Page 39 of Dear, Carson McDermott
but I can give you something he always wanted us to get.
Along with naming him his favorite dessert. Certain memories torture me but because you are his mother, you have the right to preserve his memories; this song, this card…Jude’s song, you can have for yourself.
Enjoy Brownie.
Carson
My mind was blank. Everything in me wanted to scream but what for? I didn’t even notice when Frankie left or when I sat on the couch. All I could think of was how Carson was able to heal with Jude being gone. How was he able to not trust me or make me jealous yet put me first? Did I deserve him?
I know that some women would say to me that I should act as if he deserves me but come on, I know when I’ve fucked up much more than the next person. I know when stupidity and the repercussions of my actions are staring me in the face. I was a Di’Maggio and when we were wrong, we owned up to it. My father taught me that and so did my mother. I realized where I made the mistake when Carson threatened me to stay; I obeyed him, I cowered to him and his threats. I let him know that I feared him momentarily, but he hated that. Carson has never liked weak women and I sure as hell am not weak. We both went through a messed-up situation and we can never get our son back no matter what we do but we owe it to Jude. I owe it to Jude to protect the only man I have left in my life that loves me as much as Jude did.
Others would say, oh you have your father and brothers… Of course, I do. I love them dearly, but they won’t ever love me the way Carson and Jude loved me. They won’t smile at me the way they did. I accept now that I will never be able to hear my precious baby boy call me mommy but that didn’t mean I couldn’t preserve his memories.Memories. That word hurt me because Carson said there were certain memories that tortured him, and I knew it had something to do with the song in the card. His words that day, in the shower,don’t fucking hum that lullaby. You have no right.Fuck. We had to fix this. We had to fix us, and I knew what the first step would be, being Carson’s friend. I didn’t simply walk away from my husband, I walked away from my best friend. He not only lost his wife that night, but he also lost his best friend, his companion, someone he could be himself with. I had abandoned him as his mother had done. He loved her and he also loved me but we both hurt him. We both left and never looked back letting him nurse his own broken heart. Shit, that’s so fucked up on so many levels. I shook my head as I held Brownie close to me. I kissed his tiny head and whispered,
“He needed a friend more than anything else in this world and it’s time I act like one.”
****
Cassie coming by a bit later made me happy and got me to forget for a little bit. I sat back, laughing with her as she shared her stories of how she met her husband Jason. He was a real estate agent, a big one from the looks of it.
“It’s nice to see you again Cassie, I mean it and I’m glad you ditched those little fuckboys. You were a hot ass mess in high school.”
I laughed along with her. She still looked relatively the same, if anything, she looked even better.
“Girl, shut the hell up. Listen, we all didn’t get the Bubba McDermott in high school or the perfect love story.”
I chuckled, shaking my head at her.
“Bubba and I have had our shares of issues, it’s life.”
She just stared at me for a moment as if waiting for more, but I didn’t want to talk to her about anything involving Carson and me. I just felt like I didn’t know her anymore to really dish out all my business.
“Well, how about we take a little drive and get some food on me? I haven’t seen you in so long.”
I smiled at her, then glanced at Brownie who was asleep on my lap.
“I don’t want to leave him all alone,” I said but I wasn’t sure if I was talking about Brownie or Carson.
Cassie nodded,
“I understand, and don’t worry, we can just go for a coffee near the Starbs that I saw coming here. Tell me you still love it? It’s your favorite.”
I lightly chuckled.
“I do. Let’s go and this way, Brownie here can get a walk-in or two.”
****
Carson
I have some news.
Those words made me so uncomfortable and when my father told me what he found out, I lost it all. Everything in me wanted to kill. His words replayed in my mind.
“Ittook us so long, Bubba,” my father said to me as he sat across from me.
He had sent me a message to fly out to France from Prague since he had business there. Now, I sat in his private jet as he wore an impeccable suit. My father was not the normal type of enforcer that everyone expected him to be. He looked more like a businessman and that’s what fooled those around him especially his marks. Dad came from old money, yet he never stopped working to make more. I stared into the same amber eyes I inherited from him, neck length dark brown hair that had a hint of salt and pepper. His beard was also the same as his hair but that was all the indication of how old he was. He didn’t look a day over forty which threw a lot of people off when they saw him and I. They wondered if dad had me when he was really young, but I had to explain to them that this man was pushing sixty. I snapped out of it and stared at him,
“What are you implying’?” I questioned.
