Page 57 of Best Kept Secret
CHAPTER 27
LOGAN
We drive across the bridge in silence. But the silence this time isn’t tense or awkward or uncomfortable. It’s easy. Just the two of us. I’m still on a high after learning that Millie lied through her perfect fucking teeth for me tonight. That’s got to mean something, right?
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.”
Confused by her unexpected words, I turn my head, finding Millie nervously wringing her hands together in her lap, a sheepish look on her face as she glances at me.
“Didn’t believe me?” My brows knit together.
“About… Hannah.” She clamps her bottom lip between her teeth.
My eyes widen. “Hannah told you?”
She nods. “Well, not… everything. But she told me enough.”
I take a moment to process that, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders. And it’s only then that I realize just how much stress being the only person who knew about Hannah and her affair had on me. It wasn’t that I wanted to tell anyone, because it’s not my business to tell, and I know how damaging that truth will be if it eventually leaks, but carrying it on my own has been a lot. I didn’t realize how much until right now.
“I wanted to believe you,” Millie continues. “And, I think deep down, I did believe you. I was just scared.”
I look across at her, offering her a small smile. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“No, I do,” she insists. “And I’m so, so sorry.”
“Apology accepted, Red.” Tentatively, I reach over, wrapping my hand around hers and giving her a reassuring squeeze, and when my gaze flicks back to hers, I’m not sure what comes over me—maybe it’s that I feel like we can’t truly move forward until I tell her, or maybe it’s the fact that I’ve never felt this comfortable with anyone before in my life—but whatever it is, I find myself taking a big breath and finally opening up in a way I never have before, to anyone.
“I was eighteen when Levi killed himself,” I begin, staring straight ahead at the taillights on the car in front of us. “I was in high school, and Levi was in college, playing hockey.” I swallow hard again, emotion racking through me, making the skin at the back of my neck prickle in a way that I have to reach back and rub it. “Sorry.” I scoff. “I don’t… I’ve never talked about this.”
“It’s okay.” Millie reassures me with a gentle squeeze of my hand still holding hers.
“My dad is, um, he’s an ex-hockey player. He played for New Jersey for a few years, but he was injured pretty bad and forced into early retirement.”
I can feel Millie watching me, waiting for more. She doesn’t pressure me or press me; she just waits. And I find that the pain that usually knots in my chest any time I start to talk about my father eases when I look her in her pretty eyes.
“Growing up, Dad was a hockey dad. God, I don’t even think Levilikedplaying, but Dad kept on pushing him. I always loved hockey. But I was never as good as Levi. Levi was a natural-born talent. I had to work at it.” I smile sadly. “My dad was hard on Levi. He used to yell at him through the glass during peewee games. Levi’s coach had to tell Dad that he either needed to calm down or leave. It was so embarrassing. Poor Levi was soembarrassed. Whenever I played, my dad never even bothered to look up from his phone.
“When Levi went to BU, he was the one to watch, you know?” I shake my head in wonderment, remembering just how revered my brother was. “Every team in the NHL had their eyes on him. He used to tell me that whoever he signed with, I’d eventually join him. He’d make sure of it. Levi was my best friendandmy idol.”
“He sounds like an amazing big brother,” Millie says.
“He was.” I nod, my smile falling. “But I didn’t know how bad things were for him. And suddenly, one day, he was just… gone. God, I still remember the sound of my mom screaming. It woke me up in the middle of the night. I’ll never forget that sound for as long as I live.” I shake my head, trying with everything I have to block out the memory of her piercing screams.
“Someone found him inside his car outside the practice facility,” I say after a silent moment. “He’d, um, taken a whole bottle of pain pills and mixed them with a bunch of sleeping pills and… I don’t know.” I shrug. “I guess he just went to sleep.”
“Did he say anything?” Millie asks, and when I look at her, a gleam of unshed tears reflect the lights of the city in her eyes as we drive. “Did he say anything to anyone?”
I shake my head again. “No one had any idea. He was happy and normal. Even at practice that night, he was making jokes, razzing up the guys on the team like he always did.”
“Did he leave a note?”
My jaw clenches tight at Millie’s question, and my heart lurches as guilt flares in my gut. “He didn’t leave a note,” I say finally. “But… and I’ve never told a single soul this. No one knows. A few weeks later, I got a letter at home.”
A soft gasp slips from Millie’s lips, her eyes widening at my confession. “What did it say?” She holds a hand up quickly, shaking her head. “Sorry. That was—don’t answer that. It’s so none of my business.”
I lick my bottom lip, contemplating my words. The letter is ina locked box, in a drawer in the back of my closet. No one has ever seen it. No one even knows of its existence. But it’s there. And it holds all the answers to the one question people have been asking every day since Levi’s sudden and totally unexpected suicide. Why?
“My dad killed Levi.”
