Page 57 of Dear, Carson McDermott
“Yes, Jude?” I answered, so proud to hear my little boy call me dad once more.
“I forgive you. I don’ know exactly what happened but I trust you. I knew deep down in my heart you woulda taken me with you when I called you. I have a confession,” he said.
“Yeah?” I said as I began rocking him, not caring about anything but the fact that I could hold him.
“I was runnin’ away to go to California, I was goin’ to the school that you played football in and hopin’ they’d give me your home address or somethin’.”
In the midst of all, I chuckled.
“That’s smart. I love you, Jude. I want you to know that. You don’ really know me so I don’ expect you to say it but I want you to know that. Your mother and I love you and we will never hurt you.”
“Thank you. Thank you for being at that mall and thank you for being my father. I know my mother won’t hurt me. I can see it in her eyes, how hurt she is. She’s been through a lot, hasn’t she?”
“Shit, kid… wait, don’t say that. Don’t even tell your mother you heard me say it in front of you.” I shook my head.
For the second time ever, I heard Jude laugh. My broken soul was being placed back together. The part of me, the void that I felt like would never be filled, was slowly but surely being filled again.
Chapter 19
Katerina
After we changed the sheets on the bed, Carson and I took Jude to another guest room. I laid on the bed with Jude until he fell asleep or so I thought.
“Can I ask you a question?” Jude asked. He faced me.
I smiled at him, my sweet boy. I smoothed his hair that he put up in a ponytail after his bath.
“Yes, ask me whatever you want.”
“Are you,” he hesitated. “Are you okay?”
I nodded,
“now I am. Seeing you, being able to even hold you, is something I never thought I’d get again. You mean the world to me. When I lost you, everything in me was gone. I know I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but without you, me and your father lost ourselves.” I caressed his cheek with my hand, and he leaned into it just like his father did. “I will forever be grateful for you coming back to me, Jude. I don’t think my soul would’ve ever been whole. I tried though. Well, me and your father are trying and now, I know why we had to come back together because we had to be whole for you.”
“Please, don’ cry,” he said to me as he leaned in and pulled me into his arms.
I didn’t even notice that I was crying but when he held me in those arms of his, my heart hurt in such a way that was unexplainable.
“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry for everything. For not finding you in time. I’m so sorry, Jude, please don’t hate me, please.” I begged. Those demons that I thought were gone for good came back full force.Weak. Unworthy mother. You don’t deserve this or redemption. Look what you let happen to your child. Fucking idiot. You don’t get to be a mother to him or anyone else. You should’ve offed yourself while you had the chance. Wait! You still have that chance, go. GO! DO IT NOW! NOW!
“Shhh,” Jude said, soothing me as he rubbed my back. “There, there. I don’ hate ya. How can I ever hate such a pretty mama? I use’ ta pray that my mama was real pretty an’ ya know what, it’s true.” He said.
I chuckled,
“Thank you, Jude,” I said.
“Course,” he replied.
“I’m supposed to be the parent here, not the other way around,” I lightly chuckled.
Jude joined in and my heart, my soul and finally the demons quieted. This time, I didn’t only have my dark angel, but I had my little guardian angel who would protect me from it all. As long as I had them, I didn’t need anything else.
“Can I call you mama?” Jude asked me after a moment of silence.
I nodded,
“I would never refuse for you to call me that. Whenever you’re ready, there’s no rush, Jude.”
