Page 104 of Cooking Up a Christmas Storm
‘A row, you mean?’
‘What do you think?’
Honestly, Jodie wasn’t sure. Pavel didn’t seem angry. She wasn’t even sure she could imagine him angry. She knew she’d seen parts of him he kept close – the passion and the tenderness – but anger was something else. ‘You don’t seem that cross.’
Pavel shook his head in clear and utter disbelief. ‘I’m furious. And confused. And I don’t know what else, but right now none of that matters if you go.’
‘It would be worse if I stayed.’ It was true. If she stayed he’d make her tell him the truth about everything. All the lies. All the deceit. And everything before that as well. That she was a deadbeat who turned everything she touched to ash, and seeing her as she really was would eventually do the same to him.
‘No.’ Finally Pavel sat down next to her and took her hand into his. ‘No. Nothing would be worse than you leaving. I’m so angry with you. For lying, but even more so for not telling me, even when everyone else knew. But you going now and me not seeing you again is still worse. If you stay I can fix this. I can make it better.’
He was wrong. ‘I’ll ruin things again if I stay. You’re better off…’
He shook his head. ‘I’m not going to let you do that. It’s a get-out-of-jail-free card, isn’t it? You’re leaving for my benefit? You are not. You’re leaving for yours. Cos you’re too scared to stay and face the music.’
She didn’t reply. She couldn’t. She couldn’t admit he was right because if he was right then the next thing would be to stay and try to make things better. Jodie couldn’t face failing at that.
‘You said you didn’t think I was a coward,’ he continued. ‘But I am. I’m only here now because I found something that scares me even more than admitting how I feel. I’m terrified of loving you. But I’m more terrified of losing you.’ He squeezed her hand a little tighter. ‘So I’m here. I love you. Stay.’ He pressed her hands to his lips. ‘Let me find a way to make all of this better.’
Maybe she could. Maybe, even if she messed up, Pavel could be a good enough man for the both of them. Maybe he could love her enough to make her better. She could hear the problem in her head without even saying it out loud. Pavel Stone couldn’t fix her. Nobody could.
‘I want to stay,’ she admitted.
‘Then do.’
The station announcement cut through the moment.The train now approaching platform one…
‘That’s me.’ She started to stand up.
Pavel shook his head, hand still tightly wrapped around hers. ‘Don’t.’
‘It’s…’ She looked into his big, kind face. She owed him the truth. Even if it was just this once. ‘I think I could love you.’ That was only a half-truth. ‘I could love you, but I daren’t.’
‘Coward.’
‘Yeah.’ It was true. ‘But I daren’t love you because I don’t think I can without hurting you even more. I don’t know when or how yet, but I would mess this up and I didn’t run because I was scared of how angry you’d be. I ran because I couldn’t face being there when you found out. I didn’t want to see the damage I’d done.’
Pavel finally released her hand. ‘The damage is there whether you see it or not. Maybe you need to face it?’
The train was rumbling on to the station.
‘Stay,’ he whispered again.
‘I can’t.’ She really couldn’t. ‘You’re right. I should face the damage, but…’ There was so much damage. Everywhere Jodie went, she left pain in her wake. It had to stop. Pavel Stone couldn’t fix her. She had to stop herself. ‘I’m sorry.’
Chapter Sixteen
It was the following lunchtime that Jodie stepped off the train to Hastings after four trains and an uncomfortable night at Euston. This was the place she’d sworn she wasn’t going to end up, but after everything she finally did have no choice. She dragged herself and her suitcase through the shopping centre and over West Hill to Collier Road, and stopped outside her parents’ home. It was a three-storey rambling old townhouse that had always been filled with lodgers and dogs and stray cats and anyone, and anything, else her mother invited in.
The door opened in front of her before Jodie had got close enough to ring the bell. Jodie took a deep breath and looked up into her mother’s eyes. ‘I thought you might have got stuck at the bottom of the path.’
Jodie shook her head. ‘I was just taking a minute.’ She looked her mother up and down. She’d always been a bundle of energy, never moved at a stroll when she could stride out or dash from place to place.
‘Are you going to come in then?’
‘Yeah.’
Her mother glanced down at Jodie’s case. ‘So not just a flying visit?’ Her voice was hopeful.
