Page 7 of No Right To Love You
That’s why seeing the disappointed look on his face right now guts me. It hurts.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry implies you know and understand what you did wrong.” Ocean says as he sets the glass down.
He runs his fingers through his hair as he adjusts his jacket. He didn’t even bother taking it off.
“I do.”
“So, what happened? What’s the excuse this time?”
“Excuse?”
“Yes, excuse. Don’t be upset that I’m saying that when all you’ve done is give me excuses.”
“I don’t give you excuses. I’m telling you the reasons why but that doesn’t matter. Today does though, I should have checked the time and paid attention. I didn’t know dad would tell Meredith to screen my calls.”
Ocean shakes his head. Dad and he have always had bad blood. Dad didn’t want me to marry him because he wanted me to marry Bernard, another lawyer. He didn’t like that Oceanseemed much more carefree about life, but he didn’t know him. Dad never gave him a chance and now look at us, 13 years later… we still love each other or rather, I still love him.
I don’t know what’s going through his head anymore. I am to blame partially but I don’t know if I can take the full blame.
“You are not just some hotshot lawyer January. You’re a mother and a wife.”
“So, what, I should stop doing what I love? That doesn’t seem fair at all. When have I asked you to stop doing what you love?”
“Have I ever put it above you?”
“That’s not the same thing.”
“No, January. Answer the Damn question.”
“No, you haven’t.” I huff.
“Have I ever put my job above my kids?”
“Our kids.” I correct him.
Ocean chuckles. “I didn’t say anything wrong. When I say mine, it’s not to demean who you are to them. It’s to say my job doesn’t come above my kids. If I was talking about our jobs, I’d say ours. You’re looking to argue with me as if this is a courtroom. Baby, it isn’t. This is your home.”
“Well, when I come back home and you’re not sleeping in our bed or looking at me at all, it doesn’t feel like it.”
I turn away from looking at him because I feel guilty. My chest hurts from the pain I feel of having to choose. I don’t want to choose, I want my family, my husband, and my job. It shouldn’t be this hard.
“You think I don’t know you cried yourself to sleep last night? You think I don’t know how much pressure you’re under when it comes to your father? I know it and it’s damned frustrating when you think I’m not here for your good. When you’re good, our kids are good. If I wasn’t okay, you’d do everything to make sure I was. Why? Because we function better. We can be more attentive, productive, and here.”
“I just …” I cover my face in my hands trying to hide the tears.
I never used to cry because my father raised Aisha and I to never cry or complain. But with Ocean, he made me feel like I could. He gave me the space to be vulnerable. He saved who I was.
“My job is you. I take care of you, January but right now, you need to figure your shit out before I take matters into my own hands.”
I wipe my tears and look at him.
“What does that mean?”
“It means… we might have to go on a trip. Find ourselves again at Club Desire.”
“We won’t have time.”
