Page 16 of A Love to Remember
“Too personal to share with me?” She sat up straighter in her chair and her eyes narrowed. “Very well. At the beginning of our affair, I did say I never wanted to remarry. Now I want more—more than a few moments stolen here and there. And then I must consider Drake. He is getting older. Soon he’ll be old enough to understand and be embarrassed by his mother’s behavior. I can’t carry on this way.”
He knew she was right. He knew he was being unreasonable. Childish. “But we are wonderful together. I—I love what we have. Why ruin it?”
She sighed. “It’s already ruined. We just haven’t wanted to accept it. If I did not feel about you the way I do, then what we share would probably be enough. But I want more children, and you make it perfectly clear every time we make love that you do not wish me to have your child.”
Philip went cold at the thought of Rose conceiving his child. If she were to become pregnant he would either have to marry her or leave her ruined. A legitimate heir was precisely the reason he could not get married. Thomas or his son had to inherit. Rose’s response moments ago was enough to tell him she would not understand or accept his reasons.
Robert chose to buy a major’s commission only because he believed Philip had bought a commission. But Philip had had no money to buy a commission. Instead, through a favor, he’d been given a non-purchase commission as a lieutenant. Philip signed up only because he didn’t want to have to tell his wiser, older brother that he’d just lost his year’s allowance, and then some, in a daft and what turned out to be a very risky investment.
He’d joined the cavalry out of desperation at his own stupidity, and Robert had paid the price.
So he dangled his glass from his fingers and quirked an eyebrow. “If Robert were still here I could do as I please, and I’d marry you in a heartbeat.”
Her mouth twisted in a parody of a smile, and his heart ached in his chest when even that faded. “It’s my reputation, isn’t it?” she murmured. “You would prefer a virginal Lady Abigail.”
The very idea of Lady Abigail made him want to hurl his glass into the fireplace. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Her beautiful face filled with anger. “Then tell mewhy.Whyshould we not marry?”
“I can tell you my reasons have nothing to do with you or your reputation.” He softened his sharp tone. “It’s not you, my sweet. It’s just I am not ready to settle down.” He grasped at straws, desperate for something she might believe. “The estate takes up so much of my time, and I want to make Robert proud of how I’ve stepped up to take his place. I never expected to be the earl”—that at least was not a lie—“and there is a lot to learn—and a lot at stake for my family if I fail.”
For a moment she said nothing. Then words spilled out of her. “I wish Robert had never gone to war. No. I wish bloody Napoleon had never been born.”
“As do I, every day.” It was the absolute truth. “But we rarely get what we want, do we?”
“No.” She slumped in her chair, blinking back tears. “When I was married to Roxborough I prayed every day that you would ride in and rescue me. It was silly. You didn’t even notice me when I was a young girl.”
Was that what she thought? He pressed a kiss to her palm. “I noticed you. Every man did. But at first I did not understand what your father was planning. When I did—that you were to marry a duke—I was sure your father would never allow you to marry the second son of a mere earl instead.”
She shook her head. “You misunderstand. I prayed you wouldn’t care about my father. I just wanted you to come and carry me away.” She brushed her fingers over her eyes. “As I said, silly. The foolish dreams of a young, frightened girl.” Now she met his gaze. “Just as foolish, it appears, as the dreams I’ve had for the past year.”
“I thought you were just as averse to marriage as I.”
“I did say that.” She stared at him, head tilted as though she was trying to make sense of him. “It would appear I have changed my mind. Perhaps you will, too, one day.”
“No.” He had to crush that hope before it took root. “It won’t happen.”
“Because,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken, “if I knew that one day you might change your mind, I could carry on. I could wait.”
The wistful despair in her quiet voice made Philip want to weep. She loved him. It took all his willpower not to pull her into his arms and beg her to stay with him. But he could no more do that to her than he could pour out the truth about his vow. “No, my love. That would not be fair—fair to you. If you want to marry again, then you will have to choose another man.”
He said no more, refusing to debate what he knew in his bones to be his only honorable course of action. Robert had sacrificed his life for Philip’s. He’d sacrifice his for Thomas, for his family’s sake.
Rose could hardly breathe through the pain. She’d ended affairs before, but they had rarely lasted more than a few months. She had certainly never fallen in love with any of her paramours—probably because she’d always loved Philip. Now she hoped none of those men had fallen in love with her. She would hate to know she’d caused any man this kind of pain.
Her love for Philip might have started as girlish infatuation with a fairy-tale hero, but over the years she’d fallen for the man—the foolish, pigheaded, arrogant,stupidman, sitting across from her.
Finally, he stirred. “Will you really not consider carrying on as we are?”
She studied his handsome features and was sorely tempted. But— “Will you really not consider making me your wife?”
“We don’t need marriage. We could be together for the rest of our lives.”
The idea was tempting. “You’ve forgotten Kirkwood. He won’t let this go on for much longer. Drake is five—almost six. Kirkwood will expect me to act with more decorum. If I’m lucky he’ll let me live quietly at my country estate. If not, he’ll insist I find a husband.”
She watched Philip’s mouth firm and his grip almost shatter the glass he held.
When he stayed silent, she tried again. “If Kirkwood insists on my remarrying, I can’t take that step with you in my bed and—even worse—in my heart. I need to be free to find a man who, if he doesn’t actually love me, at least cares for me. And I need to be able to care for him. So, I am sorry, I have to refuse your offer.”
