Page 13 of No Right To Love You
“If he does, I’m leaving.” I tell her honestly.
“He’s not like that anymore.”
I shake my head as we walk toward the porch. When will she learn that people don’t just change like that? Especially when it takes them twice as long to notice their faults.
Chapter 11
Ocean
My eyes watchmy mother for any signs of distress, but she seems genuinely happy. She sips her coffee while she waits for me to start up a conversation. My mom and I used to be close. We used to talk but then things shifted as I got older. She was never my focus of being angry or anything but at times, she let me talk or cry it out. She and I had a special type of relationship. She was my rock, and I was hers too.
“How have you been?” mom asks, and I look her over. Her sweet face is still just as sweet, and her black hair is now all gray.
“I’ve been good, mom. How about you? Are you okay?”
“I’m good, my sweet boy. Yes, I'm okay.”
“Is he good to you? Please, don’t lie to me.”
“He is. He’s really changed, Ocean. He’s not like how you remember him. He’s been sober for 5 years now.”
“Are you sure of that?”
“Yes. I've met his sponsor. He says that he helps other people out too. He talks at these programs for the younger kids, please believe me when I say I saw the old him. The one that I fell in love with before… you know.”
I sit quietly because there’s nothing, I could say that would change my mother’s mind. She’s always loved my dad and thatwas her downfall. There wasn’t much that could be done about it, but I trusted her before. Maybe I can trust her again.
“How are the kids and January?” She asks before I get too lost in my thoughts.
I’m glad she stopped it because my mind began drifting back to those days. The ones where he just made me angry. Where he would berate me with not getting first place in my science fair projects although I was only in the third grade. I couldn’t see myself being disappointed in any of my kids. Hell, if Jeremy told me that he no longer wanted to be part of the decathlon, I just couldn’t see myself telling him he had to do it.
Hell, I sat with Jasmine and watched a bunch of YouTube videos about how to do a wash day. January did that for both Jasmine and Zoe because she wanted to have that bonding moment with her girls just as much as she did with her first son.
Both Jasmine and I fought through the tears of figuring it all out.
I couldn't see myself being mean to Zoe when she lost her weird pet frog, Mo. When she cried dearly while we buried him and gave Mo a funeral in the backyard. To be like that is not something I could be and to see my mother say that he was never like that in the first place, is hard for me. I didn’t know that side of him much even though if I stared hard at a picture, I could see the love he had for me.
Alcohol made him the man that I never want to become.
“Sweetheart?” Mom calls for my attention and I look at her. “You alright?”
“Yeah, just thinking about things. That always happens when I’m around here.” I confess.
“When was the last time you came around here?”
“I always drive around to just see how the house is doing and if you’re keeping up with your grass.” I tease her.
My mom smiles and she reminds me of where I got my smile from.
“My grass is fine, Ocean. Remember it’s because of me you love nature so much.”
I playfully scoff.
“Whatever, Nani.” I call her by her first name and she rolls her eyes.
“I love you; Ocean and I miss you. I miss Janny and the kids. I want to see them.”
“Mom…” I warn her. Not because I’m mad or anything but because I don’t know if I could say no to her anymore. I want to tell her that it’s not her, it’s more of me. I don’t trust my father not to hurt my children’s feelings. I don’t want them to grow up ever doubting themselves like I did. I don’t want them to see how angry I used to be.
