Page 166 of A Convenient Secret
“Maybe I wanted to own you. But only because you owned me first. Completely, painfully, unconditionally. Without you even knowing it, you owned me. I’m not going to apologize for that. But I’m sorry for keeping things from you. I’m sorry for not believing we might have a chance. For thinking my only chance with you was so brief, I needed to trick you into it.”
My chest constricts, burn searing my throat and itching my eyes. He didn’t think he had a chance with me? As far as apologies go, this one is the worst, but in some twisted way, the best I could have imagined.
“I kept things from you too.” I don’t say it to absolve him, but to put our relationship into perspective. We didn’t communicate well.
“To protect me and my kids. Don’t try to share the blame. The blame is on me. Only on me.”
He lifts his chin, challenging me. Even his admission of guilt carries an air of confidence. Why do I find it so attractive?
“Declan.” I sigh, not even sure whether I want to unwrap all my reservations.
He eats the distance between us and takes my hand. I need to snatch it away to protect myself, because his touch has never resulted in sensible behavior or logical choices for me.
He tugs me gently, so I’m forced to step closer. As soon as I’m in front of him, he squeezes my hand, but doesn’t invade my personal space. On some level, it’s almost worse.
I withdraw my hand from his and hug my arms.
He hangs his head, the pain we share palpable in the air. We share it without talking about it. We feel it without naming it. What we don’t know is how to get out of this limbo. Well, I don’t.
“I want to put an oversized photo of you on my wall,” he says.
I frown. “What?”
He shakes his head. “I’m not expressing myself properly, but I’m on Rachel’s side.”
Okay, maybe his cologne wiped my brain, because I really don’t follow. “Who is Rachel?”
He shifts from one foot to the other, frustration clenching his fists. “That episode ofFriendswhere they argue whether Ross cheated. There is no such thing as a break when you love someone the way I love you. I can’t possibly imagine being with any other woman.
“You might be on the other side of the world, not talking to me, but that changes nothing. There is no break from you, Seagull. You’re it for me. Whatever you decide, I will only ever love you.”
God, how I wish these were the words he would have said before I left. “I wish you wouldn’t have said that.” My voice trembles.
He flinches, his face falling and rearranging itself into a stony expression. “Oh, I see.” His voice is still the voice I adore, but the tone is like a cold shower.
“Do you? Because I don’t see how this could work. I never knew being in love hurts so much. I’ve been miserable without you. Without Zoya and Zach. But my father needs me here, and I don’t see how this couldwork. So I appreciate that you came to finish our last conversation, but let’s not torture each other any longer, Declan.”
“You want to stay here?” he asks curtly.
I sigh. “I’m hurt by your actions, but I believe you. I believe you did it because you wanted to be with me. It’s the most fucked-up way to start a relationship, but I believe you did it because you saw something in me that pulled you in.
“You say I owned you before we married. Well, until I moved into your house, I didn’t even know you knew I existed—”
“You must know by now that’s not true.” He takes a step closer, but thinks better of it.
His touch would be devastating.
“We can’t continue where we left off, Declan. But I’m not sure if I know how to redefine the dynamics between us. I come from a family where I only witnessed that when you want something you take it, no matter what, and not in an ambitious, healthy way, but in a domineering, rotten way.”
I glimpse the photo of me, my dad, and my brother on the shelf behind Declan. “I know firsthand that love can make you overlook a lot of that. Forgive, accept, make excuses. I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want my children to live in such a toxic environment and grow up believing that’s the only way.”
“What are you saying, Lily?”
“For the past two weeks, I pictured you showing up and hugging me. And then everything would be better. Only I realized that I don’t want to be that girl who is silently waiting for your touch and attention. I want to be the woman who deserves it. But I also want to be the woman who makes her own choices.”
He stares at me, and I wish I could see what’s happening behind his stormy expression. I wish things were different. I wish I could know I’m making the right choice.
I wish I could know if one can function with their heart shattered.
