Page 57 of Exes That Puck
She nods, making a note. “How long has this pattern been going on?”
“Two years. Maybe longer.” I shift in the chair. “The thing is, I know what I’m doing wrong. I can see it happening. But in the moment, I don’t care. I just react.”
“That’s actually very insightful,” she says. “Recognizing the pattern is the first step. What usually triggers these reactions?”
I think about it. “Well, with my ex, it was when she talks to other guys. When she doesn’t text back right away. When I feel like she’s pulling away or hiding something from me.”
“And what do those situations feel like in your body?”
“Like...” I pause, trying to find the words. “Like I’m going to lose something important. Like my chest gets tight and I can’t think straight. Like I need to do something to fix it.”
She writes something down. “That sounds like anxiety manifesting as a need for control. It’s actually quite common, especially for athletes who are used to having control over their performance.”
The comparison to hockey makes sense. On the ice, I can control my effort, my positioning, my decisions. But with Kara, nothing feels controllable.
It’s quiet for a moment.
I say, “So what do I do about it?”
“Well, we can work on techniques for managing that anxiety when it comes up. Breathing exercises, grounding techniques, ways to pause before reacting.” She leans forward slightly. “But I’m curious why now? What made you decide to seek help if it’s been ongoing for some time?”
I think about that for a second. “Because I love her. And I keep hurting her without meaning to. And if I don’t change, I’m going to lose her for good.”
“That’s a powerful motivator. But change that’s only motivated by external factors like keeping someone else around can be difficult to sustain. It doesn’t mean that you and her will work out. So tell me what would change mean for you, independent of your relationship?”
The question catches me off guard. I’ve been so focused on winning Kara back that I haven’t thought much about what happens if she doesn’t want to be with me. What happens if we don’t work out. Right now I think that we will, but the truth is that we’re just fucking.
Wait, is that even the truth? Because the morning sex was so good, and we told each otherI love youway too many times for just hooking up.
“I guess... I’d feel less anxious all the time. Less like I’m waiting for something bad to happen.”
“That sounds worth pursuing.”
We spend the rest of the session talking about specific situations and better ways to handle them. She gives me homework. I need to keep a log of when I feel triggered and what I do about it. It feels weird, clinical, but also hopeful somehow.
“This isn’t going to change overnight,” she warns as our time wraps up. “Real behavioral change takes practice and patience with yourself.”
I nod. “I’m willing to do the work.”
And I mean it.
Outside, the late afternoon air feels crisp against my face. I check my phone as I walk to my truck and see a text from my sister, Ava.
Ava:Willy and I broke up. It’s been coming for a while but still sucks. Can we talk later?
I stare at the message, processing. Ava and Willy have been together longer than me and Kara. If they can’t make it work, what does that say about the rest of us?
Zeke:Hope you’re okay. Call me later.
Sitting in my truck, I think about what the doc said about change being for me, not just for Kara. Maybe that’s the difference between the couples that make it and the ones that don’t. Do people change to be better or because they’re afraid of being alone.
I start the engine and head home, carrying that question with me.
22
My phone buzzes with a picture from Lola. My stomach plummets when I see Zeke sitting across from a brunette at what looks like a coffee shop. The girl is leaning forward, talking animatedly, and he’s listening with that focused expression I know so well.
Lola:I see Zeke with a girl right now.
