Page 43 of Velvet Sin
I was in time to find Dante in his boxer briefs at the kitchen counter, scrubbing a hand over his mussed-up hair while waiting for his fancy espresso machine to brew.He was a sight for sore eyes.“You’re back earlier than I thought you’d be,” he observed, yawning wide.
Finally, he noticed the tears now leaking from the corners of my eyes.I dropped my purse on the counter and walked into his open arms, resting my cheek against his chest.“What happened?”he asked, stroking my hair.“Did somebody have bad news?”
His innocent question tore a sob from me.“Yeah.I did.”
“What’s that mean?”
“They all sat there judging me.They know.He told them.”Now, I couldn’t stop the flood of emotion from pouring out.“The way they looked at me!Like I was sick.Telling me they’re worried about me.He even told them what you do!”I wailed.By now, his bare chest was slick with my tears.I pulled back, wiping a hand across his skin, flustered.
He didn't seem to care about that.It didn’t even seem like he noticed.I looked up at him to find him staring at me like we had never met.Like he was looking at a confusing stranger.“All right.So they know what I do, and they know about us.What about it?”
He had to be kidding.“Are you serious?You knew I didn’t want this!”I almost wailed.“For everybody to know.And now they’re going to tell everybody.I swear to God, I’ll never be able to show my face again by the time they’re finished.”
“Show your face where?”Was this happening?Was he backing away, folding his arms, looking me up and down?“Make it make sense.You said you wanted to live here with me.You work at one of my clubs.You know what I do for a living.Now, I could see you wanting to quit, go back to school, or find a job you could turn into a career.Fine.But not because you’re ashamed,” he concluded.
“No, wait a second.You don’t understand?—”
“I understand better than you think.You’re ashamed,” he decided.“You can’t pretend this is about security anymore because you know damn well I could take care of both of us for twenty lifetimes.It’s not about that.It’s about me being enough to have a little fun with, but only if nobody else knows.Right?It’s fun when it’s a secret.”
It was like trying to hold water in my cupped hands.No matter how I tried, I couldn’t keep it from leaking out.It was hopeless.“No, you’re misunderstanding everything!”
“Let’s get it out in the open.”With his palms on the counter, he looked at me squarely.“Do you want to live with me, or is this all about getting out of that shithole your ex left you in?”
He didn’t lay a hand on me, but I would’ve sworn his question was a gut punch.I wanted to double over from the force but settled for folding my arms over my stomach.“How can you ask me that?”I whispered while fresh tears stung behind my eyes.
“I’m asking because I want the answer.I mean, you’re ashamed of me, right?”he prompted with fake cheer, plastering a smile on his face.“Of who I am and what I do.So why the hell would you want to live here with me unless it’s all a way to make yourself comfortable?”
“I never said that!”
“You didn’t have to.”His bitter laughter rang out, echoing around me.For some twisted reason, he went back to making his latte, scoffing and chuckling while I struggled and failed to contain the fresh pain he was putting me through.“All your talk about wanting the truth, wanting to be honest.Have you ever been honest with yourself a day in your life?Do you even know who you are and what you want?”
It was his snide tone that did it.The smug superiority.It hardened my pain and dismay into something wickedly sharp.“Oh, I’m the one who can’t face things?”I asked.“I’m the one who’s ashamed?This… coming from the grown man who’s afraid to tell his mommy where his money comes from?You’re going to accuse me?”
His dark eyes went nearly black before his brows pinched.“That is not the same thing.”
“It absolutely fucking is.”I snarled.“Don’t get all high and mighty with me.I am so sorry.I haven’t had enough time to adjust to this… lifestyle, I guess.I’m sorry if the people I spend time with aren’t as familiar with it as your friends.”
“The people you spend time with?”He laughed loudest at that, which made my blood boil.“Lenny, that is maybe the second or third time you’ve seen any of them in the past couple of months, at least that you’ve told me about.”
He was right, not that it meant anything.“So what?”I asked for lack of a defense.
“Are they really a part of your life anymore, or are you afraid to let go of them?Because you have.You just haven’t figured it out yet.You still care more about their petty opinions than about what you really want,” he concluded, scornful and cold and so much like Cameron I wanted to scream.“When are you going to get the balls to admit what you really want?”
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t think.
He was wrong, wrong about all of it.He didn’t know them.He didn’t know how things really were.
“Well?”he demanded, glaring at me from the other side of the counter.“What do you want?Because for some of us, this isn’t a fun diversion.This is life.And eventually, the novelty will wear off, and then what?What excuse will you use when it’s time to walk away?”
I clung to that, turning it around on him.“You’re the one who knows all about excuses,” I hissed.His eyes narrowed slightly, and his nostrils flared, but that was his only reaction.
And for some reason, it hurt worse than any words could have.The indifference it must have taken to be so cold.“You know what?”I decided, shaking.“You’re right.I’m obviously not cut out for any of this.I guess it’s a good thing this happened.”
“I guess it is,” he murmured.I might as well have been talking to a rock.He wouldn’t react.I wanted to scream, to stomp my feet like a kid, to hurl insults at him so long as it meant he would react.
It wasn’t going to happen.We weren’t going to happen.Better to find out now than later.
