Page 46 of Dear, Carson McDermott

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“Baby,” I said once more.

“Just one more time, please.” He asked.

“My big baby, Bubba. You mean everything to me. Promise me that if ever we lose our way, we will try to come back together? Please?”

Carson bit his lip,

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“Is it my turn?” He asked. Both the priest and I nodded. He wiggled his eyebrows, “well, well… here we are darlin’. My Lil’ darlin’, I know I promised you that I would follow my dream first before I asked you to marry me but babe, you know me, I couldn’ do that. I love you. Let me see, what can I even compare it to? Oh yeah, I know! My mee-maws peach cobbler.” He faced his mee-maw and pouted, giving her the biggest puppy dog eyes ever. “I’m sorry Mee-maw, cover your ears, I don’ mean that.”

He looked at me again, he winked.

“You’re my little spitfire, my favorite pastime, and now, my wife. Damn, I love saying that. Honestly, all I’m askin’ you for is that you never give that up. Don’ ever feel like you need to dim that fire in you. I love it and that keeps me going. Letting me know that through whatever, you’ll be strong. If you can’t be strong then I’ll be it for you. Just lean on me, my Lil’ darlin’. Be my munchkin while I will be your bull-headed Bubba but please, don’ ever stop callin’ me Carson. You mean the world to me. Everythin,’ you hear me?” He finished off.

****

I was jolted out of my sleep when the alarm blared loud in my ear. I gasped as I scrambled to get out of my bed. It was hard since I still never figured out how I always managed to get myself tangled in these damn sheets. I hit the floor hard, I grumbled as I got out of them. I opened my eyes looking at the room still filled with the darkness because even the damn sun wasn’t up. I rolled my eyes as I went to the bathroom, freshening up momentarily forgetting about the dream. I thought that my anger was going to calm me down, but it was actually the opposite, I was stillpissed the fuck off.I had one enemy right now, Carson Goddamn Bubba McDermott, that bully.

I marched downstairs wondering where he or rather where Brownie was. I wanted my morning hugs. When I went to the Livingroom, nobody was there and then I went to the kitchen, I stood there staring at Carson’s back. He had gotten a tattoo that I hadn’t had the chance of seeing. It was Jude’s name written in some sort of calligraphy font, drawn-out so beautifully on his upper back. The angel wings expanded going a bit off the shoulders and under his arms. His lower back had Jude’s footprints and right under it saidMy Lil’ Darlin. It made me want to cry because I had the same exact tattoo of Jude’s footprints on my back except mine covered my entire back with the name;Carson Bubba McDermott, I will always love you. It was painful but that was the only kind of pain that I enjoyed.

Carson turned to face me. He eyed me from head to toe. I don’t know when he had time to order me more clothes, but he did because I had a whole closet full of any type of clothing and some I didn’t even need, like the evening gowns. I nodded at his tattoo,

“I love your tattoo, a lot,” I said.

Carson blushed and it made the butterflies that had been dormant in my belly explode like they did the very first time he kissed me. I inhaled and exhaled.Breathe, Kitty, breathe.The fact that I dreamt about our vows and now, here he was doing something I hadn’t expected to see from him ever again made all my anger disappear.

“Thank you,” he answered.

That was followed by silence. We just stood there staring at one another probably both taking in the fact that we had grown so much since we were kids. We were no longer those seniors who went to prom together. We were prom King and Queen, I didn’t even realize that I was running but apparently, Cory submitted my name. When my prom King, my high school sweetheart took me in his arms dancing with me, I lost myself in him. I knew that I would never love anyone else as much as I loved this man and I was right. I hadn’t seen him in seven long years but the moment his eyes locked on mine at our son’s gravesite, that was it. I was, of course, terrified, but another thing was that I was happy to see him again. My heart had begun to beat once more with more of a purpose. He didn’t know this but when I was at my lowest and I hurt myself, I wanted to die but then his face popped up.

My angel, Bubba. The sweet, smiling, blushing when he got a compliment, innocent yet so guarded love of my life saved me even when he wasn’t around. I remembered that night he asked me to stay with him and how much he loved having me in his arms. I missed that and him. I jumped out of that tub, dialed 911 and made sure that I didn’t lose another chance to see this. To see him.

“You’re welcome,” I said after a moment too long. “Before you say anything else, I think you should see this,” I turned around.

I lifted the shirt that I was wearing, I heard the gasp but didn’t turn around yet. I waited a beat letting it sink in for him that I had the footprint tattoo of our Jude. I faced him once more and the emotion in his eyes were so loud if ever that was a thing. We were having one of those moments as they said in the movies. The ones were you and the main character realized that everything that happened; every sacrifice, pain, tragedy, and obstacles were all leading to here, to now.

He tilted his head at me,

“do you remember that night when we were sitting out under the stars? What you promised if ever I got mad at you?”