Page 48 of Dear, Carson McDermott
“Me and you short stacks, we’re going to be best friends. Now, let’s go do our thing and I’ll teach you a few ways that you can decapitate Bubba in his sleep. I promise you; he’ll never see it coming.”
Katerina laughed as if what Cross was saying was so funny. I, on the other hand, did not find it funny at all.
“Okay, let’s go,” She said to Cross, she looked back over at Beau who was busy searching for food in the fridge completely ignoring Cross. “It was nice to meet you, Beau.”
He closed the fridge door a bit giving Katerina a smile,
“It was my pleasure to meet you, Lil’ lady,” Beau says to her.
Cross made a weird noise that had me and Beau looking at her,
“is it nice to meet er’? Keep acting like I don’t exist; I’ll just have to hurt your Lil’ girlfriend.”
Beau opened his mouth to say something, but he thought better of it as he shut his mouth, winked at Cross licking his lips then he went back to searching for food.
****
The two odd new friends went towards the basement where I kept all my training equipment. Luckily, the shooting range was out back and that wasn’t the direction they were headed. When they were out of earshot, I sat on the stool near the kitchen island waiting for Beau to vent as he usually did whenever Cross was in his presence.
Beau grunted when he noticed that I was watching his every move.
“What?” He asked as he slammed my fridge. He turned those angry, amber eyes towards me.
I lifted my hands letting him know I was not about to attack him.
“Bear,” I called him by his childhood nickname. “I ain’t your enemy here. Talk to me.”
He sneered as he placed all the contents in his hands on the counter. He placed his hands on the edge of my all-white counter, gripping them as though he wanted to rip everything apart. It was worse than I thought.
“I can’t stay here with ‘er also bein’ here, Bubba,” He said. “She distracts me. She’s gon’ drive me crazy and not in the destructive sense. You know how much I tried to stay away from her’ this past year. When I’m in the same room as er’, I want to fight and fuck er’. You know how much she affects me. Do you know how hard I tried to stay away?”
I nodded even though he wasn’t looking my way,
“I know, so hard that you had to lie that you have a girlfriend. We both know you don’ have one.”
At this, he finally faced me.
“We’re not healthy for each other. We’re way too toxic together. There ain’t nothin’ but arguments, misunderstandings an’ so much. I’m tired of it, Bubba.” He sighed.
My twenty-six-year-old brother looked like he aged a bit.
“Have you ever considered, I don’t know, maybe therapy? You love her, don’t you?” I asked cautiously.
If he said no then I would drop it and never bring it up again. He shut his eyes, squeezing them tight.
“I love her so much; I don’ think it’s normal for me to feel this way about anyone. I know that we aren’t good for each other yet every cell in my body fights to be with ‘er.” He opened his eyes, “Is that how you felt when you saw Kat again? How can you be in er’ presence and not do a thing or touch her?”
I chuckled as I gripped my coffee mug drinking the black liquid wishing it was whiskey. I shook my head after placing it back down on the island,
“I don’ even know how I’m breathin’ right without touchin’ er’,” my accent coming out heavier than before. It always did this when I was around my brother or anyone from Tennessee. “I wrestle, battle with every single part of me including my min’ to comprehend that I can’t jump into this. I can’t let her break me as she did before. Sure, we both were at fault for some dumb fuckin’ shit that we could have solved right away but that’s not what happened with us. Bear, this shit ain’t easy. I want to take her in my arms all the time. I wanna love on er’ but my soul hurts for the way she ripped her part of it from me.”
I sighed. This always happened with Beau and me. We somehow always ended up in a deep conversation about something. He was the only one who could have me pour out my soul so fast, it was an ability he had that I wished I possessed. I continued,
“Maybe, I should take my own advice and take our asses to therapy. I know we fuckin’ need it. I don’ even know if I want it to work but I know that I can’t let her go, no matter what. Bear, I won’t ever love another like I love this girl, it’s never going to happen.” It was my turn to squeeze my eyes shut at the realization that wasn’t internal anymore but spoken out loud.
Beau sighed,
“Bubba,” he called my name out. I opened my eyes, looking at him. “For Jude, for you and for Kat, you should do it. I know that feelin’ of lovin’ someone so much even when ya think it’s bad for ya. Please, don’t let this McDermott curse continue. Be the first of us to break it, fight for your girl, Bubba. Do what I couldn’ do.” With that, Beau left his unprepared food and headed up the stairs. He was overwhelmed.
