Page 19 of Caged Heart
"Bring love to you? What kind of love are you looking for? The kind that the cheesy channels offer?"
" No, I find that that kind of love dwindles once the movie is over. I want something or someone to love me enough to remind me in their special way that they love me, that they wish for me, that I'm someone worth waking up to and realizing that if I'm not there, it drives them insane."
"You don't think anyone will give that to you? You're not special or good enough for that, or do you feel you're too good for it?"
"Good for it, how? It could be the alcohol talking, but that doesn't sound like a compliment.
"It's not meant as a compliment, and it'll never be meant as a compliment. For example, you have a crush on my brother."
"What do I having a crush on your brother have to do with this?" She chortled, trying to understand why that was relevant.
"Everything." The smirk on my face would be permanent if her following answer were what I assumed it would be.
"I don't understand."
"Alright, I'll explain it to you then. You have a crush on Mars and think he's the sweetest person ever, yet you want this all-consuming love?" I reiterated her entire statement about love. "The reason why this doesn't make sense is that Mars isn't capable of giving you what you want. How long have you crushed on him, and if I could pick up on it and everyone else could pick it up, why hasn't he picked it up? Do you think Mars wants you because of you or because I'm his brother, and we slept together?"
"Did you tell your brother that we slept together? Why would you do that?"
"I don't tell my brother a damn thing, and as you can see, we're not friends for me to tell him my business. I can barely tolerate my brother and think about killing him daily."
"I don't understand what he did to you that was so bad that you want him to die?"
"Let's just say he chose everyone else over me, and let's keep it at that."
Carmen doesn't say anything more; instead, she sinks her body further into my hoodie and shuts her eyes, inhaling my scent. It's a momentary distraction, but I'm glad I was at a red light.
"Fall leaves swirling in the wind. The empty world that feels like an empty classroom, but it can't ever be fucking empty because she's there."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm describing the kind of love I'd want and die for," I reminded her. "Don't fucking interrupt me. It's rude, goldilocks." Carmen glared at me but said nothing as I continued driving. "My throat clenches, and hers thicken with sobs because she hasn't been able to be with me for however long. My vision blurs, and my throat tightens as pain grips my chest because I can't fucking give her what she needs. Even when I'm holding her and fucking her, I want more. I need more. I'm fucking selfish with my love for her. It's maddening to me ever to wander or waver when someone tries to fight for her spot. The urge to recoil is so strong with the thought of that sickening shit. My heart pounds, drums, thuds, and damn near fucking stutters at the sight of her fucking beauty. Fear splinters, and my pulse slams in my neck at the thought of someone fucking hurting her, making her cry. I'd make them fucking pay for it because my fury would be ignited crazily, and my anger would roar as rage sweeps over because that's how fucked up I am about my girl. That's the kind of love I'd want and fucking die for. Not some simple shit. Never for some simple shit."
Carmen doesn't utter a single word, but her shallowed breathing indicates I need to clarify what she's feeling right now after my spiel. I watched the way she squirmed in her seat from the corner of my eye, and with every second that turned into minutes getting us closer to the apartment complex, the mounting gloom pressed in around us.
If she kept looking at me or even giving me the indication that this is what she'd be interested in… she wouldn't know what the fuck to do with her life. There's no need to blossom desires.
Chapter12
Carmen
The elevator ride up was silent, and so was getting into his apartment. Neither of us said a thing after Ares explained what kind of love he wanted…
The kind of love he desired and broke down so in-depth made me reconsider if what I asked needed to be more significant. His love seemed all-consuming, and I wondered how one would feel getting to experience that kind of love.
The love that I've had was superficial compared to what he could offer me if I asked him for it, but how would that look? Asking him would have him thinking this is about the sex and that it's clouding my judgment or that it's about getting over his brother since he told me that everyone, including Mars, knew about my crush.
Was I that damned obvious?
Ares walked into his room, leaving me in the open-concept space. I looked around for the first time taking in his taste. He had a black accent wall around the home. It was like a 3-D print, and the lines popped from the wall. It was pretty cool.
Everything else had either ivory or black in it, from the furniture to the utensils and everything in the kitchen.
Taking advantage of the kitchen, I made myself a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen island, staring off into nothingness while my mind kept returning to Ares's words.
"Fear splinters, and my pulse slams in my neck at the thought of someone fucking hurting her, making her cry. I'd make them fucking pay for it because my fury would be ignited crazily, and my anger roars through me as rage sweeps over because that's how fucked up I am about my girl."
How crazy would it be if I told him to give me that? To let me experience it just this once?
