Page 114 of Cooking Up a Christmas Storm
‘Nothing.’
Her mum shook her head. ‘I thought it was Gemma but you said that was done with and if anything you’ve been worse since you got back.’
‘I’m just not sure what I’m going to do next.’
‘You’re sure you can’t go back to this place?’ Her mother had her phone out again, Instagram open on the Highland Cookery School page. ‘It looks like they put on a good spread.’
Jodie watched the reel. Christmas dinner in the small hall, by the looks of things. That must mean they’d finished clearing all the stuff out of the ballroom corridor. That was good. Everyone was smiling and chatting. Anna, Nina, Darcy, even Veronica was tolerating a paper cracker crown. Jodie felt a pull. She ought to be there. Finally the camera panned round and lingered, just for a moment, over a less smiling face. ‘Pavel.’ The name was out of her lips before she had the chance to check herself.
‘Right. So is that who you’re pining over?’
Jodie wanted to protest that she wasn’t pining. She knew she’d been nothing but trouble to her parents growing up and she had been determined not to cause them any more worry. At the same time the effort of constantly presenting a happy face to the world – less successfully than she thought she had, it turned out – was exhausting. ‘Yes,’ she whispered.
‘He means something to you?’
‘Meant. I messed it up.’
‘I’m sure you didn’t…’ her mother started.
‘I did. I really did this time. It wasn’t like Gemma.’ Jodie hadn’t admitted this out loud yet. ‘I think you were right about her. Partly at least. I don’t think she actually liked me, and I ended up not liking myself either.’
‘And that made you think you must be very lucky to have her?’
‘Something like that.’ Her heart wasn’t with Gemma any more. ‘Pavel wasn’t like that. He’s kind and…’ Jodie thought back. There were some memories that weren’t for her mother’s consumption. ‘Strong and he made me feel capable somehow.’ She shook her head. ‘That sounds silly.’
‘That sounds lovely,’ her mother responded. ‘So what happened? Did he break up with you? Do you need me to go round to his house and tell him off? Cos I will, you know.’
Jodie didn’t doubt it. What she’d done was too big, too awful, to explain. ‘I wasn’t honest with him. I was pretending to be something I’m not.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t know. A proper grown-up.’
‘Nobody’s a proper grown-up. We’re all pretending. That doesn’t count.’
‘Sensible then. Responsible.’
‘You’re perfectly responsible.’
Recent behaviour would seem to contradict that conclusion. ‘I’m not. I’m scatty.’ There was Gemma’s word again. ‘I forget arrangements. I don’t think ahead. I’m messy…’
Her mother closed her eyes. ‘I mean, you do forget plans sometimes. And you attract mess like nobody I’ve ever seen, but then other times you can concentrate so deeply and create wonderful things. Like when you’re drawing. And really I don’t think you can drive someone away by being a bit disorganised.’
Her mum didn’t understand. ‘Gemma said I was impossible to live with.’
‘And this Pavel isn’t Gemma.’
‘She wasn’t as bad as you think.’ Jodie’s answer hung in the air between them. ‘She wanted me to do better. She…’ Jodie stopped. She sounded familiar. ‘She saw my potential.’ It was like she’d heard this speech before. ‘She liked things a certain way and… I sound like Fiona.’
‘Who?’
‘Someone from Scotland. She used to talk about her boss like that. He was a dick.’
Jodie’s mum nodded.
‘I thought you loved Gemma.’
‘What was I going to say? I think your girlfriend is a manipulative cow?’
