Page 32 of Hansel and Gerhardt
The sight of his shoe, just out of the corner of Hansel’s eye, filled him with such relief, such longing, that when Gerhardt took his place by his side, his heart was full to overflowing.
“I’m sorry,” Hansel began. He stared straight ahead, but he registered Gerhardt’s gaze on him, the movement of that flop of hair. He wanted to look into those doe-like eyes, big and brown, and since they’d escaped, soft, long-lashed, gentle.
“Don’t be sorry,” Gerhardt replied. “I’m not.” Hansel’s heart beat hard in his chest as he waited for Gerhardt to finish speaking, to explain why he’d woken so distant. “I’m not sorry… for what you did… I don’t… I don’t want you to feel bad.”
“I didn’t feel bad. I felt fine. I felt happy.” There was a clipped tone in his voice, and Gerhardt reacted in kind.
“That’s exactly the problem, isn’t it? We’re moving on today. We’re moving on, and we’re finding a town—”
“And you’re coming to live with me. You told me only last night that you would.”
“But not likethat, Hansel.” His voice came thick with apology. “Not like that.”
Finally, Hansel looked over at him, eyes flaring, unable to hide the hurt and the shock. “What do you mean ‘like that’?”
“I mean…” Gerhardt licked his lips, looking out at nothing and at everything. “You have no world experience—”
Hansel cut him off with a vicious scoff. “Oh, as though you know so much about the big, wide world.”
“I know a damn sight more than you do,” Gerhardt threw back.
“Don’t call me simple!” Hansel snapped.
“I never once did. Would you stop saying that?”
“Then stop acting like it! You think I don’t know what I want?” He gestured a hand between them. “That I don’t know what this is?”
“You’re being ridiculous.” Gerhardt said it on a laugh, as if that would prove his point about Hansel’s immaturity. He stretched an arm out over the expanse of forest below. “There’s all the world out there. There are houses and jobs and money. And people! Thousands and thousands of real people, all flesh and blood. And they’re new, and they’re exciting, and they’re going to be…” He trailed off, his face turning hard, a little pale, as he dropped his head. “They’re going to have so much more to offer you, Hansel, than I ever could.”
Hansel’s heart pulled him around, and he turned to face Gerhardt, one leg hanging over the cliff. “I don’t want all the people,” he said, his knee pressing hard into Gerhardt’s. “I don’t care about them.”
“But you can’t know that.” Gerhardt flung him a small smile, then looked away again. “You can’t know until you get out into the world and see it. And I’m scared now… that I should never have done that.” He looked down again, tying his fingers in knots. “That it will have ruined all your experiences, all the things you’ve yet to find. And it’s me, and I am just this… fucking remnant of your past. Your shitty life. This very thing you’re escaping from—”
Hansel grabbed his face, pulled him in, and kissed him. He kissed him hard and long, and Gerhardt, fingers twisting in Hansel’s shirt, kissed him back. Hansel dipped his forehead to Gerhardt’s, one hot tear dropping onto Gerhardt’s cheek. “You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, and you’re not of that.”
“But I am,” Gerhardt whispered. “I am. And you can’t start fresh with me.”
“I don’t want—”
Gerhardt gripped his cheek. “And you can’t know what you want until you see it.”
Gerhardt tried to turn his head away, but Hansel held him, speaking low and earnest. “I see you. Here in my hands. Here and now and all I want. I would be stupid if I didn’t hold on to you.”
His eyelashes fluttered closed, a tear in their midst. “What if that’s all I am to you? Something to hold on to?”
“You’re not.”
“Because I don’t want that. I don’t want to go to a city and have you…” Gerhardt raised hopeless eyes to him. “You’ll leave me for someone else. When you meet other people, and they want you. Because you’re so handsome. And you’re so kind. And when they meet you, and they want you, you’ll fall in love. Really in love. And you’ll look back at last night…” His eyes shut, lines drawing tight above them. “And I think you’ll hate me for taking advantage of you.”
“Advantage?” Hansel gasped out. “What advantage? You think I didn’t know what I was doing?”
“You can’t know if you—”
“Stop it!” Hansel cried. “I’m not going to argue in circles with you. You’re not the world-weary soul you think you are. You’re a kid. You’re a kid trapped in a man’s body. You’re a boy who never got the chance to grow up, and you’re just like me. And this is it. This is the first day for both of us. And we can startit living under all that anger and fear, terrified of one mis-step, but fuck, Gerhardt. We’ve lived our whole lives like that. Look around you. Look at this forest. Look at this sunrise. Look at these sticks and stones and moss and sky and this beauty everywhere, all here, just for us. Just for you and me. It’s ours, and we just have to reach out and take it. If you want me, have me. I’m right here.”
Gerhardt shook his head, wiping away a tear. “You make it sound so easy. Too easy. That’s exactly what worries me.”
“You’re not actually my brother, you know?” Hansel stood, stalking away from Gerhardt. “You’re not. You’re the same scrawny boy who walked into my life, who treated me like shit for almost all of it.” He stretched a finger out at him. “And I still think you’re a fool. And I still think you’re in way over your head.” He leaned down and picked up some of the meat Gerhardt had cut earlier, tossing it onto the fire to cook. “And I’m still going to take care of you, whether you’ll kiss me or not. You’ll see. And when we get to a city, I’m sticking with you. Everywhere you go. And I won’t fall for one other person. And maybe then you’ll understand. Nothing can come between us unless you let it happen.” He looked across, crystalline eyes sparkling in the dawn light. “I’m loyal and I’m true. And I know what I want. And that’s you, Gerhardt.”
