Page 27 of Dear, Carson McDermott
Chapter 9
Katerina
When Mom finally made it to the hotel, I wasn’t able to rest. I sat on the couch while my dad and my twin tried to get me to talk some more and tell them what happened to me but I wanted everyone there so I could explain it.
The knock on the door caused me to jump. I inhaled knowing mom was never as calm as Dad when it came to my shit. When she came into view, I stood. There she was beautiful as ever, but I could see the worry in her eyes and the sadness. She stood there with a now twenty-four-year-old Gabby and my twenty-two-year-old twin baby brothers. Gabby was the spitting image of mom, she stood at like five feet ten inches now. She looked like a model; she had both the height and the body for it. Matteo and Michel were about the same height as Tony. Their blue eyes were filled with worry, contrasting from their flawless faces. They were a mixture of mom and dad too.
The first person to run towards me was Matteo. I knew who he was because Matteo had a birthmark right under his right eye. He kept his dark brown hair shorter in the back, with the front longer now falling past his right eye. Michel had a similar cut to Matteo’s except his hair only fell to his eyebrows and he had no birthmark.
Matteo scooped me up in his arms and hugged me so tight, I thought my body was going to break. Both him and Michel were clearly playing sports, but I didn’t know which one.
“My munchkin, I missed you. I don’t care about anything else except that God answered my prayers.”
I didn’t dare move before something broke from his bear hug.
“Put her down, Teo,” Michel said as he got closer.
Matteo put me down but not before he placed a kiss on my forehead and for the first time in a long while, I smiled.
Michel took over in his hug and he whispered in my ear. “Don’t worry, tell them everything. I never told them what I did for you but it’s okay to say it now.”
I swear I was tired of crying, but I guess the tears were going to continue on flowing.
“I love you Mick; I’ll never forget what you did for me.”
He hugged me even tighter. “You mean the world to me Kit-Kat. I love you too,” He placed a kiss on my cheek before he let me go.
Mom and Gabby stood their ground. I didn’t know what to say or do.
“I’m sorry I hurt all of you guys. I shouldn’t have left.”
“You’re fucking right about that!” Gabby answered.
“Watch your language,piccolo,”little one. Dad still called her that nickname.
“It’s okay dad, I deserve it.”
“No, no, we don’t do that, and she knows better. If you’re mad at your older sister, you tell her without the damn foul language. Am I understood?” This was the side of Matthew Di’Maggio that none of us ever wanted to see.
Gabby nodded. “Yes papa.” She walked closer with her hands on her hips, “Why did you leave if you were going to come back huh? Do you know how many people you’ve hurt? You’re selfish. Look at our mother, you left her without telling her anything. You know she worries.”
Gabby was right. I looked at our mother as she just stood there. She had been looking at me, but she hadn’t moved from her spot. I didn’t say anything as Gabby continued.
“Have you seen what you did to this family? You’re lucky we’re not hateful or else we’d never talk to you again. Not only that, but you broke Carson!” She yelled the last bit to me.
I knew it was stupid, but I was hoping no one brought him up. It took so much to come back and go to him after I got better but I had to stay away from him. The image of the way he cried over Jude and him holding unto the casket held me prisoner. Not being able to open the casket because we knew our child’s face and the body was unrecognizable. Carson didn’t have to say it, but he looked at me differently after the funeral. I saw the hesitation in his words, his actions and in his eyes. He didn’t outright blame me for losing Jude but in a way, he did. I didn’t leave right after the funeral but those weeks after were excruciating. I tried not to succumb to the dark place that called for me unfortunately, it was a slippery slope and I wasn’t strong enough this time around. Every night when I slept, I’d reach out for Carson, searching for his warmth but he wouldn’t be in the bed instead I’d find him on the couch. I felt like he was repulsed by my touch, yet I understood. How could he look at me and feel okay?
There was one person who saw me every chance he got, and it was Michel. At the time, he was about fifteen years old. He got me out of bed when I no longer wanted to, he stayed with me when he should’ve gone back to Florida. He transferred to California for me and I will forever be grateful because he saw what I tried to hide from the world. It became too much one day, I couldn’t stop crying, no matter what and then it all became unbearable. That night, Carson never came home, nor did he come back the next night, the demons in that dark place knew they won. They rejoiced as I admitted to myself that my husband, the father of my now deceased child, hated me. I refused to face him, so I took the easiest yet most painful route, I left. I told Michel to drive me to the bus station and that I would figure out what to do with my life. He begged me to stay but I couldn’t. He swore to me that he wouldn’t say a word if I kept in contact with him and I did. He gave me his debit card and every month he deposited money.
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“That’s enough!” Michel yelled causing everyone to look his way. He never yelled.
We all faced him, he stood near Tony and dad. His face was full of rage, blue eyes blazing as he stared at Gabby.
“Excuse me?” Gabby asked.
“Excuse you? Do you hear yourself? You came in here scolding your only sister about leaving us, her family and Carson? How dare you! Do you know how she was feeling? Were you there to watch your oldest sister lose herself every day? Or when she cried herself to sleep every night because she blamed herself for the death of her son? You don’t have a right to call her selfish because when she needed us, we weren’t there for her. None of you saw it but I did. She cried for two nights straight when Carson didn’t come back home. She thought he left her because he hated her. They were both young and in pain, they didn’t know what to do. I watched her break. I cried, begged her to come back to us. You don’t get the right to talk to her like that Gabby!”
