Page 56 of A Convenient Secret
I slurp my drink, watching the pedestrians trudging about in the heat of Manhattan. It may be thecool coffee, or his date, or just the insanity of it all, but as I calm down, I recognize he has a point.
His kids come first, and the two of us, even for a casual fling—and I’m not sure I’m that kind of a girl—is not a good idea.
The nanny code and all. I don’t want to lose this job. I don’t want things between us to get awkward. I laugh at that. They couldn’t be more awkward, even if we tried.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, it dawns on me how selfish I’ve been. I should have never accepted the job. What if my past comes calling after all? I’ll just be another person to abandon those kids. Jesus.
The thought makes me more miserable than Declan’s stupid date. What was I thinking?
Spending time at the house with Zoya and Zach has felt like home. I let my guard down.
I push the donut away, deflated. I planned to search for an apartment during my free time today, but my mind is misfiring in all different directions, so I decide to visit Celeste.
I send her a quick message, and she begs me to come.
The penthouse is eerily silent when I step out of the elevator into Celeste’s vast living room, which looks over Central Park only half a block from Declan’s vantage point.
My friend lounges on the sofa and puts her finger to her lips, her eyes pleading desperately to stay silent.
As I approach her with caution, I realize a bassinet is beside her, Amelie sleeping peacefully.
Gingerly, I slide down to sit on the floor close to Celeste, with the best view of the sleeping infant.
“How are you?” I mouth.
“Exhausted.” Celeste yawns.
“Can I help with something?”
“Just don’t wake her up.”
I smile and pat Celeste’s knee. “Close your eyes. I’ll watch her.”
“Thank you,” she whispers, her eyes already closed.
I scoot closer and put my hand on Amelie’s chest. Drawing from her innocent calm, I instantly feel better about everything.
Funnily enough, I never had time to consider if and when I wanted to be a mother; and now, in a span of several weeks, I’ve grown to discover how much joy and love I’ve found around children.
Will I ever be able to settle down and have my own family? When I arrived in New York, I was sure that anything that normal probably wasn’t in the cards anytime soon.
Not in my situation.
To cope, I decided to stop thinking about thefuture. To stay in the present. It may take years before I can go back to my former life, so what’s the point? I just need to bide my time before I can return to my roots.
But if it takes years? Am I strong enough to put my life on hold? Am I ready to just wait and live like a hermit?
I pushed those thoughts so deep inside. Why are they resurfacing now?Because you realized you’re the next person to abandon those kids.
Celeste stirs. “Are you crying?”
I reach for my cheek and wipe a tear. “It’s from joy,” I lie. “She’s beautiful.”
“How are you?” Celeste slouches a bit, and we huddle around the bassinet. “I need some adult conversation.”
I sigh. “Where to begin…” I purse my lips. “Cora’s sofa is killing my back. And don’t tell her, but her cats are super mean.”
Celeste lets out a muffled giggle. “They are, aren’t they?”
