Page 34 of Dear, Carson McDermott
“Whatever,” I replied. I shut my eyes waiting for this dreaded talk, but it needed to be had.
When we got back, neither of us said a word yet we found ourselves in my living room. I sat in the furthest part of the dark brown leather couch. I shut my eyes wishing that we could go back to a time where I could lay my head on her lap and she’d run her fingers through my hair. I gritted my teeth as thoughts of us two infiltrated my mind, the pain, the sadness and most of all, the happiness. I hated happiness the most because I couldn’t stop that. I couldn’t hide that side of us in my memory. The way that I would smile at her when she told me something funny or the way that I would give her that knowing look when it came to me wanting to explore her body as if it were an all you can eat buffet.
“I left because you wanted me to,” Katerina’s voice infiltrated my mind, but I refused to talk. This time, I would listen before I reacted. I owed it to Jude, “you told me to.”
I opened my eyes,
“What?” I questioned. I heard her loud and clear, but I was hoping she said something else.
“You told me to leave,” she calmly said. Her eyes began watering. “You stood in front of me and told me that you couldn’t do this. You couldn’t bear the pain. It was too much that it ate you up at night and you couldn’t sleep by me.”
I remember those exact words and I meant every word but not in the way that she thought I meant them.
“and you think I fuckin’ meant for you to go?” I inhaled deeply and exhaled. I couldn’t get pissed at her, I needed to understand.
I counted backward from ten until I reached one.
“Yes!” Katerina stood from her position on the floor near the doorway. She walked to stand in front of me, “when someone says they can’t bear the sight of you, that’s what it means. It means they want you to disappear.”
I gritted my teeth, what the fuck was she talking about?
“What the hell are you on about now?” I could hear my voice getting louder. “When have I ever said I couldn’ stand the sight of ya? Huh! That never came out of my mouth.”
Tears slipped passed, betraying her will to control them. She swiped at them angrily.
“Don’t you fucking patronize me, Carson!” She raised her voice.
I don’t know why but I stood, I didn’t like that she was all up in my space, yet I was sitting.
“How am I patronizing you huh? I fuckin’ asked ya what made ya leave and all you could say is I told ya to. When have I ever said those words ta ya? Think Katerina, Think!” I pointed to my head a little too hard.
She glared at me,
“I’m not stupid Carson, I heard you loud and clear. Those words were yours, not mine.”
I growled,
“Fuck this and fuck you Kat!” I spat.
I turned to walk away but she ran faster stopping in front of me. She was angry now, her eyes full of untapped fury.
“Fuck me?” Her eyes widened. “No, fuck you. You fucking country boy. Fuck your country ass and your warped mentality. You don’t get to ask me a motherfucking question and then turn around to walk away from me. How about you be an adult about your shit?”
On a different day, I’d find this amusing but today, she didn’t get that pass.
“Fuck my country ass huh?” I smirked knowing it was none other than the devilish one. The one most of my opponents saw before I took them out.
“Well, this country ass boy was the same one who opened up to you about how he felt towards him losing his son. The same one who watched you divert your line of sight every time he was in the room. No matter where the fuck I went, the moment we made eye contact, you’d look away. You say I told you to leave but I begged you to stay. I sat there pouring my heart out to you about how much it hurt to lose my son. How hard it was to wake up every day knowing I couldn’t hear his Lil’ laughs. I couldn’ take bein’ in that house. Every fuckin’ thing reminded me of Jude. I tol’ you it was hard to sleep by you because of you! You made it hard, you pushed me away. How could I stand the sight of ya when you’d barely look at me and when you did, it was like ya wanted nothin’ to do wit’ me. Fuck!”
Now, I was livid.
She had me trying to fight my tears because the memory of Jude still hurt until this day. Does she know how hard it was for me to even mention his name the first year? I spent all his death anniversaries by myself. His birthdays made me get blackout drunk. I didn’t leave the house, I didn’t communicate with anyone because the memories of him calling me daddy, wanting to learn how to surf like I had when I was with my grandparents, and even playing his little song over and over, caused me to drown myself in alcohol. I couldn’t even see my son’s face one last time when he passed. We had to have a closed casket funeral because…Fuck.I couldn’t think about it. I needed to not go down that route.Please, dear God. Make it stop.
Katerina’s face was filled with confusion. She reached out for me, but I backed up.
“But,” she said in a voice so small, I didn’t know if she spoke at first. “You said, it was too much that it ate you up at night and you couldn’t sleep by me. Anyone would’ve thought you told them to go. I thought you hated me for losing our son. For not being able to protect him.” She swiped at another tear, this time so rough, I wanted to warn her not to mar her beautiful skin.
I shook my head, hurt that she would ever interpret what I said to this. She should’ve talked to me, asked me what I meant.
