Page 175 of The Lands Defying
“Hey,” he murmurs, looking up at Drax still. “He’s big.”
“Yeah,” I chuckle, turning to look up at him too. “Biggest one you have seen, right?”
He nods, and Drax seems to stand taller as we become silent while he just lets us stare at him.
“Wanna help me?” I ask Kade, tilting my head to the deer and he nods.
We both know I don’t need help.
Kade grabs the deer and we walk with Drax at our back, heading through the forest and to the gathering.
“Is Edward okay?”
“Better,” I say. It will take some time but he will be okay.
“And he’s the one who helped with my…memories?”
I’m quiet for a moment when we come up to a river. Gesturing for him to leave the deer, we go to the water and sit. Draxtakes a drink as I watch the water ripple. It’s cold out, but not unbearable.
“When you were younger, you would have these nightmares that felt like no other. Or I guess, I knew what they felt like because I had them too.” I don’t look at him as I talk, but I know he’s watching me. “They hurt you, Carzan, and they hurt me.” I turn to look at him then. “They are family but there is no love there…no warmth and comfort. All they gave us was pain.”
His brows furrow. “I don’t…really remember.”
I nod. “I made it that way. I would say I am sorry, but I’m not. I asked Edward to block those younger years from you, and Kade…that night I have never seen you sleep so peacefully.” I reach for his hand and squeeze his fingers. “You smiled for the first time three days later, a day after, you laughed.” I smile softly at the memory. “You would play with Josh and I, you would ask questions and learn things about the lands. You were a totally different kid after those memories were blocked…how could I ever regret that?”
He looks to the water, deep in thought.
I swallow roughly.
“I…I never did the things they said about me, Carzan… I could never.” I shake my head. “I just wanted to protect you, give you the life you deserved. And then that expanded to others. I didn’t want that at first, but now they are my chosen family. It is hard to trust when for so long all you did was hurt.”
“Did they hurt you badly?”I nod.
When he says nothing, my heart drops and I pull my hand away, but he grabs onto it, still not looking at me, but he squeezes my hand.
“I don’t think you did what they said, not when I’m thinking clearly,” he says the last words quietly. “I’m thankful I had a mom like you.” I have to hold back the sob that wants to escape with those words. “I’m glad I had Josh. You were both the bestparents I could have ever wanted. I don’t seethemas my family. I know I can get confused and…and it may seem like it but…” He turns to me then. His eyes are full of untold words. “You will always be my family, and I’m sorry. Thank you for always taking care of me. I’ll do better.”
I lift a hand and stroke the back of his head. “All you need to do is be you.”
“What if I don’t know who that is anymore,” he whispers it like some secret.
“Then you find it.”
“And if I don’t like it?”
“Maybe you don’t like it because it is different from what you used to be, and that’s okay. You can learn to love it.”
“Are you different from what you used to be?”
My answer is quick.
“Yes.” He frowns at that. “But moments peek through,” I tell him, thinking about running through the lesia field. “Sometimes you find someone who brings out the things that you thought were lost forever.”
“And if they can’t?”
“You do it yourself, but then, you also don’t have to. Do not put too much pressure on yourself to be like you once were. Life molds you, situations change you, but you have the power with what you do. You can decide the path you take, and you can decide how to take the path that was thrown at you.”
His sigh is heavy, like he has so much inside of him and he doesn’t know how to release it. “Can we do the blood link again?” he asks, and I have to breathe deeply a few times to choke my words out.
