Page 155 of A Convenient Secret
“To own me.” I shrug and tell them my whole life story. From my choiceless childhood, my brother’s death, my mother’s absence, my parents’ marriage of manipulation, my father’s conditional attention, my engagement, my scars, the relationship with Declan.
It’s cathartic just to retell it all. Through some parts I’m strangely detached, like they didn’t happen to me.Some parts I see differently than I used to. And through some parts, particularly the last few months with Declan, I ugly-cry, my heart breaking all over again.
At one point, the flight attendant enters and brings us breakfast, but leaves too quickly, probably horrified by my red face, swollen eyes, and runny nose.
My friends listen in silence, keeping a safe space for me to recount the details I kept to myself for so long. It’s agonizing and cathartic at the same time.
“He was the voice?” Saar asks when I’m too exhausted to speak.
“It sounds like he was into you as well. Why else would he trick you into marriage?” Cora takes a bite of her toast.
“That’s the point, though; he wanted me so he tricked me?” I force a sip of tea down my throat, the warm liquid soothing.
“I think you both were too emotional and exhausted for that conversation, though,” Saar says.
She may be right. “Yeah, it’s like all our traumas, fears, and habits collided under the pressure.”
“Can you forgive him, though?” Cora asks.
“I think I can forgive him, but how am I to trust him? And that’s not the only problem. We built a relationship on lies and secrets, and under pressure, wedidn’t stick together; we weren’t able to bridge the gap.”
“Or it’s just a timing issue. If you didn’t have to leave, you may have worked it out.” Saar shrugs. “Relationships are hard, and yours is pretty new. Even if we forget about the secrets, you came into it craving autonomy, and he needs control. You had no room to find the compromise.”
“So we were doomed from the beginning?” My lip quivers again.
“What I’m saying is that we need to dope you with painkillers and let you sleep first. Second, you need to assess the situation at home with your father. And then, after a day or two, if you feel like it, you call Declan.” She smiles at me.
“But what if all the problems that bubbled up right now are really what will always break us apart? Something we will never overcome. Sometimes, love is not enough.”
“Lils,” Cora says. “You won’t know until you give it a chance.”
“Yes, if there were no children involved. We should have tested our chances before involving everyone else. I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to them one more time. And they can’t have another person abandoning them.”
Silence descends, only interrupted by themonotonous humming of the plane. How did we get into this impossible situation?
But perhaps Saar is right; after a good sleep, I may see things differently.
I look at my friends and take each of their hands in mine, squeezing tight.
Eighteen months ago, I came to New York, scared and running, but also to find my independence. I found way more than that.
Today, I’m leaving to revisit my past life. Heartbroken, but with friends for life. Maybe I can survive this.
Chapter 31
Declan
“Liliana Spinelli became the interim CEO of Spinelli Holdings today.” I raise my glass of vodka, talking to my empty home office.
I hate vodka, but whiskey doesn’t taste good anymore. Not if I don’t share it with Seagull.
Seven days, four hours, and—I check my watch—twenty-two minutes of misery.
I didn’t stop her.
She didn’t stay.
I declared my love. I married her because I wanted her, and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. Just like with Kendra.
