Page 99 of A Convenient Secret
“Yeah, praising him for his skills always works magic,” Celeste says. “Or voicing what you want. Don’t be shy.”
“Your dick fills me so well,” Saar whisper-moans.
“I can’t wait for you to fill me,” Cora whispers seductively. “Fuck me with your fingers and your cock.”
“Or speak French to him.” Celeste shrugs, smirking.
I look around, shocked by my friends’ openness, but also inspired by it. When did I start believing sex was taboo, or something embarrassing?
Obviously it’s not a formal party topic, but that doesn’t mean I need to be shy about my needs. Especially with my friends. Or a partner I trust.
Sometimes, I wish my mother hadn’t left when Iwas a teenager. Or that I had a sister. But it’s not like I’m with my family anymore. My family is here and now. And talking to them just made me feel more grounded in my own desires.
Maybe I can become a badass.
“Yuck, that’s too specific to your bedroom, and for fuck’s sake, I don’t want to know you’re having sex with my brother.” Saar shivers.
“You know your niece was conceived—” Celeste starts.
“Stop it.” Saar covers her ears. “Back to you, Lils; don’t let any man make you feel like you have to do anything.”
“But also, always speak up when you want or don’t want something. Even when they are more experienced and dominant in the bedroom, you’re in charge. It’s your body.” Celeste takes the whimpering Amelie from the stroller, and the baby settles immediately.
“I don’t know why I feel so mortified to speak up.” I look out of the window, replaying our weekend in my mind. With Declan, I feel safe, cherished, and feral with need, so why can’t I cross this one line?
“Probably because you want to do it for him,” Celeste says.
I frown. “But it is for him.”
“But it needs to be for you as well. You need toenjoy it; otherwise you’re just faking it,” Celeste explains.
“And let’s hope you don’t have to fake it with your new, more experienced lover.” Cora wiggles her eyebrows.
“Where did you meet him?” Saar asks.
Oh, shit. “At Zach’s soccer practice,” I lie.
“You need to take me with you next time, so I can get myself a daddy.” Cora snickers.
I chuckle, but my nerves twist it into a choking sound. I hate that I’m lying to my friends.
Can I share with my friends? The secrets seem to pile up in my life.
The conversation, though, made me feel strangely empowered. I’ve had very few choices in my life, and I’ve enjoyed my autonomy in the last few months. But let’s face it, being in hiding, and with limited funds, it’s not like I could have truly spread my wings.
Could I possibly find freedom for the first time in my life through my relationship with Declan? Will he push me in real life the same way he seems to challenge me in the bedroom?
Discovering and accepting what I need—what I want—is such an uncharted territory for someone whose life has been planned for them. Can I lean into that?
A smile plays on my face as I realize that, for thefirst time in I don’t know how long, I feel energized by something. By someone—Declan—of course, but also by the idea of growing into myself.
If only I could be the person I’ve become, and ignore who I am.
Chapter 20
Lily
“You need to be really gentle, Zoya,” Saar says, lifting a smelly litter box to take it outside.
