Page 133 of Who's Playing You
“So the sex club afforded me to move from the textbook to see things in - action - for a lack of a better word. At first, just watching proved to be helpful. I felt like it helped me gain some real-life experience without actually physically participating. But after a while, I felt myself progressing. My interests and my preferences were changing and developing. I was learning what I thought I would like and dislike.”
Was I crazy that what he was saying was actually making sense to me?
“So when just watching didn’t feel fulfilling anymore, well that’s when I stepped out from the shadows. I-I kind of joined in with couples or groups of people who were engaging in allforms of sex. I made it very clear to all of them that my only participation would be as the persondirectingthem. No one ever touched me and I never touched anyone else.”
“Dir-directing?
“Yes. I would tell them what to do.”
“So like… you’d sit, watch, and tell them what to do to one another? Like a daddy dom or something?”
“Yes. But they never called me ‘daddy dom’. You can though,” he winked at me before turning serious again. “But yeah, I’d watch, tell them exactly what to do and once they did, I’d have them tell me what things felt like.”
“I bet you graduated with a 4.0 GPA, didn’t you?”
“Summa cum laude, baby!”
We both laughed. Somehow it felt good to laugh after all of this serious talk.
Nicholas crept on his knees before me, his hands landing on the outside of my thighs and he leaned forward to kiss my stomach again as he sighed so heavily, as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. I ran my fingers through his hair and his head collapsed into my lap.
“I’m so sorry, honey. I hate that I had to tell you like this. I hate that I’m putting all this stress on you and baby bean. I hate that I even put us in this position.”
“Shh. It’s okay. Both bean and I are okay. This is just a lot to take in. I’ll need some time… But,” I let out a heavy breath as I closed my eyes and shared with him what I felt deep in my soul, “You and Iare okay, too,” I assured him as I continued to run my fingers through his freshly cut black hair.
“You mean that?”
“Even though Ireallyhate the fact that you were in a place like that,” I said with a hint of exhaustion in my voice, “if what you’re telling me is all true, I don’t know… I feel like I understand and even maybe sympathize with your logic?”
It wasn’t meant to come out as a question, but it did.
“Scottie, I swear to God, all of it - in my head, in my logic - I was doing it for you and for us. I wanted to be the one person that you could rely on to give you absolutely everything. I have worked so hard to become the best version of myself not only for myself, but also for us. And I knew because of my decision to stay devoted to you and you alone, I didn’t want to be lacking when it came to our sex life. As I hope I explained well enough, my deepest desire and wish was to study everything that I could so that I could give you the greatest pleasure that you’d ever experienced. Every time.”
He let that sit for a minute. “So yeah. I studied sex in college for four years, for you. I pierced my dick multiple times, mind you, so that I could enhance your pleasure. I went to sex clubs and watched people, for you. All I want is to make you… happy.”
My hands cupped both of his cheeks as he looked up at me on his knees before me. I looked so deep into his steely grey eyes and all I could see was love, devotion and fear.
The fear of losing me was very real for him.
“You’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life,” I told him honestly. “I may not have had a bad upbringing and adulthood until I met you a few months ago, but it also wasn’t necessarily a joyous life. I’ve basically spent my life, up until you, feeling abandoned and unwanted in some way. But you,” I stopped and took a breath.
I continue, “You make me feel so fuckingloved! You make me feel wanted, desired, and so happy. It feels like I have lived more in the last couple of months with you than I have in all my years prior. Even though most people would consider what you did so messed up, daresay deranged, I find it… endearing,” I said that last word and gave him a coy little smile.
“I think it makes me just as crazy as you though,” I added and laughed.
Nicholas rose up and slid his arms around my body before his lips found mine. “Sweetheart, I’d choose our flavor of crazy any day of the week, for eternity.”
“Well alright then,” I replied and chuckled. “I guess we’re in agreement then.”
He laughed at my response as he kissed my lips again. “So you forgive me?”
“It’s going to take me some time, and we will have to talk more about this… But as long as you promise you’ll never lie to me or keep secrets from me.”
“Going forward, I will never keep anything from you that you should know about. Scout’s honor,” he said as he put his right hand up and did the scout’s honor sign.
“Glad we cleared all of that up for now. But I’m going to reiterate that I need time to process all of this and I’m sure I’ll have more questions. For now though, I guess you don’t have to stress about this whole thing as much now that you told me, huh?”
“Of course, honey. We’ll talk as much as you need, ask me whatever you need to ask me. I’ll tell you everything. And, well…” he began and then he proceeded to tell me about his conversation with his two best friends. That’s when he dropped yet another bombshell on me, on how he’d screwed his friends over.
