Page 18 of Caged Heart
"Like what?"
"Well, she lost her husband tragically, had to raise her daughter by herself, and was trying to make ends meet. Her sisters were there for her initially, but she lost her way."
"Lost her way?"
"Yes, and then her sisters couldn't take care of her. They had their own family. I don't know what she was expecting from them, but they couldn't give that to her after everything she did to them. I know my father's death took a toll on her, and she was too overwhelmed by grief to understand what she was doing and how she was hurting herself and her future."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Was her husband who died, not your father?"
"Yeah, he was."
"So what about you? You didn't lose him as well?"
"I did."
"Then why are you making excuses for her being a shitty mother?"
"I'm not making any excuses for her; all I'm saying is that she's been through enough."
"And you haven't?"
She doesn't give me an answer as she looks outside with a grimace scrunched up her face.
As I drove back to the apartment building, my mind drifted to my mom. There was no love or joy there, and there wasn't a single moment where I ever felt as though I loved her enough to wish her well.
She wasn't a mother either way, but sometimes I would think about it. What she would be like if she wasn't a fucking abuser.
The faintest touch of gloom caressed my cheek as if it were a lover.
"Have you ever been in love?"
her question distracted me from whatever was about to happen to me. My mind drifted for a moment, and when I heard her voice, somehow, everything became clear again. It was as if the fog had lifted.
"What?"
Carmen sighed and repeated her.
"I asked, have you ever been in love?"
"No, have you?"
"No, but I want to be. I want to try out what everybody else talks about."
"What do you mean what everyone else talks about? Is love the only thing that you need to experience in this world? Are there other things that you want to experience outside of love? Is it that serious?"
"I don't know." she shrugged and sighed again, looking out the window. "why don't you want to be in love? Don't you want to see what it's like to be crazy about somebody or what the movies tell you? Love is like the fleeting moments, the crazy passionate out-of-your-mind feeling, or I don't know, you know me so well, I don't know, okay?"
"Okay? Why are you getting upset with me when you asked the question?"
"I'm not upset, and I'm just… I'm frustrated. Honestly, I don't know. It just feels like life is throwing so much at me, and it would be easier if I had someone to love me so I could at least look forward to that moment, you know? Like that big bear hug that would make me feel good or something else more than this."
"Okay, well, let's say you had that. What would you want it to be like since we're on the subject."
"I want someone who doesn't want love without me, so they bring love to me."
