Page 102 of Kotori
But I'm not fine. The longing that swept through me at her innocent words terrifies me with its intensity. When did I start wanting that? When did the idea of carrying his child become something that makes my chest tight with yearning?
"I'm not sad all the time," Mizuki protests from behind us, thankfully oblivious to my internal chaos.
"You were yesterday," Kohana points out.
"That's different. That's frustrated, not sad."
I force myself to focus on their banter, but my hands shake slightly as I approach the shrine. The wanting that Aya's words awakened feels dangerous, like opening a door I'm not ready to walk through.
Before I can dwell on it further, Kaito appears at my elbow with gentle authority. "Make your wishes quickly," he says. "We want to reach the summit before the afternoon crowds."
When his hand settles on my lower back, I wonder if he heard what Aya said. If he noticed my reaction. The thought makes heat flood my cheeks.
I follow Aya's instructions for the proper ritual, touched by how seriously she takes it. When I close my eyes, gratitude fillsmy chest instead of requests. This family, this love, this sense of belonging, I have everything I could ever want already.
As we continue climbing, the conversations flow naturally between all of us, sometimes including everyone, sometimes breaking into smaller groups as the path narrows or someone stops to catch their breath. Aya appoints herself tour guide, pointing out shrine markers and explaining their significance with confidence that's only occasionally corrected by her older sisters.
Halfway up, we find a quiet area with benches overlooking Kyoto spread below us like a painting. The view would be breathtaking if I could focus on anything other than the way Kaito's shirt has become nearly transparent with perspiration.
He produces a thermos of iced tea, bless Hayashi's foresight, while I distribute the food, trying not to stare as he rolls his sleeves higher, revealing more of his forearms where sweat has gathered in the crease of his elbows.
"This heat is insane," Kohana complains, pressing the cold thermos against her forehead before pouring herself tea.
Kaito settles on the bench beside me, and the scent of his cologne mixed with clean sweat makes my head spin. When he leans forward to help Aya with her drink, the damp fabric pulls taut across his shoulders, and I can clearly see the outline of the dragon, etched in dark ink beneath the cotton.
As he straightens, his shirt rides up slightly in the back, and I catch a glimpse of the handle of what looks like a knife tucked against his spine, hidden beneath the casual facade. The reminder that even while disguised as a “normal dad”, Keito is still a dangerous man sends a thrill through me.
I force myself to look at the view instead, but when I chance a glance back, Kaito's eyes are on me. His mouth curves in the barest hint of a knowing smirk, like he's perfectly aware of what I was staring at and exactly how it affected me.
Heat floods my cheeks, making the oppressive summer sun even more unbearable.
"This is nice," Mizuki says, settling on my other side. "Just family time. No schedules or expectations."
"Papa works so hard," Kohana observes, glancing at her father as he helps Aya unwrap her onigiri. "He doesn't get to just be with us very often."
I watch Kaito in his casual weekend clothes, dark jeans and that crisp white button-down, sleeves rolled to his forearms. He looks so normal like this, so far from the intimidating yakuza businessman in tailored suits. Just a father enjoying time with his daughters, patient and attentive as Aya chatters about everything and nothing. It's this version of him that undoes me completely. Not the powerful yakuza leader or the possessive lover, but this gentle man who remembers exactly how each daughter likes her food prepared and automatically steadies Aya when she stumbles on the uneven path.
"He loves you all so much," I murmur.
"He loves you too," Kohana says matter-of-factly. "He gets this weird smile when you're not looking."
The observation makes heat rise in my cheeks. "Is it that obvious?"
"Pretty obvious," Mizuki says with a slight smirk. "He's been way less grumpy since you got here. Like, he actually laughs at dinner now instead of just checking his phone."
Before I can respond to that observation, Aya comes running back with sticky fingers from her fruit, launching herself into Kaito's lap without ceremony.
"Papa," she says, "are we always going to be together like this? Forever and ever?"
"What do you think, hime?" he asks, smoothing her hair back from her face with infinite gentleness.
"I think yes," she declares. "Because families don't break apart when they love each other. And we all love each other now, right? Even Mizuki-nee loves Paige-mama."
The summit shrine sits surrounded by ancient trees and stone fox statues, guardian spirits watching over visitors who've made the full pilgrimage. We're hot and tired but triumphant, Aya proud of completing the entire hike without complaint.
"Make a wish," Kohana instructs, showing me how to properly approach the shrine with offerings and prayers.
I close my eyes and let gratitude wash over me instead of requesting anything new. This family, this love, this sense of belonging I never knew I was missing, I have everything I could ever want already.
