Page 16 of Ever Dark Academy: Vol. 3
“Grayson, you were inside, weren’t you? As Ashyr?” Siban asked.
Grayson nodded. “But I don’t remember it. It’s strange, if I don’t concentrate on what I want to remember it comes to me. But if I try to reach for it, it slips away from me.”
“It is amazing to me how well you are dealing with this,” Siban said tentatively. “You’ve gone through so much in such a short time.”
“I’ve been saying much the same thing,” Ryder said, refocusing himself on the moment, rather than whatever dark thoughts were occupying him. Ryder caressed Grayson’s cheek with the back of his hand. “It’s all right not to remember everything at once. Not to accept it all. If you don’t… don’t wish to.”
Grayson nodded. “Thank you, but like I said the other night, I’d rather just let Grayson go and be Ashyr.”
Demos and Siban exchanged worried glances.
“This life was that bad?” Demos asked.
“Yes,” Grayson finally said.
“Badness and failure teach us much,” Siban told him. “My beginnings were not… ideal.” Ryder flinched when they said that, but didn’t contradict or apologize. The past was the past and Siban wasn’t asking for apologies. “But it makes this time--this moment right now--so much sweeter.”
“In theory, I agree with you. I would advise the same thing to a person in my situation. Learn from this life. Take whatever it gave you, because there is value in it.” Grayson gave a small, dry smile. “But I never want to feel like I did as Grayson ever again. I want to be free of such fear and doubt and distrust. So if I could burn this life all on a pyre, I would.”
He was surprised at how his voice thickened with emotion and the tears that blurred his vision.
“It’s such a small part of what you’ve experienced,” Demos agreed with a slow nod. “I can’t even imagine. Hardly important in comparison.”
“Exactly. Why let a few decades rule over millennia?” Grayson answered, but he felt like he was trying to convince them all of this. Not just them. But him too. He swiped his forearm over his eyes, wiping any stray tears away. “But enough about that! We are here to open a palace!”
Ryder continued to watch him carefully, opening his mouth as if to say something more, but then shutting it without saying a thing. Grayson was certain he knew what Ryder was going to say. Ryder would assure him that his life as Grayson mattered, and that he need not fear it, because Ryder would keep him safe. Just like Weryn had. Offering him a place to rest his head, to put his worries and burdens aside, to just be.
And the War was the result of my inattention. No, I cannot do that again. Whatever my personal reasons for wanting to leave this life behind, my king needs me back for what’s coming.
“So do Siban and I get first dibs on bedrooms and such?” Demos’ eyes were shining again as he regarded the palace down the lane.
“Of course, whatever you want,” Ryder answered, but with a smile that was dimmer. He still wasn’t moving.
Grayson internally cursed himself as he realized that while he was eager to be Ashyr again, Ryder’s experience as Weryn was not as positive. Ryder was, in fact, worried about losing who he was to Weryn.
And here I’ve been blathering about burning my current life away. Damnit. He is in the opposite boat. But when I’m with Ryder, I don’t find him different from Weryn. Not exactly. My memories are still shadowy, but the feelings are still there. So how could they be so different and I love them just the same?
Grayson took both of Ryder’s hands in his. “Hey, if you’re not ready to do this, we can delay--”
“Why shouldn’t I be ready?” Ryder asked.
It wasn’t a rhetorical question. It was clear he wanted Grayson to tell him. Ryder’s eyes searched his face as if there was an answer in Grayson’s expression. Grayson turned his head to look down the avenue towards the wide steps that led up to the shadowed entry of the Weryn Palace. Mist drifted in front of the building, as if hiding it from sight. It likely wouldn’t get clearer until Ryder knew what he wanted it to be. He turned back to Ryder.
“Because it was one thing when you lost control in the Ring. You can still say that it wasn’t you. It was Weryn. Not Ryder. But if you open the Weryn Palace and those flames burst forth then there’s no doubt anymore. There is no separate Ryder from Weryn. There’s only Weryn,” Grayson intuited. Then he blushed and ducked his head. It was pretty bold of him to say this. But it felt true. “That’s my guess, anyways.”
“Pretty good guess.” Ryder smiled softly. He feathered his fingers in Grayson’s hair. “I need to--to ask you something before I go any farther.”
“Of course. Anything,” Grayson assured him, leaning against the much bigger body that he seemed to fit so well against.
“When you remember me--Weryn--what do you see?” Ryder asked. “What am I like? Me or… him?”
Grayson’s fingers stroked all over Ryder’s face, his broad forehead, his cheeks, his beard and his lips. He did this as if he were trying to remember the planes of another face but this one was just perfect.
“I know that you feel that there is this great distance between Ryder and Weryn,” Grayson said carefully. “But when I am with you I find no great difference. There is no dissonance.”
Ryder blinked. His lips parted.
“In the Ring, you were punishing someone who deserved it. Who had done such wrongful things. Would Ryder not want to do that? Would Ryder not want to vanquish someone like Lawson?” Grayson pressed.
