Page 80 of Hale's Pawn
I nod. “I know.”
“You still want to get out of here?” Karessa asks.
I look at the front door. “Yeah… just for a bit.”
Karessa starts up the car and it just feels wrong. I look in the side view mirror and I can’t leave. “Wait…” She stops the car and I look at her. “I think I should go back in.”
“I think so too,” she says. “Call me when you wake up?”
I nod. I get out of the car and sigh, making my way to the front door. I turn the knob and before I can push, I get pulled in with the knob. Oran is standing there on the other side of the door with nothing but sweats on.
“I can’t leave.”
“Please, don’t leave.”
We both say it at the same time.
“It hurts, Oran. It really hurts.”
Oran pulls me into his arms and shuts the door. “I know, Bug. I know. I’m sorry.”
I wrap my arms around his body. “I’m sorry too. I’m really sorry, Oran.”
Layingon the bed with Oran, I don’t want to let go of him. I feel like if he lets me go, I’ll just float away. I love this man and it hurts me that I hurt him. I don’t want to ever hurt him and I didn’t even know about the baby, but now my mind can’t go anywhere else.
“We can’t ever do what we did today,” Oran says. I let him continue as I tuck my head underneath his chin. “We don’t walk out on each other. I don’t give a fuck what it is. The house is big enough for us to go cool off somewhere here, but we’re not building this family like that.”
I nod. “Okay. I want a good family, Oran, but I’m scared. I’m terrified,” I say.
“Of what?” he says. “Being parents? We’ve got this,” he reassures me.
I say nothing as I stay close to him. There’s nothing more to say. My mind is flooded with so much and I just need to sleep. I shut my eyes, not even thinking about anything else except the fact that I’m going to be a mother now…the one thing that scares me more than anything else in the world.
37
Oran
While the newsof having a baby usually takes some time to get used to, Ainslee has been acting off. It’s been two weeks now and I would’ve thought she would be flaunting her growing belly, but she has refused to.
Ainslee hasn’t so much as stepped a foot outside to get some fresh air. At first, she couldn’t stay home and now she won’t leave. After work, I come home and I find her sitting out on the patio, staring at the beach. “Ains?” I call her name when I stand at the threshold.
She looks up at me. “Hey, you home already?” I see the bags under her eyes, the worry in their reflection. There’s something going on there and if I have to drag her ass to a therapist, I will. I haven’t gotten my wife back. If anything, I think I’ve lost her even more. Ainslee stands and comes over to me. I lean low and she plants a chaste kiss on my lips.
“Are you hungry? I can make you something quick to eat since my day sort of passed me by. Sorry babe.” Ainslee busies herself in the kitchen.
I walk around and grab her wrist. She stops what she’s doing. She turns to face me and I take her in. “Look at me, Ainslee. What is it? Talk to me.”
Ainslee avoids eye contact. “It’s nothing. I’m okay.”
She tugs on her shirt pulling it lower. I take her in, lately all she’s been wearing is loose clothing and this style does not fit my wife at all. I’ve been noticing that I rub her belly but she doesn’t do that. “Look at me, please,” I say harshly, yet quietly.
Ainslee slowly looks up at me. There it is. She can’t hide the worry, the sadness, or the pain she’s suffering from. “I’m looking.”
I shake my head. “No, no you’re not. Talk to me, Ains. Come on, Bug?” I plead with her and the nickname makes her crack.
“I’m scared, Oran. Terrified that I’m going to be a bad mother,” she whispers. “How can I be any better when that woman was all that I had? How do I know her thoughts and the way things worked with her are not embedded in my mind? I don’t want to ever hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt my child.” Tears drop out of her eyes. “I’m so scared, Oran. I want to love this baby but I don’t know if I can. What am I going to do?”
I release a deep breath of relief. I move in closer and cup Ainslee’s cheeks. “Babe, you will be a great mother. You will love our children because, uh, we’re having more than one, but honey, come on, you’re such a great person, how can you not be a great mom? There are so many qualities you possess that I’ve never seen that woman who called herself your mother have. You’re nothing like her. You’re more like your father. Sounds weird to say but he loves you, Ainslee. He chose his child over his wife and believed her without hesitation. Do you know how many parents choose the other over their kids? That man, despite being as emotionless as he is, raised a daughter who loves life; when you smile, your entire face radiates, it glows. You are a selfless woman and I know that our daughter will have a kickass mom to model after. So no, don’t doubt yourself, just don’t, and if ever you do, you come to me and I’ll remind you of how great of a mother you are.”
