Page 102 of Fear of Love
They stayed silent as I opened up and told them everything from the beginning. Who Jared really was and what exactly happened six years ago, the first night Landon and I slept together, how he was the one who took me to the hospital and stayed by my side for forty-eight hours, and finally, the conversation Landon and I had two nights ago.
“Lydia.” The tone from Josie was enough to tell me I royally fucked up and not just with Landon. “Why didn’t you tell any of us this?”
My left hand played with the edge of the cast, eyes downcast.
“I don’t know. I guess I just never wanted to think about it.” Now that I told them about my past, I didn’t know why I keptit a secret. Just getting it off my chest made me feel lighter. I held everything in for so long that I forgot what it was like not to struggle alone.
“If I had known, I wouldn’t have forced you to do all these things for the wedding,” Josie started to say, but I quickly shook my head.
“No, don’t. It’s my fault for not saying anything sooner. You can’t read my mind.” I reached out and squeezed her hand. “Helping with the wedding was never a problem.” It might have brought up unwanted memories, but I’d never not help my best friend marry the love of her life, regardless of my past.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner,” I apologized.
“Don’t be. We all have our own baggage. You should never feel like you have to share if you don’t want to,” Tasha said, her inner counselor coming out. “But the real question is why didn’t you tell Landon?”
“I don’t know.” I wish I had an actual reason for why I didn’t.
“Can I say something from an outside perspective?” Mila asked. At my nod, she moved to fully face me on the couch.
“I think you are so scared of everyone leaving that you push them away before they can. You’ve always had walls up, and as soon as someone gets close to them, you back away. It’s not a bad thing,” she quickly added, “but sometimes you need to trust that the person you’re with isn’t going to leave. You need to trust that we,” Mila gestured to Josie and Tasha, “aren’t going to leave. We’re here for the long haul.”
“Your three-month free trial ended years ago,” Tasha joked.
“And same goes for Landon.” Josie took over. “He might be an asshole at times, but he isn’t the type to bail. Hell, look at what he’s done for his family. He could have easily left when he went to uni, but he stayed around to take care of Evelyn, Wyatt, and Mateo. He worked a shitty job just so Wyatt could live his dream.”
I knew what she was saying was true, but that stupid voice in my head kept saying,‘no, he’s going to leave you like everyone else.’Years of being alone, of being left by anyone I got close to, made my walls sky high. Made it so I didn’t trust people easily. I knew it wasn’t healthy but having something so engrained in me it was hard to stop being that way.
I didn’t want to be like that anymore, though. I didn’t want to push everyone away. I kept these three amazing women at arm’s length, and yet, they were still here, dropping everything for me.
“I’m sorry for being so distant.” Once again, tears filled my eyes. All I did the last few days was cry, and I hated it.
“Don’t be sorry.” Mila shot me a soft smile.
“We love you.” Josie wrapped her arms around my shoulders before Mila and Tasha tackled me into a hug. I squeezed them all tighter, vowing to be a better friend.
Once we were all settled back into the couch, Mila asked, “What are you going to do?”
“I have no clue.”
“You need to ask yourself three questions.” At Tasha’s words, I turned my head to look at her, waiting for her to continue. “Are you over Jared?” When I opened my mouth to say ‘hell yes,’ Tasha put her hand up to stop me.
“I don’t mean if you’re still in love with him. I mean, are you over what he did to you? You need to accept it happened and decide if you’re going to continue letting it affect you. You don’t need to forgive him. You don’t need forgiveness to move on.” Tasha’s words pierced my chest.
She was right. I needed to accept the past and move on from it. I needed to stop letting it control my life.
“Then you need to ask if you love Landon. If you can see yourself with him.”
I knew I was falling for him, but was Iinlove with him? I knew the answer.
“And finally, if you are in love with him, what are you going to do to get him back?”
29
LYDIA
Six days had passed since I talked to or saw Landon. I wanted to reach out, but I knew I needed to give him time. I needed to give myself time, too. Tasha’s advice stuck with me, and I needed to sort through it.
I spent the last three days helping with the wedding, which kept my mind off of Landon. After I talked with the girls, I ended up sending all my employees an email telling them to take the rest of the week off. I needed a few days to get my head on straight and figure things out without being at work.
