Page 52 of Hale's Pawn
I blink and wash my face, not caring about the light makeup I did. I want it off right now anyway. I tie my hair into a ponytail, anything to try to make me feel normal. Why can’t I be normal?What the fuck is wrong with you, Ainslee? Why don’t you get that no matter how much you love people, they’ll always be disappointed in you! You are a disappointment.
I shut my eyes and I rub them. My mother’s words have no place in my life. They don’t belong but somehow they keep me prisoner and won’t let me go. A feeling takes over of wanting to run so far away that no one can ever find me. Next thing I know, I’m walking out of the bathroom and back up to the deck, but I don’t stop where I hear Karessa, Jagger, and Oran laughing about something. Instead, I climb up to the higher deck. I remove my dress and shoes, then untie my hair. I step close to the edge and without thinking about it, I jump into the ocean. Once my body hits the water, I don’t swim. Instead I fight the body’s natural reaction to thinking it’s drowning, but I’m not. I’ve had training. I open my eyes, making sure that I’m not going too deep to where it’ll be harder for me to come back. There’s a level of panic that hits me hard and I begin swimming away, as if running from something, but then I stop. I can’t run away from the people that I love anymore. It’s not fair or right. I turn back and swim closer to the boat. I come up for air and I’m face to face with Oran.
He’s still upset, I can see it in his eyes. My brows crease and that panicked feeling comes back. I turn, ready to bolt. “Why did you jump like that? Do you not care that others give a fuck or something?”
“What?” I ask.
“It’s like there’s a switch that went off. There’s this blank look in your eyes, Ainslee., Oran says.
“It’s nothing,” I say and I shut my eyes.
“This is why I was upset,” Oran says.
“Was?” I ask, opening my eyes again.
He gives me a half a smirk. “Okay, fine, I’m still a little upset.”
“You’re upset that I didn’t tell you about your dad and Jagger?”
“Yes and no,. Oran runs a hand through his wet hair, sweeping it back. “Listen, sometimes you miss the cues and you completely come off as insensitive. Had that been maybe another topic or, fuck, even if we were talking about Elmer himself, I wouldn’t have given a damn, but we were talking about someone close to me. Do I have to really just tell you that I want my wife to give me a hug because my friend was hurt?”
“If you wanted a hug, why didn’t you just say that instead of pacing back and forth?” I ask.
“Because, Ainslee, people naturally just give hugs when bad news is delivered.”
I nod. “I see that now, but you have to understand, I didn’t come from that life. My dad didn’t hug me every time something happened and my mother didn’t know what hugging was unless she was choking me out. I’m sorry that I didn’t see that you needed that. I need time, Oran. To get to know your tells. To see what you look like when you need a hug or when you need space. For now, you have to just tell me. I’m not normal and I know I’ll never be. What you consider insensitive or ask what the fuck is wrong with me, that’s just how I am. It’s how I have always been and I’m trying to not be desensitized to things that concern those around me outside of my dad and brothers. I was raised around violence, Oran. From a young age, my dad taught me one thing, and that was that people, especially those around me, will have brushes of death. The only thing that can be done is to suck it up and be happy that you don’t bury them, but if you do, then no tears. That’s all.”
I think it’s clicking for Oran because there’s this look in his eyes I’ve picked up on. Recognition. “Is that why…with your mom?”
I nod. “Yes, but I will say I’m sorry that it seemed like I dismissed your feelings. I totally understood that you were upset and frustrated. I’m not some kind of monster that doesn’t have some sliver of empathy, but just see that I was raised by a father who gave me guns instead of teddy bears and a mother who taught me that I don’t deserve love. I have had only about ten years of trying to reprogram that and each time she found a way to fuck it up, but she’s gone now,” I say quietly.
Oran moves even closer. “Don’t call yourself a monster. Ever. I’m sorry that I called you insensitive and asked what’s wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not just on you to do better. I’m your husband, so I’m in this too, Ainslee. We just need to communicate better. Transparency goes a long way. A really long way.”
“Yeah, so is this one of the times you want me to hug you?” I ask.
Oran chuckles and rolls his eyes. He pulls me into a hug and I smile. I hug him just as tight. “Can we get out of this damned ocean? I’m over it,” Oran says.
I nod. We swim back and climb over to the empty deck. Jagger and Karessa are most likely below deck. Oran and I go to the upper deck, I sit down on one of the deck chairs and remove my top. I lay down on my stomach and shut my eyes. “Ains…” Oran calls my name and I feel his fingertips on my arms.
“Hmm?”
“Come,” he says softly. I open my eyes and he’s lying right next to me. I wonder if he can tell that although we’re okay, I need time to snap out of it. The pleading in his eyes is what does it for me. I get up from where I’m laying down and I straddle Oran. “Kiss me,” he says.
I lean in and I kiss him. My body melts the deeper the kiss becomes. My hands find his biceps as my nipples harden as they rub over his chest. Oran’s fingertips dig into my hips, then he slips his hand inside of my swim bottom. Oran squeezes my ass cheeks as I rub against him. Oran moves one hand from my ass to my pussy. He plays with my clit and I moan into his mouth. My fingernails dig into Oran’s skin as he dips his hand inside me. Oran pulls away and moves his other hand to my jaw. “Look at me, darling, seriously.”
I open my eyes and look at him. “Oran…” I moan.
Oran sits us up as he moves to my breasts. He sucks a nipple into his mouth and I arch my body towards him some more. I sink my fingers into his hair and forget about everything else but Oran. Oran brings his attention to my other nipple and then his lips travel up and up until he’s sucking on my neck. I moan. Before Oran I had never had so many hickeys. “Open your eyes, Ains.” I shudder because I’m close. I look at him. Oran looks at me for a while. “Nothing is wrong with you. I promise you.” A combination of the soft way he’s saying it and the love in his eyes causes me to break apart. I come undone and I feel the tears as they fall down my face. “Shhh, don’t cry, baby.” Oran wipes my tears with his free hand. He pulls me to him as I wrap my arms around him.
“You give the warmest hugs in the world,” I confess after a beat of silence.
Oran chuckles again as he kisses my temple. “I know, that’s why you should always hug me.”
I hug him tighter and Oran leans back. I properly situate myself on top of him like I usually do in our bed. “I-,” I sigh. This would be the perfect moment to say it. “Oran Hale,” I say his name instead.
“I know, Ainslee Hale.” I fall asleep with my fingers in his hair, a smile on my face and exploding love in my soul.
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