Page 109 of The Problem with Falling
“It’s okay to dance every now and then, baby girl,” Dad stated, placing his hand in mine. “But it’s also all right to cry sometimes, too.”
I didn’t know why, but him saying that felt like he was giving me permission to be real. I shut my eyes and tried my best to hold back the tears. I still felt silly for feeling so much at all times. I felt embarrassed for not always being happy. I should’ve been happy. Still, such a big part of me was so heartbreakingly sad.
“It’s okay, Willow,” Dad whispered. “You don’t have to pretend around me. Break in here, and I’ll keep your secrets.”
With that, my head fell to his shoulder, and I allowed myself to take off the mask I’d been wearing since I was a kid.
My father didn’t try to fix me at that moment. He didn’t tell me how what happened with Anna, Carter, Eric, and Mom wasn’t my fault—even though I knew he believed it wasn’t. He didn’t try to take away my pain. He didn’t offer me any words of comfort. Instead, he simply let me break. He let me shatter. He allowed me to be broken.
I didn’t know how important it was until that very moment to have people in your life who would allow you to shatter and stick around to pick up all your broken pieces.
My father was the definition of what it meant to stay. I was almost certain he’d go to the ends of the earth to take care of us girls.
“Why did you push Theo away, Willow Rose?” Dad asked.
“Because I love him,” I confessed.
“You love him,” he repeated.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“So you pushed him away?”
“Yes.” I swallowed hard. “I ran into Anna when I was in town before. Mrs. Lane reminded me how awful I was. She hammered it in, letting me know that I was the reason for people’s lives being ruined. And she’s right, and I’d probably figure out a way to ruin Theo’s life, too. Plus, I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve to be loved when others can’t… And what if something happened to Theo? What if I hurt him? What if there was an accident? What if he died, Dad?” I cried. “I can’t handle that idea coming true. And seeing how much Molly was hurting after losing Harry… And I can only imagine how hard it was for you losing Mama and, and, and…” I shook my head. “I don’t know why we’d choose love when, in the end, it hurts so bad and always dies.”
“Five years,” he stated calmly. I raised an eyebrow at him, confused by what he meant. “One thousand eight hundred and fifteen days, to be exact.”
“What’s that?”
“The amount of time I was able to love your mother.”
“Dad…”
He smiled as he wiped my tears away. “One thousand eight hundred and fifteen days, and I never regretted a single moment of my time with her. The truth is, I’d sign up for a day with your mother’s love, knowing that I’d lose it tomorrow. I’d leap into her love and count every passing second as a blessing because that’s what love is. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced. And that love didn’t die when your mother transitioned. That love lives in you, Willow Rose. You are your mother’s and my greatest love story. Love—true love—never dies. It only transforms, and I’m sure Molly would tell you the same. And I know you think you don’t deserve love, but, sweetheart…love deserves you. The way you love is meant to be experienced. And I cannot even imagine the way your love has saved Theo. I know it has saved him, too.”
“How could you know that?”
“Because he looks at you the way I looked at your mother. And she saved me time and time again. The same way you and your sisters do every day. The world needs your love, Willow. And you need Theo’s love.”
I knew he was right, but I’d already messed up. I’d pushed him away. I’d run, knowing running was the one thing that would hurt Theo the most. “It’s too late.”
“Is your heart still beating?”
“Yes.”
“And his is, too?”
“Yes.”
“Then it’s never too late. All you have to do is find enough courage to stand after falling and go try.” Dad kissed my forehead and hugged me. “You know how big my love is for you, Little Bird?” he whispered, asking the same question he used to ask me when I was a child.
“Bigger than the sky,” I whispered.
“Yes,” he agreed. “And deeper than the sea.”
Even with a love that big, I still felt like I was drowning in my own troubled thoughts. I wanted to believe my father and take his advice, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
Because Dad was wrong about one thing—I didn’t deserve love.
