Page 23 of Euphoria
Phoenix scoffs. “Do you know what you make us feel, especially two 18-year-old boys who never got the chance to understand what feelings were? I didn’t even know I could extend it past those I already gave it to. Then you came along. You never chose between the two of us, you didn’t make either of us feel like we had to fight each other over you. You didn’t break our friendship apart, instead you strengthened it. You strengthened us. So strong that Bowie’s heart and mine synced beating at the same time for you and only you.” Phoenix captures our feelings towards Bambi so perfectly.
“He’s right,” I continue. “I understand what he’s saying even if I haven't spoken a word how I feel about you again, yet it seems like you’re the only one out of us three that doesn’t get it. You don’t understand what it is we’re trying to convey. Is that so hard to comprehend?”
Bambi stares at the both of us. “Do you love me? Do you truly still love me like you think you did then? It’s been over 10 years. How can you know that your feelings didn’t change, huh?” She says on the verge of tears. She shuts her eyes.
I growl, running my fingers through my hair. “How can you not break that down and understand that asking me, us, if we still love you is about the stupidest, most disrespectful thing you could ever ask? This isn’t an ordinary love, Bambi. How we love you is hard, it’s special, it’s full of passion...”
“It’s also obsessive,” she adds, opening her eyes. Her breathing pattern has changed, it’s speeding up now.
Phoenix and I must have the same thought because we move closer to her. Like she’s some kind of magnet for us. “Yeah, We’re obsessed with you. For fourteen fucking years, you never looked back at either of us. You didn’t find me, you didn’t contact Bowie or even send us anything, but we still love you. So, how is it so hard for you to answer the fucking question?”
“If I made the mistake of ever finding you,” she looks at me, then she looks at Phoenix. “Or contacting either of you,” she blinks, avoiding us. “I would’ve run back here. I don’t know who either of you are, Phoenix, but the 18- year-old boys that stole my heart will always have it. How can I even answer and say that I don’t love you? I would be lying if I said everything I’ve ever felt is gone. I just don’t know right now. I don’t know. So, don’t ask me something like that. I don’t know how to answer.” She sniffles, trying not to cry. “But you can’t love me like this.” She jingles the cuffs.
Phoenix is the first to break as he storms towards her. He climbs onto the bed and grabs her jaw, making her look at him. “I can and I will. I don’t have a choice but to love you, Bambi. You saw me now, live with that and look at me. See me, not the 18-year-old but the grown ass man who would kill anybody for your love, even you.”
His words make me realize something. “He’s right, you know?” I calmly state. “You saw past my hurt, past my fucking anger. You gave me love outside of my best friend. You loved me in a way that no one else could. It was like learning a whole new language. I could never fall out of love with you.” I shake my head. No wonder why I was so hurt and still am.
“How could you still love me when you haven’t known me for 14 years?”
“Was I stupid to love you or rather were you a fool to fall for us in the first place? Two men who, if they loved, they would love so hard that there wouldn’t be anything to tear them away from that.”
“You’re not making any sense. Answer me now, Bow, Nix, tell me, how can you love someone you don’t know?” She asks again.
“Because…” Phoenix starts. “When we look at you, Bambi, we see you,” he uses the words that she once used on us. I smile at that. The memories of that chips away at my hardened heart. “You’re a reflection of our soul.”
“Phoenix, I can—.” he cuts her off and kisses her deeply. I don’t hesitate this time as I step closer to them and sit on the spot, I know Phoenix left for me. I touch Bambi as Phoenix kisses her hard. She doesn’t get the chance to breathe or express herself as I bunch up the front of her shirt and I pull her to me. I kiss her like I did the very first time. She grabs my hair with her free hand, trying to pry my lips away from her. We struggle for a moment until she sighs, kissing me back just as powerfully as I started. I forget about what’s going on, my anger, the confusion that I saw in her eyes and the fear. I kiss her because this is the last warning, I’ll ever give her. Bambi is ours whether or not the universe likes it. She should’ve never been born if she thought she was going to love anyone else outside of us. I pull away from the kiss groaning, I kiss a trembling Bambi’s jaw and continue down as Phoenix kisses her bruised lips again. She’s getting the hang of it. Her hand is still in my hair as she tugs and I groan. Fuck. This Bambi is a little different, a lot more into pulling, and I love it.
Phoenix’s hand makes his way around her throat as I reposition myself and lean in, finding a spot on her neck to suck on. Phoenix tightens his hold as I sink my teeth into her earlobe. Phoenix must’ve stopped kissing her as Bambi releases a moan and I move my hand up grabbing her jaw making it hurt a little but not too much. I maneuver her head back a little as Phoenix whispers in her ear. “You will learn to love us again, Bambi, because neither one of us will ever let you play with our fucking hearts again.”
Bambi shudders but doesn’t respond. “Did you hear what he just said, little lamb? Clarify that you heard. Say it with your mouth.”
“Yes, Nix, Oh god, yes Bow,” she answers.
Phoenix and I switch. He grabs her jaw and I wrap my hand around her throat but I don’t tighten. Instead I caress the vein there. I rub circles with my thumb. I kiss down her neck and run my teeth back up. “You’re saying yes right now because you’re in the moment but Bambi, my little lamb, I promise you we’re going to make you fall so much harder in love with us than before that you won’t know which direction to go,” I say.
Phoenix continues as I suck on her neck. “Our love will be like a gigantic chess game. You’ll only be able to move when we move. You’ll fucking beg us to move just so you can get another glimpse of us. We’ll have you so drunk on our love, you’ll weep for us when we take your body and show it what it’s been missing for years.” Bambi moans at his words. Our poor little Bam-Bam.
“You don’t know what true power is until yours is dripping from the tip of our fingers and you know what we’re going to do with that? We’ll each take our turn licking your power off as if we’re licking your exquisite juices. Then, we’ll fuck you with the remnants of that power.” Bambi audibly shudders and I chuckle.
“We’ll be your fucking god, Bambi. Not two gods, just one because we are each one half of a whole with you. You need us both to be fucked completely. You’ll worship your god on your knees. Little deer, this isn’t a promise, Bam-Bam, but it is a declaration. We vow to wreck your soul from the inside....” Phoenix stops and kisses her hard.
I complete the statement saying, “out.” I suck on her neck some more. It seems like the marks I tried to leave aren’t appearing just yet but I’ll make sure they’re there now.
