Page 16 of Hansel and Gerhardt
An arm against his at first, then a hand curling around his biceps, giving a squeeze.
He wanted to drop his head to Hansel’s great shoulder, close his eyes and nestle there.
But how strange that would have been, out here in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night, and Hansel alone with him and no one else.
He had to restrain himself, lest he make it awkward.
Hansel said, “I don’t blame you. I wanted to say to you, I couldn’t believe you did it. But only because I wouldn’t have been able to.”
Gerhardt let out a bitter breath of laughter and tried to pull away, but Hansel held him firm.
“Not because I think you did anything wrong. You did just exactly the right thing. And it was a hard choice, and it saved us both. And I have always admired that in you. You pushed it today. You made Father so angry that he almost killed us both. But if you hadn’t done that, where would we be now?”
Gerhardt took enough heart to meet his eyes, and there was a kindness in them, soft in the delicate moonlight, that entranced Gerhardt.
“Wemighthave been inside. If he hadn’t killed us,” Hansel said. “We might even have had a fire. But we’d be just as hungry. And we’d be just as scared.” Hansel’s lips parted like he wanted to speak on, but wasn’t sure what to say. It took him a moment, but finally, with the ghost of a smile, he said, “And I would never have discovered that you didn’t hate me.”
Gerhardt turned his whole body towards him, clasping his forearm. “I have never hated you.” This he said twice as firmly as the last time, earnestly, his dark eyes searching Hansel’s for his understanding.
That slight smile deepened, became something solid, real. “And now you know I have always admired you. Even if I was too scared to ever tell you. I didn’t want to encourage it because I thought it was dangerous. But you have made me feel safe, even if you never knew it, just by being there. I took heart in your bravery every day. And today it has saved my life. And I hate to see you struggle this way. And if I could carry you on my back and out of this place, I would. Until my dying step, I would carry you…” He broke off and turned his face away as a tear sparkled down his cheek.
“Hansel…” Gerhardt whispered. It was an admission he’d never imagined he’d hear. That those feelings were hidden in Hansel’s heart all that time. That he never thought he could tell him. How different things might have been.
Hansel tried to laugh it off. “We are both tired. We’ve been through so much today. Maybe we do need to rest a while.”
Gerhardt’s hand tightened on the branch. He felt as though he should tell Hansel all the same things—return his kind words with the secret sentiments he’d always kept scrunched in a ball in his chest. That Hansel’s quiet kindness was the only thing that kept him going most days. That when he’d once sharpened a stick into a stake and thought of forcing it through his chest, the idea of leaving Hansel alone with their father was the only thing that had stopped him.
But he couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t, because very suddenly, Gerhardt became aware that what he wanted to say wasn’t the words of a brother. It was something more, and something deeper, and something that went beyond anything Gerhardt had ever felt before. Because hearing those words on Hansel’s lips had changed something inside him.
Yes, Hansel was his only person in the world. To lose him or to leave him—he would rather die than let it happen. But there was something now in the turn of his cheek, in his humility, in theway he moved his lips, and the long lashes that closed over those kind eyes.
He yearned to reach a hand out for that cheek, to comfort him, but also to feel the brush of his short beard on his skin. To feel it beneath his hand. And worse still… beneath his lips. To kiss his cheek. To kiss his lips.
Gerhardt’s chest swelled with desire for the first time in his life—a desire that raged against shame, that took his breath and silenced him. That made him turn his back on Hansel and walk a little distance towards the stream.
“I think you’re right,” he said, cupping a hand, dipping it into the ice-cold water, which he splashed on his face to quell the heat at his cheeks. “We have this to drink at least. No fire, no food, but it’s something. Perhaps in the morning…”
“Yes,” Hansel agreed, eyes fast on his back. “Perhaps in the morning…”
If I Could Sleep Forever...
They were standing by the branch again, only this time it was daylight, hours earlier, and there had been no hard choices, and they were standing there because they wanted to, and they were happy.
“I’ve always admired you,” said Hansel.
That puff of dark hair was freshly washed, and it shone in the sunlight and the soft breeze, and they were so warm.
Gerhardt moved closer, the inner edge of his thigh pressing against Hansel’s as he raised his leg up, leaning his foot on a log just behind, cocking his head to the side in that nonchalant way of his.
Hansel retreated, his back hitting the branch. But Gerhardt didn’t let him get away. He locked arms on either side, holding the branch tight, pinning him, and with a sly smile, he said, “Tell me what you like about me.”
“Everything,” Hansel whispered.
“Do you like this?” Gerhardt asked softly, tilting his head, placing a gentle kiss on Hansel’s cheek.
“Yes,” Hansel whispered, the kiss sending a thousand butterfly flutters to every inch of his skin.
“Do you like this?” Gerhardt asked softly, his head leaning the other way to kiss the very corner of Hansel’s trembling lips.
