Page 160 of The Lands Defying
The closer I get to Kade, the urge to suddenly flee grows stronger when he doesn’t move. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can take any more hurt from him, if I can have him look at me the same way he did that day in the castle. It will break me this time, I’m sure of it.
But then, he lifts his head.
Blue, unseeing eyes pierce me so sharply that I freeze mid-step. He just stares at me for a moment, seeing through me as we seem to pause in time.
But then he blinks, a furrow to his brow as he slowly sits up straighter. When I continue to do nothing, Kade’s eyes widen and he scrambles to his feet.
Pain so acute fills his eyes, a cry lodged in his throat as he says a word I have never heard from him before. A word that nearly brings me to my knees.
“Mom?”
A sob bursts free from my throat and I don’t hesitate any more. I rush toward him.
I crash into him, and he falls into my chest, clinging to my sides as that cry finally escapes him. My hand goes to the back of his head on instinct, comforting him like I have always done, and his legs give way, taking us to the floor on our knees. I grab onto him tightly, tears streaming as I rock him slowly back and forth.
He says something into my skin, I can’t make it out as it’s so quiet, but it’s so full of torment and regret. As he continues on, I eventually make out the words.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
“Oh Carzan,” I whisper into his hair. “Shhh,” I tell him, still rocking back and forth, gently. “I’m here, I’m here.” He cries even harder, his whole body shaking from the force of it.
“I— I’m sorry.” He starts gagging over his sobs and his words. I pull him out of my neck and grab both sides of his face, wiping away the tears that never seem to stop falling. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Hush now,” I tell him, sniffling and trying to get my own emotions under control. I feel his pain like it’s my own and I just want to reach inside of him and take it away.
No one wants to see their child in so much pain.
Kade shakes his head, his face distraught. “What I said at the castle, what I believed, what I did…the cliff—”
“I know, I know, it’s okay,” I tell him again, but he doesn’t seem to be listening as he mumbles his sorry’s, barely breathing over his rushed words.
“I didn’t mean to…”
“I got you.”
“I never would have…”
“I’m here now.”
“I’m sorry…”
He falls into my chest again and I just hold him, sitting back against the wall and taking him with me.
It isn’t until he starts screaming into my neck and clawing at himself that I think I feel the worst pain I ever have. Worse than anything I have ever been through.
Hearing the anguish in his screams, the raw devastation…
That is a pain that has no rival.
Kade sits beside me against the wall, leaning into my side as I hold one of his hands in both of mine. My eyes feel scratchy, heavy, and I know they are red and puffy from crying with him.
We cried for so long.
Kade finally calmed down a little while ago, preferring just to sit in silence and be next to me rather than talk. But that’s okay, Runa and I are basking in his presence, like he is ours.
I look over at Darius across the room. He leans against the wall, arms crossed, but he is no doubt alert. His eyes haven’t left mine since he stood there, always making sure I’m okay.
He tried to come to me a little while ago when I tried to get my own sobs under control, and I can see he still wants to now with the tension running through his body, but I need to be with Kade right now.
