Page 25 of Free-Falling
I narrow my eyes at her. “What the fuck are you getting at, Ainslee?” It better not be what I think she’s talking about.
“Nothing, I’m just saying.”
I stand, my mouth suddenly hurting and a headache coming on strong. I shake my head, rubbing my temple. I can’t keep doing this with people in my life. “You’re really not saying anything though but that look in your eyes. That look tells me everything I need to know.”
She must realize now what she thinks I mean because she stands with me, much more alert suddenly. “You’re telling me if Layla popped up and wanted to have a conversation with you, like a cordial one, you wouldn’t do it?”
“No, I wouldn’t.”
“That’s a fucking lie, Jag. You would, in a heartbeat, you forget I know how much you loved her.”
I step closer in her space and grip her by her jaw tight causing her to wince making sure she sees the raw anger in my eyes. The kind that has me pressing down and gritting my teeth when I shouldn’t. “You know nothing about what I love or don’t love. You think you know me, Ainslee, but if you did then why am I reacting like this? Why am I pissed off?”
“I don’t know, Jagger! I don’t get why you’re even mad about this. Out of everyone you should be the one to understand what a cordial conversation can bring out.” She says.
I scoff. “I know what it brings out whether or not, you admit it. I can see it in your eyes, Ains yet you can’t understand why I’m being like this.”
“Get your hand off my jaw, Jagger.” The look in her eyes is downright angry, but I don’t care.
“Okay, before I let go, answer me this…If I gave you a divorce tomorrow, if I figured out a way to do it all and everyone turns out okay, would you run back to Eli’s arms?”
The excruciating seconds turn into minutes and I nod my head sharply. Her lack of answer tells me everything I need to know. Maybe it was my mistake to think we were getting along and figuring shit out. I mean, maybe it’s always been me that’s the problem. I let her walk back to my room, shutting the door, locking it. I get dressed in record time, needing to be out and getting air. I sit down for a second, thinking about why this bothers me so much. Isn’t this how it should be in the first place? Shouldn’t we have been at odds like this? Maybe the cordial bullshit was all a front and I can’t blame her because I suggested it. I wanted to end the fighting, the arguing, the back and forth just for a little while. When I open the door, Ainslee is standing there.
“I didn’t answer you. That wasn’t an answer.” She says. I say nothing, I just stare at her. Who is she trying to convince, me or herself? “Seriously, Jag, that wasn’t an answer at all. Why are you being like this? What’s wrong, I don’t understand you right now?”
“How is it that one minute you know me and then the next you don’t understand me? You know why I’m being like this. Do you want me to spell it out for you, Ainslee?” I’m trying not to get angry or raise my voice. That’s not me. I don’t raise my voice when I’m angry and if I do, then all hell is about to break loose.
She takes a moment to process, and she blinks back her tears. “It seriously wasn’t an answer, Jag. It wasn’t.”
“Right… Yet, you still haven’t answered me now.” I let out an exasperated sigh. I rub my temple again. This headache is strong. “Listen, it’s fine. It’s hard to expect people to let go of what they feel is the love of their life. I get it, I really do.” I walk past her and I’m pressing the button for the private elevator to open.
“If I figured out how to get us divorced, you’d go back to Layla, Jag. You would.” Ainslee says with such conviction in her eyes, I almost believe it myself.
The elevator opens and I step in. I turn to face her, “no, I wouldn’t go back to her Ainslee because I told you that I could learn to love you. I didn’t lie about that. I’m not a fucking liar, never will be.”
She’s stunned. Her face is full of shock as she moves her legs just as the elevator doors start to close. They open back up and I know she pressed the button. “You’d, you’d pick me over Layla?” She asks.
I tilt my head. “Yes, but that’s not your concern anymore. Ask yourself this, would Eli pick you over Lina right now or over himself?” I press the button for the doors to close.
“Lina?” She asks just as the door obscures my vision of her. “Please, don’t leave, Jag. Not like this.” She’s even prettier when she cries.
* * *
I sigh. I’ve been driving all over the Island for no apparent reason and when I took the ferry off the Island to the other side, the United States. We may be our own country and we thrive extremely well but the best thing our Founder’s Island could ever do is become business and trade partners with the United States. On the ferry, I get out of the car and just think about everything. I’m not really that mad at Ainslee I’m mad at myself. I should’ve been clear with her, should’ve told her what I meant and broken it down when I said I could learn to love her. For me, it meant nobody else is stepping in our relationship and that we would be a real couple. I get back in my car once we’ve reached the States.
I drive around for another hour until I find myself at a place I didn’t think I would ever be again. I’m in front of Layla’s place. I don’t plan on going in or anything, but I find it ironic that I’m even here right now. As I leave, I catch something out of the corner of my eye. I turn to see my father leaving Layla’s condo. I wonder what this is all about. My father barely paid her any mind whenever I first introduced her but now, the man I’ve known all my life stands right at her doorway with a smile on his face. Layla smiles right back at him as she throws her arms around his neck and kisses him. My father wraps his arms around her waist.
I throw my head back and laugh. I laugh without humor and my body vibrates with an anger I haven’t felt in a long time. My father is fucking the girl I thought I loved and now, it all makes sense. Everything is so clear I can’t help but step out of my car. I slip my hands into my pants pockets until I’ve climbed the cement front steps of her brownstone. This motherfucker must have purchased it for her. I clap my hands, getting both their attention. They both turn to me, wide-eyed. I have never seen my father so much as blink an expression my way, but today; I saw him smile like he loved this woman.
I smirk. “You two, you deserve a fucking oscar.”
“Son,” my father says as if this isn’t happening.
“So, this is the bitch, your words not mine, that you paid to keep tabs on your son, huh? The same one who was probably fucking you and me? Oh shit, how disgusting?” I laugh again because this must be my lucky day.
“Jag…” Layla calls out and almost steps to me but my father wraps his arm around her as if to keep her from coming towards me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to find out like this. I really cared about you, I did.”
I look Layla in her bright green eyes; I used to love her, or did I? I don’t know. I sit back on the railing with my arms crossed. “Hmm, right? Care? Love? Trust? Family? Father? None of that shit matters to me anymore, but you know what does? My money,” I look my father in the eye. “Does mom know?”
