Page 132 of Who's Playing You
“A-ha. Okay,” I nodded my head, trying to put the puzzle pieces together.
“When Loving first suggested going to this new club with him, I obviously went. But when I saw what people were doing… well, I felt like it was a chance for me to put into action what I was studying.”
“So you studied erogenous zones, blood flow and endorphins, sexual positions and all that stuff, and then went to the sex club and tried it out on virtual strangers, got it,” I clippedback, feeling super pissed, possessive and jealous, even though I knew I had no right to feel that way. I didn’townhim, and I didn’t even know him during this time of his life.
“No, Scottie, that’s not what happened. Yes, I studied all of that and a lot more. But when I went to the club, I would only ever watch, and then later I’d… direct people. I can promise you that not once did I touch another person in either of those clubs.”
I couldn’t help but scoff, “I find that hard to believe.” To which he glared at me. “You’re the most sexual person that I’ve ever encountered, Nicholas. I can’t believe that you went to an actual sex club and didn’t eventouchanother person,” I spewed.
“Goddammit Scottie!” He raised his voice slightly before spilling a truth I never expected, “Until you, I had never even touched another person inanysexual way!”
I slow-blinked.
And again.
“What?”
“That’s right. Until we first had sex in September, I was a virgin, alright?!”
“A-a vir…”
“A virgin!”
“Bu-but, no I can’t believe…”
“Believe it. After I first met you, I wanted every single one of my firsts to be with you. And so far? You’ve had them.”
I just stared at him, slack-jawed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“So I could getthisreaction? No thanks. I also didn’t need to tell you this ahead of time and then you respond by telling me ‘thanks but no thanks’ and not going through with… dating me, sex or whatever. I planned on telling you though, eventually. I just didn’t feel it needed to be told at the start of our relationship.”
“I mean, I get that it’s your business but… okay, yeah I get that it’s your business to share,” I was letting the words free-flow from my brain as I thought them and they were all coming out jumbled and on repeat.
“I’ve never lied to you about any of this, Scottie. If you think back to some of our conversations… I mean, I said things, maybe not directly, but indicating my inexperience. But I never lied to you. Just like when I told you that I wasn’t a playboy like Loving and Papas, I meant it and was telling you the truth. Because I wasn’t ever a playboy. I was saving myself foryou, and the very thought of even touching another woman gave me hives and made me feel physically ill.”
“So you’ve just been, what? Waiting ten years for me? You spent half of your teen years and all of your college career still a virgin, taking a risk on a chance with…me?”
“I’d wait a lifetime for you, Scottie. If it meant that I could have what we’ve shared these past few months - and what we’ll now share for the rest of our lives,” he said as he gently rubbed my belly. “I’d gladly wait an eternity.”
I couldn’t help the tears that welled in my eyes. I had had this all so wrong.
I’d judged him from the very day that I met him, objectified him. I assumed that he played the part of what he projected and looked like, that he was some prototypical playboy who probably screwed around. And I’d made some comments indicating that assumption to him, as jokes - sure, but I deeply regretted them now.
“Oh God, Nicholas. I’m so-so sorry! I made horrible assumptions… and comments. They were so out of line. I’m sorry that I assumed you were some sort of playboy or… worse.” I hung my head in shame.
“Well, based on the company I’ve kept,” he began and I could hear the teasing in his voice at his friends’ expense, “I guessthat’s why people assume, well that and the whole college athlete thing.”
We both smiled at the other and it felt like both of our tempers and frustrations from earlier had eased some.
“Can I ask another question?”
“Honey, you can ask me anything.”
“You said you would go and watch and then… direct. What does that mean?”
He let out a deep sigh. “Voyeurism isn’t really my thing, but I had to resort to it for obvious reasons. It’s not like it did much for me sexually speaking, except spark my curiosity and helped me add items to my list of things I wanted to do with you. My worst fear was that my inexperience with the actual sexual acts would make me come off like some sort of fumbling fool when I finally got my chance to share these things with you. So even though I studied absolutely everything I could and I understood all aspects from a physiological, mental and emotional perspective - I had no point of actual reference. I didn’t know how these things actuallyfelt.”
I listened intently as he showed me his most inner vulnerabilities.
