Page 184 of Coach
“Because he’s . . .” I rubbed the back of my neck. “He’s fucking hot.”
“Uh-huh,” Stevie said, already way too smug. “How hot?”
I thought a moment.
“You know when we go to a Thai restaurant and order something spicy and the waitress asks, ‘Do you want American hot or Thai hot?’”
“Yeah.”
“Thai hot is a warning. It’s a whole different level of white-people problems. It’s the kind of hot that melts the chrome off a bumper.”
“That’s not possible.”
“Just roll with me here. I’m drowning.”
She snickered. “Drowning in hot sauce?”
“Thai hot sauce, only—”
“Only what?”
“He’s not Thai. He’s Italian. Like from Italy and still has the accent and smells like pepperoni and everything.”
“Yousmelledhim?”
“No!” I blew out a breath. This was useless. I was never getting dressed. “It was an expression. You know, what people say.”
“Literallyno onesays that.”
“Fuck off,” I said, holding the phone away and flicking her a bird. “He’s stupidly beautiful, like he stepped out onto the porch and the sun hit him likeitwas trying to flirt. He has these big brown eyes, ridiculous hands that move like he’s always talking even when he’s not, and his accent—Jesus—it’s likehis vowels are trying to seduce you.”
“Oh my God,” she wheezed. “His vowels?”
“And he talks fast when he’s nervous, says too much, then tries to walk it back like he didn’t just trip over his own tongue. When I spilled water on myself—”
“Wait, you spilled water on yourself?”
“Focus!”
“Fine!”
“My shirt was soaked and all see-through, which made my nipples and abs poke through like I was about to walk a runway. He short-circuited. He looked at me like I was a fire hazard, and then he stared at my chest like he’d never seen one before. And I—” I groaned. “I haven’t stopped thinking about him since.”
Silence.
“You have a boy crush,” she singsonged.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “No, I don’t.”
“You have a feelings-crush,” she sang. “You are emotionally compromised. Shane has actual human emotions for a hot Italian with a tragic accent and a thirst for sideboards.”
“Stevie.”
“You’re into him.”
“I’m hanging up.”
“You want to hold hands and share soup bowls.”
