Page 17 of An Unfinished Story
Chapter 7
CHASINGSMILES
“Let go,” the teacher was saying as she slalomed between the beach towels of the six yogis taking Shavasana during their early-afternoon session. “Let all the tension drift off with the breeze.”
Claire had joined the new studio since moving to the beach, and they offered daily sessions on the sand. She was no stranger to yoga, but since David’s death, she’d abandoned her practice for more intensive and mind-numbing workouts, such as running and spin class. Returning to her practice was a part of her commitment to healing.
But the end of the class, the Shavasana—the part most found the easiest—proved the most uncomfortable for Claire. So much quiet. The screaming of silence, where the seeds of her fury quickly sprouted. Sometimes it wasn’t about David at all.
Her mother was always an easy target, the woman who’d left Claire and her father to marry another man and have more children. Half brothers and sisters ... ugh. After David had died, her mom suggested she come back to Chicago to live with them for a while. Thanks but no thanks.
But sometimes it sure as hell was about David. Anger at himandthe man who’d killed him. Anger at BMW for not making a safer car. Even anger at herself for being angry in the first place!
Today, though, no matter how hard she tried to deflect him, Whitaker kept inching his way into her mind. What kind of selfish bastard could ignore such a request, to finish the book of a man who’d died before his time?
When the teacher summoned them back to their bodies, Claire began to wiggle her toes and regretted wasting her last few minutes of her practice trapped in a whirlwind of thought. At least she’d shown up to class.One day at a time, Claire.Oh, how badly she needed to attend the support group this afternoon, and something was telling her she needed to finally tell her story.
With one more focused exhalation, Claire opened her eyes to the sky and the birds zigzagging above. She was the first to collect her beach towel and thanked the instructor as she made her way back down the beach. For a brief moment, seeing her feet cut across the sand transported her back to the summer she had met David. What had tripped her up and at the same time quickly endeared him to her was how polite he’d been when Claire had introduced him to her grandmother. “Hello, it’s very nice to meet you ... Yes, ma’am, my family rents a house here every year ... Yes, ma’am, I’ll bring her back by seven sharp ...” He was only just on the edge of becoming a man, and Claire remembered thinking what a man he’d be.
Closer to her house, she walked into the brisk water, brushing the sand off her knees and elbows. Flashes of silver darted about, the beautiful madness of minnows circling her.Saving Orlando, saving the project, drifted through her mind as she waded deeper, the chill widening her eyes and stealing her breath. She’d been considering other writers all morning. Why did it have to be Whitaker? Sure, the signs had pointed in his direction, but he wasn’t exactly the man she thought he’d be, and that frustrated her.
If she took a moment to think about it, she might have imagined Whitaker more like the handsome intellectual she’d seen when he used to come into the café, only a few years older. When she had approached him at his table that first time, he’d had this glow about him, an exceptional confidence, like he’d found his purpose. He’d flirted with her mildly, tamely—until she’d flashed her ring. Had she not been with David, she might have flirted back.
The man she had met today had been worn down. Though part of her was furious with him, another part pitied him. He wore his troubles like a billboard plastered to his forehead. Claire would have loved to think that he had the answer to all her woes, but life wasn’t always such a nicely wrapped present. No doubt there were plenty of starving writers who would happily accept money to write, but Claire wanted to choose the absolute perfect one. That was what David would have done for her.
A couple of hours later, Claire sat in a circle with twelve other widows in a meeting room of a nondenominational church in the middle of St. Pete—this particular group had been created specifically for women. An unused portable podium occupied the corner. A fold-up table by the window offered coffee, lemonade, and a variety of pastries.
Claire was so nervous that she’d polished off her drink and still felt dehydrated, like she’d eaten a ball of cotton. She’d told Lashonda, the woman who ran the group, that she was finally ready to speak, but even as the words came out of her mouth, she was questioning her decision.
Though she’d been attending for more than two years and there were women newer to the group, Claire still didn’t feel like an insider. As she looked around the room, she saw many veteran widows who had already climbed out of their own loneliness, and Claire had listened to their stories each week with hope that perhaps she wasn’t too far behind in her own metamorphosis.
It was here that Claire met Didi, who was currently sitting three people down. Didi looked impeccable in gold hoop earrings; a short, white linen dress; and blue high heels. On the other side of Didi sat Lashonda, who had been attending even longer than Didi. She’d gotten her PhD at Purdue and had a psychology practice in St. Pete, so she’d naturally fallen into the role of running most meetings.
Lashonda turned to Claire after running through a list of announcements. She had short silky hair and a bright smile. “There’s one of us who has had some major breakthroughs recently. Claire, are you still interested in speaking this afternoon?”
Claire forced herself to nod, set the cup down on the floor under her chair, and sat up straight. She had never been afraid of public speaking; it wasn’t that. It was just that there was so much to tell, and she was suddenly wondering if she was ready to be analyzed under the microscope.
Claire controlled her breathing and looked at the other widows, who came in all colors, shapes, sizes, and ages. More than half of them had already shared, and Claire knew all their stories. It was time that she got it over with. Maybe it would feel good.
There was no going back now. “I hit the three-year mark yesterday.” It was so quiet in the room, but she pushed on. “A lot of you speak about two to three years as being the time when life gets a little easier. I guess I’m not as far as I’d like to be. I’m still sad and sometimes so angry I can’t see straight.”
A few nods, “me toos,” and “yeps.”
Claire fingered one of her necklaces. “I’m selling our house. Finally. It was empty for three years. Mostly empty. I’d cleaned out every room except his office. I couldn’t bring myself to go in there and box up his things. It was all I had left of him. How could I throw it all into storage or give it away?”
Claire glanced at Didi. “It was only as I realized that I couldn’t keep paying the mortgage forever that I put the house on the market. Yesterday, I finally marshaled up the courage to go into his office. And I found a pretty big surprise.” Claire elaborated on the discovery ofSaving Orlando, finishing, “His story stopped midsentence, which broke my heart. He’d died without finishing it.”
Looking up, she found the women listening intently.
She thought for a quick second how beautiful it was she’d found this wonderful book of David’s, and a smile erupted from inside her. This bright smile was so out of place for this room and for Claire. But it was as real as the warmth of the sun. “Something deep within is telling me that if I can get someone to finish it, then I can maybe turn the page of my own book.”
Claire’s smile faded as she moved on. “I thought I’d found the perfect author—the guy who wroteNapalm Trees and Turquoise Waters—but I went to see him today, and he told me he wasn’t interested. That was really hard to hear. I thought he was the right guy for the job.” She lifted her shoulders. “But I know I can find someone. Healing is different for everyone, but I feel like I’m doing the right thing by trying to give my husband this gift. It’s like one last hug to say goodbye.”
Claire clasped her hands together. She looked down at the floor and wondered what to say next. Was that enough? Maybe for now.
Lashonda thanked her, and then another woman took the floor. Once those who wanted to speak had gotten their chance, Lashonda wrapped up the meeting by inviting everyone to dinner and a salsa class in Gulfport.
Going out dancing was the worst idea Claire’d ever heard, but afterward, as the women began to leave the room, Didi homed in on her. “It’s Lashonda’s birthday. There is no way you’re not going.”
