Page 28 of Dear, Carson McDermott
Gabby grew furious,
“and why is that? Huh?”
Michel huffed as though he was going to explode, and he did.
“Because you didn’t see the life in her leave when out of anger, Carson and munchkin got into arguments. Though they weren’t major to the normal eye, for these two, it was something. It was what lead to their misunderstandings. I was mad for her, taking her side all the time but then I drew back. It wasn’t my fight nor my relationship, I saw that and begged her to stay. I wanted her to face Carson, but I couldn’t make her do it. She had to do it for herself. I now understand I feel both of their pain, but you fucked up when you didn’t ask her why but rather jumped down her throat. She was severely depressed and needed help!” He shouted the last bit.
“Mick…” I whispered but it was too late.
Mom was the first to break as she walked to me. She eyed me from head to toe. I knew it was because I lost a lot of weight. I lost both the baby weight and the weight that I had from before. I wasn’t thin but I lost a lot of my curves, ass, and breasts.
“Why?” Mom asked me. “Why didn’t you come to me? I’m your mama. I would’ve done anything to help you. I would’ve sat with you or done whatever. Did you think we’d love you any less?”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t look her in the eye.
“I’m so sorry.” I was a machine at this point.
My mother tried to not cry as she tsked. She pulled me in for a hug, one I knew no one but her could give me.
“I shouldn’t have said that to you Kitty,” I heard Gabby say. I looked up from mom’s shoulder.
“No, it’s okay, I deserved it and I’m sorry that I hurt you all and Carson as well. Although, he will never forgive me which I guess I’m okay with. I’m not here to hurt him again. I just wanted to apologize and visit Jude. I wanted him to know that I’m better now and that I promise to stay close to him.”
“Shit,” Gabby said as tears escaped her eyes. She came behind me and hugged me too.
All the boys came in and joined in the hug too.
“Are you better now, munchkin?” Matteo asked me.
“Yeah, now that I’m with you guys, everything is better. I missed you guys way too much.” I confessed. Never revealing how much more I ached for Carson. My heart must’ve been worse than broken because it wanted him when he hasn’t wanted me since we lost our Jude.
****
Carson
I went quiet for two days even though Tony was trying to contact me. I was too shaken up to see him, afraid that Katerina was going to pop up again. Fuck, I was hurt. I had never in my life, felt my chest ache in the way that it did when I saw her again. I refused to linger on what she looked like for fear; I would memorize what she looks like now and replay it in my mind over and over until I dove headfirst into delirium. I would mix all the details about her with the feelings that I thought were buried deep within me yet now, they lurked at the surface of me, ready to spill over. They just wanted to be worn on my sleeves, but I refused that. I didn't need these feelings. I abandoned them just like the owners of said feelings did. They no longer were welcomed here.
I took another sip of my drink; I shouldn’t be out here at the hotel bar downstairs waiting for Tony. She was too close, and my nerves were acting up. I grunted giving Tony five more minutes before I left and as if he knew what I decided, he walked into the bar. He nodded at me before he sat down,
“You were about to leave huh? You impatient fuck,” he teased.
That made me chuckle. I shook my head at him,
“you’re always runnin’ late that’s why.”
Tony shrugged.
“I had to convince my entire family to leave and go back home now. They all act like they don’t have lives.”
My eyebrows shot up,
“everyone’s here?”
Tony nodded.
“Yeah, we actually just paid Jude a visit so you might see an abundance of flowers there. We all love little dude a lot.”
This warmed my heart. I was glad Jude’s family went to see him.
