Page 12 of No Right To Love You
“First, let me just say that I love you with all my heart, Jaz. I love you more than you even realize it.”
At those words, Jasmine faces me.
“You love me?” she asks.
Those words sting my heart and immediately try not to cry.
“I love you, Jasmine. You are my world. The first daughter I've ever had and the only one to make me realize that I can set an example for you. I can show you that working and being at home are two things you can do. You can do them both or you can decide to just do one. I’m sorry that I missed your game and that I wasn't there when you needed me most. I want you to know something," I stand and move over to sit where she’s sitting. I take her hand in mine and wait until she looks my way.
“You, my love are the best things to ever happen to me. I was and am still proud of everything that you do. You are an amazing daughter, sister, and person. I know that it wasn’t easy to go to dad when you got your period, but you did and I'm sure he sat with you until you felt safe enough to be alone. It is an amazing journey, one that comes with a side of pain that we don’t want. I know that we, as women or young women, hate what comes with having our menstrual cycle but I want you to remember it's part of you. No one can take this experience from you. The same way your brother has to confide in his dad, and you get to confide in your mom. I will never take away your experience or minimize it, but I am glad that you had another bonding moment with your father. He must’ve felt special that he shared that with you.”
“Yeah, but I wanted to share it with you, mom. You’re my mother.” Jasmine tears up and I immediately pull her into a hug that I know she needs. I situate myself unto the window seat and sit back as I hold her like I used to when she was much smaller.
“My sweet princess Jasmine. I love you and I promise you that we can still share this moment. I have done you so wrong by not giving you my availability and I promise I'll fix it. I don’t want you to ever think that I won't be there for you because I will.”
Jasmine cries some more in my arms and she just lets me rock her. It doesn’t matter how long we’re going to be here, but I am just glad that we are. My daughter, just like my other children, needs to know that I would never choose something over them. They are my pride and joy and a lot of what I do for them is because of this. Our moments, our talks and even the little walks we used to take.
I miss this. I miss my family.
“I miss you every time you’re gone, mom,'' Jasmine confesses as she hugs me tighter.
“I miss you too, baby. So much.”
I have to fix things and make it alright. I just have to.
Chapter 10
Ocean
Soft songs comeon in the background as I drive and drive until I end up at my old home. I sigh because it brings me back to my mother’s home. I haven’t seen her in a couple of years when we had a falling out over her giving my father my number.
Though my mother forgave my father for whatever the hell possessed him to be such a dick when he was drinking , I hadn’t.
He was an okay father, but he was a great drunk. I mean great because he was loyal to it. He craved it more than I crave control.
Sighing, I idly stay in my car for a moment before stepping out to look at my childhood home. Although the Evans still live next door, one thing I was strict about was my kids never going over to my mother’s.
When they were first born, it was fine but after my father violated my ear by letting me hear his voice, I no longer trusted my mother. I should have because she’s the woman who birthed me.
My feet take me to the passenger door, and I lean back as I just admire the home. It was beautiful in that white picket fence way. It could’ve been a loving home for a while, a good long time but dad didn’t allow that. He was always passive aggressive. Hedidn’t need to be violent with me, but he always pushed and pushed.
That day when I almost put my father in a coma, I saw the look on my mother’s face, she thought I was a monster like my father but in the worst possible way. I was using my fists.
It was unhealthy, yes but it was the only way I could express myself.
I did what they wanted me to do from the moment I could walk yet he acted as if I didn’t do enough. Hell, I could discover the garden of Eden and he’d say well did you find the Angel that was protecting it? No? Then you’re not good enough. That’s not good enough for me, son.
The anger that I felt before took a while to dissipate and when I held Jeremy and Jasmine in my arms, I knew that I would never be like him. I couldn’t. It made me question how my father who held me in his arms when I was born could turn out like that. What did that man see and experience in order to shuffle that over to me?
Then when Zoe came, that anger became so manageable that I rarely got upset. My children looked and still look up to me to show them a better example of love. That’s why even when I’m frustrated with their mother, I would never give them any reason to doubt her love for them.
January is a loving woman. One that deserves to continually be chosen and loved. While our dads seem to have similar traits, I know hers loves her deeply. He’s just one of those old heads who swear you have to work, work, work… which is ironic because his daughters always saw him when they were growing up. He took a stand with that, and he drew that line deeply so why couldn’t he understand what his grown daughter now wanted?
I take another breath in and release it as the front door opens and my mother walks out onto the porch. She looks at me witha sad expression, but I see her love. I’ve never doubted that she loved me. She’s too good and that was what made her be so forgiving to my father. She waves me over and I shake my head and she sighs, shutting the door. She wraps her arms around herself as she walks over to me.
“We don’t have to go inside. I know you don’t want to see him but please come sit on the porch. I’ll make you your favorite kind of coffee. He won't come out.”
I pull my mother into a tight, bear hug and she hugs me back. I missed her. So much.
