Page 41 of Velvet Sin
“I never told you about my happy home life, did I?”
Her head snapped back like I had surprised her.“I know your mother is super religious, of course.You’ve talked about that.”
“Right, because that’s all I wanted you to know.I was ashamed.Here I am…” I pointed out, snickering, “… running a club where people can put shame away, telling myself I’m providing a service, and I guess that’s because I know what shame is… like being ashamed that your hopeless gambling addict of a father left you and your mom when you were ten years old.Before then, he had bounced around from job to job.I found out later it was because he kept stealing to feed his habit.”
“Oh, no.”Lenny sighed.I loved and hated her for the way her face fell.There was the pity I never wanted to see, right on schedule.
No way could I stand it.Staring down at the futon’s flowered cover instead, I continued, “That was when Mom really sank into spirituality.When she had to work like a dog to make ends meet once she found out Dad gambled away the house.That kind of shame lives inside you.You’re sure everybody else knows.Like they can see it on you or smell it on you.Being poor like that.”
“That was why you transferred schools,” she whispered, like a big mystery had finally been solved.“And we met.”
I nodded.“My aunt had a friend with a few houses available to rent.He gave us a place to live for way less than what he could have charged when Mom offered to clean all his other properties.That was on top of her full-time job at the bank.I still don’t know how she did it all.I only know it was never quite enough.But she wanted us to live in a nice area so I could go to a better school.”
“I’m not trying to make excuses.”I needed her to know that, or else this would all have been for nothing.Poking around in old wounds that should’ve been scar tissue a long time ago.“I’m only trying to explain.When you were so hyped about our futures and what we were going to do after college, I blanked.I didn’t know what I wanted to do.I only knew it would never be enough.You came from a good family.You were raised well, you were comfortable, you had… expectations.Whenever you talked about what you wanted to do someday, you always said it had to be something steady and reliable.Do you remember that?”
Her cheeks went flush before she turned away from me, touching her forehead to her folded arms.“Oh, Dante.Why couldn’t you have told me all of that?You think I had it so good?”
“What does that mean?”
“Do you want to know why I’ve always been obsessed with making the right choice, the smart move, the steady job?”she asked, and I grunted.“Do you remember the summer before senior year when I changed my mind about where I wanted to go to college?”
I remembered how relieved I was that she gave up on the idea of going to Harvard or Penn, thousands of miles away.“Yeah, it happened out of nowhere.”
“It wasn’t out of nowhere.Dad’s business partner took everything.”She sniffled, shaking her head, then continued in a thick voice, “I meaneverything.The guy had power of attorney over the whole business.”
“No fucking way.”The idea left my balls feeling sore like they’d been kicked hard.Talk about worst nightmares.
“You have no idea how many times my folks warned me to never, ever tell anybody what happened,” she confessed.“It would’ve killed my father if anyone knew he trusted the wrong person.So I had to come up with a reason why I was choosing a school I knew I could get into and get scholarship money for since there was no way we could afford Harvard at that point.”
Her short, bitter laugh made my chest ache.“Not that it mattered where I went in the end, right?I never used my degree, never went for my MBA like I always wanted.”
“Things change,” I offered, and there was relief in the brief smile she shone on me.Gratitude, maybe.
“Dad walked around like a zombie when he wasn’t openly blaming himself,” she continued.“I couldn’t even mention we were out of milk without him getting emotional and apologizing because he couldn’t provide everything I needed.So I was afraid to say anything.I didn’t want to set him off, didn’t want to set Mom off.”
“Was that why they downsized after you graduated?”I asked, and she nodded in response.“Sure, who needs all that square footage when the nest is empty?”She rolled her eyes, snickering softly.“I mean, people wouldn’t even ask why they moved, and that excuse would come out.It was so obvious they were both fighting to hide the truth.”
Tears shone in her eyes when she finally looked at me.“So if I wanted something steady, that was why.Not because I wanted to be rich and live this lavish life.I just wanted to be safe.I thought you would want to be safe too.I wasn’t trying to pressure you into being who I wanted you to be, really.”
Dammit all.She was right.I should’ve told her everything a long time ago instead of letting shame rule my decisions.Reaching out, I stroked her hair, fumbling for the right words.“I am sorry,” I told her, and I felt her relax under my hand as it stroked her neck.“I didn’t know how to say it back then, but I have felt it every single day.Knowing I fucked up by hurting you, knowing every day that passed would make it that much more impossible to make things right.And then you got married.I told myself you were better off without me.”
When she arched an eyebrow, I gave in.“And that you finally got what you wanted.Satisfied?I was petty and childish.”
“Thank you.”She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, releasing it through pursed lips.“And thank you for telling me everything.I just want the truth.No more lying, no more hiding for either of us.I’m tired of it,” she decided, her eyes popping open and searching mine for agreement.“Right?We tell each other the truth.We don’t leave things unsaid.”
“Agreed.”I would have agreed to anything so long as it made her happy.So long as she smiled so sweetly as I leaned in for a kiss that turned into more, stretching us out across the futon.I didn’t feel so uncomfortable anymore.I only felt her under me and her hands tracing a familiar path over my body.
We could’ve had this from the beginning.We could’ve been together always.No Cameron, no years of me trying to fill the hole left behind.
Rolling on a condom, I turned over again and found my place between her parted thighs.She was warm, wet.Home.She was where I would want to be, always.Like this, locked together, so I could hear her sweet sighs and feel the gentle sting of her nails as they danced their way up my back and down again.Her soft moans when I drove myself deep, savoring every inch.I wanted nothing more than this.
“Move in with me.”It came out before the thought had fully materialized, hanging between us in the air.I went still, buried inside her, while she blinked rapidly.Was I asking too much?Was it too soon?
No, as it turned out.Her radiant smile lit up every last inch of what had been dark and cold inside me for too long.“Of course I will.”
18
ELEANOR
