Page 25 of Dear, Carson McDermott
Carson
Here I was, visiting Jude’s grave again. I came three times a week. I wanted to keep him company and make sure he knew I still loved him. Even though, we couldn’t physically have him with us anymore. I would never forget about him. It still pained me to not see his little smile or hear the way he called me daddy. Someone left him flowers, I looked around briefly, but I didn’t see anyone. I shrugged not even trying to let my mind wander because I was his only living family here.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t lose myself in thoughts of Jude or even the woman that left me. She told me she loved me and was gone. She discarded me just as my mother did. I tried not to think about her but sometimes, when her twin, my best friend visited, it hurt me because I saw some of her features in him. Just like right now, I glanced at him and he stared down at Jude’s tombstone. His features were trying not to appear sad and I knew it was because of me.
“It’s alrigh’, ya know that right?” I told him.
He glanced my way. His blue eyes trying to mask the sadness. I could see it every time he visited me. The sadness over his twin disappearing further pushing me into a lifestyle that nobody wanted for me, the loss of my son, and how I gave up on going pro. I was surprised that my father didn’t want me to be an enforcer like him. I was okay with it because there was so much anger inside of me and I needed to execute it somehow. I needed to feel something else other than what I’d been dealt with for these past years. As for going pro, I didn’t see the need to do so. Why would I do it? There was no joy in the game, no love for it anymore. So much of me was gone that if I stepped on that field, I would’ve gotten myself injured on purpose.
“You sure you’re doing good, brother?” Tony asked me.
I smiled at him, a genuine one. It took time for me to start doing even this but now, I was able to laugh and smile. I was healing. I knew that but there was always a part of me that would never heal.
“I’m doing the best I can. I miss him more every day. I don’t even know how that’s possible,”
I admitted.
He pulled me in for a hug, we were almost the same height now. He grew a little bit more, even though I didn’t know that was possible. I took the hug knowing that I needed it.
“I’m here for you Bubba. I’ll always be here for you. Anytime man, anytime.” He reassured me.
“I know, Tony, I know.”
“So, what, you’re just going to repeat everything I’m saying?” He teased.
I chuckled,
“Still annoyin’ as fuck, I see.”
Tony laughed along with me but then stopped. He pulled away, looking beyond me. I turned to see what he was looking at. I narrowed my eyes trying to see who it was, but she was quick and had already disappeared. I faced Tony again, the expression on his face gave me pause.
“What is it? Who was that?” I asked.
Tony’s eyes slowly met mine,
“That was Kitty.”
My heart began wildly beating as if someone just resuscitated me.
“What?” I looked back at the space I just saw her in, but no one was there. I swore to myself that if I ever saw her again, I wouldn’t care yet here I was, sprinting in all directions looking for her.
I didn’t know what I would say to her if I saw her. She couldn’t have gone far because I saw where the gate was to leave the cemetery and there’s no way she made it there already. I stopped in my tracks, I screamed like an unhinged lion. Roaring to let his kingdom, his jungle know that it wasn’t safe to mess with his emotions like this.
“Kitty!” I screamed but nothing. I took another deep breath, calling her name out, this time I bellowed out her name as though I was planning on waking the dead, “Katerina!”
I was breathing heavily, and when I turned back to see Tony in the distant near my truck, there Katerina stood. Tears filled her eyes as she watched me as though terrified of my presence, which she should be. My features were set on rage as I walked towards them, Tony saw it and stood in front protecting his twin. The same one who left all of us in distress. I didn’t blame him; I would’ve done the same thing, but I didn’t care. I was fuming. I felt some tendrils of hair escape from my low bun. I saw the shock on her face as I got closer to her, I wasn’t the same Carson she walked out on and she knew it.
Something snapped in me. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was scared as fuck right now. My hands were trembling. Everything in me screamed to kill her for leaving me. For just throwing me away like I was gum under her shoe. She ruined me when all I’ve ever wanted was to do right by her. Instead of stopping, I walked by her and Tony.
“Carson, wait!” Tony spoke up.
I didn’t dare turn around. I didn’t trust myself. That deep seeded anger was coming up and soon I would have to throw it up.
“No!” I roared. “Fuck her, Tony. Fuck her.” I got in my truck, slamming the door hard flinching at how hard that was.
I drove off not looking back at all. I wouldn’t let her back in no matter what. Never again.
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