Page 17 of To Tempt A Highland Duke
At least Dougray was being honest with her. She rose and gathered her clothes.
“I have given up a lot because of a decision you made about us, without me, many years ago. If you want me to become your wife, we will decide together. My decision is that I want the chance to see if I can have a child of my own. If you cannot face your fear and allow me my dream, then I will find a man who will.”
He sat up and she could barely think to dress herself with his glorious nakedness before her, especially after the wonderful moment they just shared. Never had she experienced such passion, such release, until he’d pulled from her body as if she were one of his ‘women’.
“I thought you understood. I thought you knew that I can only marry you because you can not get with child. I don’t want to risk something happening to you?”
“You stupid man. All of life is a risk. Look at Iain. A bee felled him. A bee! We do not know what the future holds for any of us. I’m not God, you are not God.” She sank down onto the edge of the bed and pulled on her stockings. “If I become your wife, I want the chance to give you a son. To have your child and to do that I would risk everything and anything, even my life.”
“I won’t.”
She looked over her shoulder at him, and his face was stark with terror.
“I look at Connor and I envy Connie. I envy a dead woman because she gave you a child. I would have changed places with Connie gladly if it meant I created something so perfect. If it meant a part of me would be here after me.”
When he looked away she whispered, “You might want to live a safe little life, but I want to embrace life and face the risks, because the joys we might receive are worth it. Can you honestly say you wish Connor had never been born?”
“That’s not fair.”
She nodded. “But life isn’t fair, we both know that. But Connor is such a wonderful young man. Please don’t deny me a chance to see if I can fulfill my dream.”
“You are asking a lot of me. If I lost you in childbirth… It would destroy me.”
“It will destroy me if I cannot try. We could have such a wonderful life together. It’s all or nothing, because I’d rather have nothing than a half-life with you.”
“What if you still don’t get with child? Will that not devastate you? Perhaps I’m protecting you from that.”
“At least be truthful. You are protecting yourself.” She sighed. “If I don’t fall with child, then I will accept that fate, and you will have to come to terms with not having an heir.” She put up her hand. “I understand you think you don’t care but you might change your mind as you age. That is the risk both of us take if we marry. That as you age, you might resent the fact I’m barren.”
He leaned forward and sought her hand and linked his fingers through hers. She tried not to look at the majesty of the man because she was on the brink of giving in and saying yes to his proposal with no stipulations of her own, but this was too important to them both. “You are asking me to risk my worst nightmare.”
She nodded. “I will be brave for both of us.”
When he said nothing more, she slipped her hand free and made her way to the door. Her bedchamber was down the hall. She opened the door and peered out. The corridor was empty. She looked back at the enormous, naked man in the bed across the room and her heart bled. He looked so small, so lost, but she would not back down. She knew what she wanted. She wanted it all, his love, and his child if she could. She at least wanted the chance to try. A wonderful, happy marriage with a bevy of children could be within both their grasps. She would fight for them this time, would he?
Would he love her enough to conquer his fears?
“You know where my room is. Prove to me our marriage will be all it can be and I will go before the King and agree to be your wife.” Then she slipped from the room, closing the door softly behind her, hoping love would overcome fear, because she loved Dougray, and she knew she’d never love another man as much.
* * *
Was he being a coward?He fell back amongst the sheets and wondered how he’d gone from feeling as though he could touch heaven to the knowledge he could lose her for good.
Glengarry would offer for her in a heartbeat. Would she marry him just to see if she could bear a child?
Was he protecting himself and using saving Flora’s life as a means to preserve his sanity? He would lose his mind if he lost her in childbirth.
Before his father died, he’d said to Dougray pick a woman and marry her. Forget about love. Then Dougray would not care if she died in childbirth. But he wasn’t as callous as his father. For three years after Connie’s death he’d not looked twice at a woman, too scared in case the same thing happened again. It took him years before he took his first lover, and then he got very inventive.
Six years after Connie’s death, at four and twenty, he’d suddenly noticed that young Flora, a woman he’d known for years and who was his best friend’s little sister, had blossomed into a woman before his eyes. One day she smiled at him and he fell in love as fast as a snap of his fingers. So caught up in his desire for her, the dream of the life they could have, he forgot all about what a marriage would mean. Children. Birth. Death?
One night when their kisses got a bit too amorous, a memory he hadn’t had for many years flashed through his head. A picture in vibrant red of his mother surrounded by blood—dead—along with her newborn son. It was that memory along with the details of Connie’s death that made him see he could not be so selfish.
So he’d made a choice. He’d walked away to save her life, and to protect his heart. If only he was sure she was barren, because God help him, God help her, he couldn’t walk away again. Not after she’d shared her body with him.
He craved a normal life and marriage with her. Only her.
He swung his legs over the end of the bed and found a robe.
