Page 24 of Marriage Ever After
“Yeah, sure. You make great grilled cheese.”
Mila stood and came towards me. She gazed up into my eyes as if contemplating something, she needed sleep, but I knew that she wasn’t going to do that. Sleep was critical for someone dealing with the disorder like she was. It helped keep things balanced. I was happy to know that she had gotten everything sorted out with her prescription and she was already taking the meds. Which meant that was why she seemed much less sad and more in the now, more in tune with her feelings.
“Come here.”
I pulled her towards me, giving her what she really wanted. There was a look she always gave me when she wanted a hug from me. I held her to my body as she wrapped her arms around me. I kissed the top of her head realizing how much I missed this. I missed just holding her, being near here and absorbing her heat.
“I love you, bunny. With all my heart, don’t ever forget that.”
She chuckled underneath me as she held on even tighter.
“I never will. I love you too. I’m making you something to eat as well.”
I snickered.
“Okay.”
When I let Mila go, I didn’t have that feeling of I was going to lose her instead I knew that she would be in the next room. I watched her walk away, lingering even after she was gone to another room.
“We need to talk, neph.”
I faced my uncle. I took a deep breath going to sit where Mila was sitting.
“I know, it was dad who held me in there. He came to see me one of those days and so much was put into perspective.”
Graham’s eyes widened.
“He came to see you. What did he say?”
“The bastard had the nerve to tell me that I was a fuck-up on so many levels and I was doing the same shit that he taught me not to do. Which makes no sense, it’s because of him that I am the way I am. I don’t blame him for things that I’ve done myself but shit, don’t come to me telling me all that when you’re making it so much harder for me to live my life. I literally tried to hash things out with him but for him, it’s about his reputation, what people will think about him. Him and the Emerson family that can’t accept my life, my wife or my children, can kiss my ass. I don’t deserve to be alienated because I fell in love with the most beautiful, most compassionate person in this world. She made me a better person and without her, I don’t know where I’d be right now. Yes, I accomplished a lot by myself but she’s my partner. She’s the reason I even wanted to talk to my dad again.”
Graham tilted his head; it was weird to see him in sweats and a tee-shirt. What the fuck was going on with him, before I could ask him, he continued the conversation.
“What do you mean by that?”
I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
“When Mila gave me the most precious gift in the world, Jordy, I was so in love. I thought just maybe that once dad saw her, he could love her too. That he could put aside all the bullshit and reputation nonsense because he had a grandchild from his only son. That he could just be there for once, fuck.” I looked at Graham as he watched me crumble. “I just wanted my father for once to be proud of me getting married, finding a good woman and having a beautiful little girl that looked at me as if I was her superman. It hurts, uncle Graham, that till this day, this fucking bastard can’t see past his ego. What more do I have to do to just…”
I gave up on talking and for the first time in my life, my uncle got up from his chair, he pulled me up and hugged me. I felt like the little boy again whose dad never liked any of his accomplishments whether it was the highest score in the class or winning the science fair. Nothing made him happy. I held on to my uncle for dear life.
“Know this, you don’t need him. You don’t need a selfish bastard like that. Brother or not, he is not your father, he’s just a man that raised you and did poorly at it. You don’t need to seek recognition from him. You raised yourself to be better, you told yourself that this was right, and this was wrong. If you’ve never heard anyone say this to you, well I’m saying it, I am proud of the man you are today. You are a great husband, although you’re not flawless, you love Mila in a way that a husband should. You are an amazing father. Jordy looks at you like you hold the world in your hands and have all the answers. I know that for your future baby, you will be such a wonderful father for him or her too. I love you, Kash. You are my pride and joy. I may not be old enough to be your father but as your uncle, I will always be proud of you. I love you, neph.”
Mila
Going back to therapy the next day put me in a weird mood. I knew that Kash wasn’t bringing up the issue of the abortion clinic or what happened with Manny and then his dad. I wanted to engage him in a conversation about it, but I never felt that it was the right timing to do so. After I made him and Graham grilled cheese sandwiches, Jordan had come back with Cherise and she spent the whole day with her daddy. Before the meds, it used to pain me to see Jordan gravitating towards her father more and I was afraid that this new baby would do the same as they got older. I felt like I would have no one and would be alone but with speaking to Dr. Harrison about these fears then taking the meds, it felt like I was sane again. It felt like I could think for myself without feeling like my emotions were going to go everywhere but where I wanted them to go.
I was thankful that this was a decision not just made for my well-being but for my family’s sake. Words that Dr. Harrison told me stuck with me. This disorder is not just you going through it, your family is going through it with you whether you notice it or not.
I looked down at Kash’s right hand in both of mine resting on my lap while he drove with his left. The silence wasn’t deafening like before but this time, it was peaceful. As if some sort of tranquility had settled over me, over the turmoil going on within me. When I first felt discouraged saying that I wouldn’t beat this disorder, I felt hopeless and lonely but now, I know that I may never beat this, but I can overcome feeling helpless. I can face day to day things with my family and not by myself. I squeezed Kash’s hand, pulling it up to my lips and kissing it. Something about the clarity of seeing my husband again put him in the priority that he never should’ve been knocked down from.
Kash faced me when he stopped at a red light, he smiled at me causing my breath to hitch.
“You know what you just reminded me of?” I smiled at him.
He wiggled his brows.
“What?”
