Page 1 of Nine Inch Nasty
Chapter One
Saladriel, AKA Salad
A few days before Fairygoddess Unicorn sent him to a new realm with a whole bunch of strangers
“You’re so wild. I thought using the paint I had was extreme because of the barely-there blue tint to the white, but you bypassed white altogether and went straight for beige? And not even the basic version? Who are you? I have to say Salad, I’m a little concerned about where we might be heading. I’m not sure if I want these kinds of influences in my life.”
I look to Noreen, the female I’ve been spending time with, trying to decide if it’s even worth a fight. She does have a point, though. “It just felt right, you know? I already painted the whole bathroom white a few months ago, but I want the kitchen to have a little bit of pizzazz. Sometimes, I just want a little something extra to make me smile, don’t you get that?”
She shakes her head in disappointment, then combs through her mane. “Promise me this stops here.” She drops her voice and leans closer on the off chance my nosy neighbor is spying on me again with a sound enhancer. “Swear on your mane conditioner that it stops at Beige 2.1. I can’t be seen with a male that doesn’t know how to fit in here. It’s bad enough that you showed up to my parents’ house with a silver cuff on your ear. Do you know how long my mother lectured me when you left? She’s since tried to set me up with no less than three of her friends’ offspring because she’s worried about the habits I’ll pick up from you with your outlandish ways.”
Is my kitchen really that bad?
I look down at the can of paint I’ve just sealed after finishing my last square on the last remaining wall, but I only feel warmth.
Then my hand goes to my ear, flicking the itty-bitty silver cuff I made that I was so proud of.
Do others think I’m…weird?
Oh gods, I think I’m going to be sick.
With a move I’ll surely have to apologize for later, I push past Noreen and run to my bathroom, getting to the composting toilet just in time. My stomach clenches until all the humiliation has been expelled from my body, then I methodically clean my mouth and my face before carefully walking back into the room where Noreen is.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that. Let me make it up to you?”
She looks at me suspiciously. “How?”
She’s slightly attractive with her sherbert colored mane and her dull lavender coat. I’ve always loved that color. Inspiration strikes. “I know! Why don’t we go sign up to sort out some recycling? I heard from somebody at work they had some newstuff imported from an entirely different world; I heard there’s a new thing called cardboard we can sort now.”
Noreen’s eyes light up as she readily agrees, and we’re pretty quick to leave my apartment and make our way to the center where the sign-ups are. It’s a bit more than I like to spend on a recreational activity, but I figure it’s worth it to have so many hours of pure mental stimulation.
Noreen is much calmer after that, and I think I do a pretty good job of assuring her that I’m exactly the unicorn she needs.
She even touches my arm at one point, which I don’t completely hate, and by the time she’s ready to go home, I’m in such a good mood that I decide to take myself out to dinner.
My favorite hole in-the-wall burrito place is pretty much always busy, and so tiny that no more than three customers can fit inside for takeout at once, but I’ve never been more than mildly disappointed by the food there, so of course I keep going back.
Once I’ve collected my meal, I seek out a solitary bench in the green space near the restaurant, sipping my lukewarm water in peace as I choke back my meal.
I’m on my last bite when I see the odd couple that usually keep to themselves, staring at the restaurant nervously, and I decide I should say hello. I’ve always wanted to but never felt brave enough to attempt it.
But my spirits are high, and I’m sure it will go well.
I toss my trash in the appropriate receptacle and make sure there isn’t any food residue on my face before I shift to my more human appearance and approach them carefully. “Hello, lovely evening, isn’t it?”
They appear startled to be spoken to, but engage nonetheless. “Oh, erm, yes, I suppose it is.”
I join them in staring at the restaurant, wondering if this is a new activity I haven’t heard of. It’s not often that we get new, exciting activities around here. When they don’t say anything else, I decide to try again. “Is there something specific we’re staring at, or is the point of this activity to merely absorb as many details as possible about the tiny shop? That’s so fun. Great idea!”
The man startles and rubs the back of his neck. “Last time we went in there, somebody told the employees that we weren’t vegan, and they kicked us out. It’s just that it’s been so long since we’ve had a burrito, and we didn’t have the heart to tell anyone that there weren’t even any other options here, so we might as well be vegan. It’s my wife’s birthday, and I really wanted to buy her something special.”
“Would you like me to enter the premises with you? Or perhaps place your order for you and bring it out? It would be no trouble at all.”
They stare at me a solid minute before talking in a voice that’s scratchy and a little too quiet to fully hear. “You would do that? The evil clown swore that would never happen here.”
See what I mean? I nod like I understood what they said, even if I’m positive they said something entirely different than I understood. “Yes, of course. It’s inspiring to see a happily mated pair, they’re so rare here.”
The husband slips out his wallet and hands over some raw laughter bills, more than enough to cover their food.
