it couldn’t have felt more unnatural, and she hated how her nipples cracked and bled. No matter how painful, though, Nonna wouldn’t allow her to stop. Truthfully, Annalisa wanted to continue—despite the pain—as she knew it was best for her baby.
Without a car, Annalisa and Nonna counted on other family members to take them around town to run errands. Nino, who had proved to be a wonderful uncle figure, would often pick up Annalisa and Celia, and they’d go on an adventure. As unhappy as Annalisa felt, she faked it as best she could. Though Nino could see right through her attempts, she hoped her baby could not.
On a warm day in early June, they went on such an adventure. When Nino asked what they should do, Annalisa said, “Can we go by Harry’s and get some ice cream? I want to see if I can get my old job back.”
“Yeah, sure.” He paused. “But are you sure?”
She was not at all sure. “What else am I going to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure you could get a job at the mill.”
Annalisa didn’t tell him that she’d rather kill herself. That was where her father had worked. “I don’t think that’s for me.”
“Why don’t you open a little gallery? Something like you had in Portland. The tourists would go crazy for your work.”
“With what money, Nino? Even if I did, we only get traffic in Payton Mills in the summer when all the tourists drive through. How would I make money the rest of the year? What would I sell? I haven’t as much as picked up a pencil since Celia was born. Before that even. I don’t even see color anymore.”
Nino turned back to look at Celia in the baby seat Walt had gifted them. “Just get over yourself and marry a rich man. Use your looks to your advantage.”
“My looks? Those are long gone.”
“You’re such a pain, cousin. Seriously, get out there and start dating again. Every guy in this town has his eye on you. All you have to do is smile a little.”
“You’re a broken record,” she said, growing irritated. “I don’t want to marry someone just to have some security. I may have lost who I am, but I still have a little dignity.”
They pulled onto Main Street, and Nino looked for parking. “I think you’re confusing dignity with Mancuso hardheadedness. If you’d say yes to one of the guys who asks you out at church, you’d see. Not everyone cares.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” It made her stomach hurt thinking of anything to do with love. Everyone told her that heartache goes away. Hers hadn’t waned in the slightest. If anything, it was getting worse.
“I can’t have Nonna support us any longer, and I need to save for a car. I definitely can’t ask you to keep carting us around for the rest of our lives.”
Nino slowed the car. “Yes, you can. That’s what family is for.”
Moments like this lifted her up. She might not believe or have any interest in romantic love, but familial love was a certainty.
“Celia is my responsibility.” She turned back to her daughter, wishing she could be stronger.
They parked in a slanted spot outside of Harry’s, and Annalisa felt herself being sucked back in by Payton Mills. If she wasn’t careful, she would end up marrying someone she didn’t love just so that she could quit taking from her family. She hated that feeling of being a burden almost as much as being a failure.
Now that she’d tasted what it was like to love, how could she possibly fake her way through a marriage to someone she didn’t care about? After knowing the pain of heartache, how could she possibly set herself up to feel that again? Would it be worth it just to find a father for Celia?
The smell of vanilla always hit her when she pulled back the glass door to Harry’s and the bell rang, and it was an apropos scent, as that was what her life felt like, and that was exactly what her life would be if she settled for some guy just to make her life easier.
Annalisa pushed the stroller as she looked around the shop. A young girl with curls spilling off her head was restocking the candy jars. That used to be Annalisa. This girl would one day be in the same spot as her, being urged to settle for one of the boys from the Mills who had no interest in ever leaving.
“Can I help you?” the girl asked.
“I used to work here,” Annalisa said, thinking of the days when Thomas used to come see her, and when he’d strut in, and the bell would ring, Annalisa’s own bell would ring too.
